Ep. 294 Why Resting More Will Never Calm Your Anxiety & Stress-- And What Actually Helps

What if the reason more time to rest hasn’t eased your anxiety and stress is because no one ever taught you how to truly rest?
If you’ve ever found yourself longing for more downtime only to discover you still couldn’t relax, you’re not alone.
In this episode, you’ll discover:

1. Why more time to rest isn’t enough to calm anxiety and stress—and what your nervous system may actually need instead.
2. Why rest often feels uncomfortable before it feels restorative, especially when you’ve spent years living in constant motion.
3. How replacing self-criticism with curiosity can help you learn the coping skill of rest, one small step at a time.

 Take 13 minutes to discover why learning to rest—not just making time for it—can help you create more calm. You’re worth it.

If you'd like to learn more about the Inner Challenge Master Class or bring it to your organization, I'd love to hear from you. Email me at; mj@mjmurrayvachon.com.

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About the Host: 

MJ Murray Vachon, LCSW, is a seasoned clinician, educator, and host of the podcast Creating Midlife Calm, recognized by Maria Shriver as a “Listen of the Week.” Over the past 40 years, MJ has led more than 50,000 therapy sessions and developed the Inner Challenge mental wellness program and the Inner Challenge Master Class, practical tools for emotional regulation, self-awareness, and resilience taught for more than 30 years in junior high schools and at the University of Notre Dame for freshman football players. Through her podcast, teaching, and coaching, MJ helps people build calmer lives, stronger relationships, and healthier communities.

Creating Midlife Calm is a podcast designed to guide you through the challenges of midlife, tackling issues like anxiety, low self-esteem, feeling unworthy, procrastination, and isolation, while offering strategies for improving relationships, family support, emotional wellbeing, mental wellness, and parenting, with a focus on mindfulness, stress management, coping skills, and personal growth to stop rumination, overthinking, and increase confidence through self-care, emotional healing, and mental health support. 

