Ep. 304 Two Simple Words That Can Decrease Anxiety, Stress & Overwhelm in Midlife

What if some of your everyday stress comes not from what you have to do but from fighting the fact that you have to do it?
Sometimes we create extra stress by fighting what needs to happen.
In this episode, you’ll discover:
1.    How two simple words can help you notice resistance, settle your mind, and move through the ordinary tasks of life with a little more calm.
 Take 3 minutes to stop fighting the inevitable and create a little more calm in the wild—you’re worth it.

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About the Host: 

MJ Murray Vachon, LCSW, is a seasoned clinician, educator, and host of the podcast Creating Midlife Calm, recognized by Maria Shriver as a “Listen of the Week.” Over the past 40 years, MJ has led more than 50,000 therapy sessions and developed the Inner Challenge mental wellness program and the Inner Challenge Master Class, practical tools for emotional regulation, self-awareness, and resilience taught for more than 30 years in junior high schools and at the University of Notre Dame for freshman football players. Through her podcast, teaching, and coaching, MJ helps people build calmer lives, stronger relationships, and healthier communities.

Creating Midlife Calm is a podcast designed to guide you through the challenges of midlife, tackling issues like anxiety, low self-esteem, feeling unworthy, procrastination, and isolation, while offering strategies for improving relationships, family support, emotional wellbeing, mental wellness, and parenting, with a focus on mindfulness, stress management, coping skills, and personal growth to stop rumination, overthinking, and increase confidence through self-care, emotional healing, and mental health support. 

Transcript

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M.J. Murray Vachon LCSW 0:00

Welcome to Creating Calm in the Wild. I'm MJ Murray Vachon, And this is your reminder that calm isn't always found when life settles down. It's something you can create right in the middle of the wild. My two-year-old grandson, Neil, has become something of a retreat master for me. When I'm with him, somehow in the middle of being two years old, he teaches me pretty important lessons about finding calm. But last week, our roles were reversed. This time I was the retreat master, and the topic of our retreat was potty training. Neil is past the initial phase of learning. He knows how to use the potty. He would just prefer to do almost anything else. And can you blame him? But in today's world, potty training has become much more difficult because let's face it, diapers may be one of the most underappreciated engineering feats of modern times. Neil is 33 months old, which puts him right in the middle of what psychologist Erik Erikson calls autonomy versus shame and doubt. The big question at this stage is essentially, can I do things for myself? Which explains why one of the favorite words for toddlers is no. Often when I reminded Neil to use the potty or took him when he first woke up, he would say, "No." Sometimes he would squirm. Sometimes he would tighten his whole body. And I started thinking about what we talked about in yesterday's episode, the river of wellbeing, and how easily our minds can land on the bank of rigidity. Potty training was life throwing Neil onto that bank. His body needed to go potty. His mind had other plans. My job wasn't to shame him or overpower him. I didn't want him to think he was going to the potty for me. This was something he was learning to do for himself. So I would gently hold him while he said no and squirmed. At first, I said nothing. I'd just calm myself and tried not to join him on that bank of rigidity. After maybe 30 seconds or a minute, I'd say, "Neil, your body needs to go potty." "No," he would answer back. I stayed calm, and eventually I would calmly say, "No drama potty." We did this many, many times during the week, and somewhere along the line, I began to realize I was watching in Neil what I had watched in myself and my clients for years, the very human tendency to create more stress by fighting what we already know needs to happen. Because let's admit it, going potty disrupts the flow of your life, no pun intended. Neil wants the popsicle immediately after he wakes up from his nap. He doesn't wanna go potty first. He doesn't wanna stop his imaginary concert where for the hundredth time that day, he's playing Thunderstruck as he listens to his favorite group, The Two Cellos. Neil has important things to do, but don't we all? We'd all rather keep doing what we want to do than stop for the things life requires us. You know, the dishes, the laundry that needs to be folded, the bathroom that needs to be cleaned. Much of the time, the task itself isn't what creates so much stress. It's all the drama our minds create fighting something we already know needs to be done. As our potty training retreat continued, something began to change. Neil stopped fighting quite so much. The no's softened, and eventually one day after going to the potty, he looked at me and said, "I did it, no drama." Now, don't get me wrong, I'm pretty sure Neil doesn't know what no drama literally means, but I think he's beginning to know what it feels like. It feels like not fighting the inevitable, and maybe that's the coping skill all of us could use. When I came home from my retreat with Neil, I began noticing my own no's. The little tasks I didn't feel like doing, like emptying my suitcase, paying the bills, those ordinary responsibilities that are simply part of taking care of myself and of life. And when I felt my mind beginning to resist, I thought of Neil, No drama." I grounded my feet, I took a breath, I let my mind settle, and then I did the task in front of me. So today, when your mind starts fighting something that simply needs to be done, ground your feet, take a breath, and borrow a little wisdom from a two-year-old, I did it, no drama." Thanks for listening, and I hope you'll join me Monday on my full-length episode of Creating Midlife Calm. Until then, keep creating calm in the wild.