Transcript

M.J. Murray Vachon LCSW 0:00

In this episode, you'll discover why rest isn't as easy as you think. Welcome to Creating Midlife Calm, the podcast where you and I tackle stress and anxiety in midlife so you can stop feeling like crap, feel more present at home, and thrive at work. I'm MJ Murray Vachon, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with over 50,000 hours of therapy sessions and three decades of teaching practical science-backed mental wellness Welcome to the podcast. One of my clients came into therapy after a week-long summer vacation at the beach. Before I could even ask how it went, she sat down, looked at me, and said, "I'm exhausted." That wasn't exactly the answer I was expecting. Then she said, "The week before vacation was crazy. I worked extra hours so I could leave. I had to get the house ready, shop for groceries, pack everyone, arrange for the house sitter, and figure out what to do with the dog." I practically worked an extra week just so I could take a week off. I was exhausted even before I left." Once we got to the beach, everyone else relaxed, but I never really did. Honestly, I came home more tired than when I left." Then she said, Next year, I think I'd rather skip the vacation. I don't need another trip. I just need to figure out how to rest." That last sentence caught my attention, not because she said she needed rest. I hear that almost every day. It was because she wasn't asking for more time. She was asking for something she wasn't sure how to do. So I became curious, and I asked her, "When during a normal week do you actually rest?" She laughed and said, "Do you remember my life? I have two busy teenagers. My husband travels for work, and my parents are getting older, and somehow I've become their personal concierge." "I feel like I'm always being chased by a boulder, and if I stop, MJ, it's not gonna be pretty." That image immediately made sense to me. I bet you know what that feels like, not because someone or something is literally chasing you, but because the responsibilities never seem to stop. If you've ever found yourself saying, "I just need a break. I need to rest," only to discover that resting is much harder than you expected, you are not alone. In this episode, you'll discover why anxiety often tries to protect you by keeping you in motion, why rest may feel uncomfortable before it feels restorative, and why rest isn't simply something you need. It's a coping skill you can learn. So I asked her, "If you had one wish, what would it be?" She didn't hesitate. "I would want two hours a week just to rest. Not a vacation, a month off, just two hours." As she said it, it sounded completely reasonable, but then I asked her another question, "What would you do with those two hours?" She looked at me, "I don't know." "Have you ever even thought about it?" She smiled, "No, not really." If I actually had two hours with no one needing me, I honestly don't know what I would do. I wonder how you would answer that question. If someone gave you two uninterrupted hours this week, would you know exactly how you'd spend them? Or would you discover, like my client, that you've never really learned what rest looks like? I remember thinking in that session, "That's interesting. Here is someone who desperately wants rest, but has never really stopped to think about what rest would look like." So together we decided to experiment, not forever, just for one Saturday morning. Her kids would be at practice. Her husband was out of town. She'd make herself a cup of coffee, sit on the porch, maybe read, maybe watch the birds, maybe do absolutely nothing. The goal wasn't to accomplish a thing. The goal was to simply notice what happened. The following week, she walked into my office. Before she even sat down, she looked at me and said, "I failed." I looked at her. "Failed?" "Yes. I couldn't even rest." Perhaps you felt something similar, not that you failed to get something done, but that you somehow failed at slowing down and getting nothing done. I didn't say anything. I just waited. She took a deep breath. I made my coffee. I walked out to the porch. I sat down." Then she laughed. "And almost immediately, I remembered the sheets needed to be put in the wash. It would only take a minute to throw them in, so I did. I came back outside. My coffee was cold, so I heated it up, and while I was in the kitchen, I remembered the dishwasher. I always empty it first thing in the morning. If I don't, everyone starts stacking dishes in the sink, and by lunchtime, the kitchen's a mess. So I unloaded it. I came back outside. This time, I skipped reheating my coffee. Then the dog came over, and I remembered he needed to be fed, so I fed him. "I sat down again and the mailman pulled up. He handed me the mail. I opened it, and there was a bill I wasn't expecting. So I called my husband, and we spent 10 minutes talking about how expensive everything has become." "Then I looked at my watch. It was time to pick up my son." My two hours were gone, and I hadn't rested for even a minute." Then she quietly added, "I guess I'm just a failure when it comes to resting." The room became quiet. Finally, she looked at me and said, I really don't understand what happened. So I asked, "When you first sat down with your coffee, what happened inside you?" She sat quietly for a moment. I don't know." Just stay with it. What do you remember?" She closed her eyes. I don't know if I felt anything. I sat down, and my brain immediately started scanning for what needed to be done." So it really wasn't a decision." "No. It just happened automatically." "Exactly. So let's go back. When you noticed the sheets, could they have waited?" Probably." "What about the dishwasher?" "Yes." The dog?" She laughed. "He probably could have waited another 20 minutes." So what made each one feel like it had to happen right then?" She became quiet again. I could see her really pondering this. Finally, she said, I guess just sitting there felt wrong tell me more." "It wasn't relaxing. It actually felt uncomfortable. It was almost like my brain was saying, 'Come on, let's keep moving, girl. Why are you just sitting here? You could actually be getting something done, crossing something off your list.'" "So being productive actually felt more comfortable than resting?" She responded "I never thought about it that way, but yes, it really did." That answer made me curious. I asked, "What messages did you receive growing up about work?" "My parents worked all the time." "What did you learn?" "If something needed to be done, you did it, and preferably right away." "My grandmother used to say, 'Idle hands are the devil's playground.'" "That's interesting. Did anyone ever teach you the other message?" She looked puzzled. "What do you mean?" "That rest has value. That even in the Bible there's a Sabbath, a day set aside for rest." "An entire day, not just two hours." No, I don't think anyone ever learned or taught me how to rest." That sentence stayed with me because I think it's true for many of us. Many of us were taught how to work, but very few of us were intentionally taught how to rest. A few weeks later, we came back to the conversation. This time, I didn't ask her to schedule another two hours. Instead, I asked, "What feels restorative to you?" She said "I still don't know." "So let's make the goal smaller. What if we weren't trying to master rest? What if we're simply practicing it?" She said "i think I could do that." We started to brainstorm. Reading didn't appeal to her. Neither did Netflix. "You know what I used to love doing when my kids were little? Coloring." So what if I said your only goal this week was to spend 15 minutes coloring?" "That sounds ridiculous "yeah, it does. But let's see what happens." The following week, she came into my office smiling. I almost didn't do it." Why?" "Because it felt so silly. I kept thinking I should be doing something useful. But this time, I remembered our conversation, so I told myself, That text can wait. The dishes can wait. Just stay here.'" What happened?" She said, "it was subtle, but I actually noticed it. About 10 minutes in, my shoulders dropped, my breathing was slower, And I became absorbed in choosing the colors, and for the first time in a long time, I wasn't trying to accomplish a thing. I wasn't doing. I was just being." How did that feel?" She thought for a moment. It wasn't some huge life-changing thing, but it felt peaceful, nice. "And completely unproductive." So maybe those two things aren't opposite after all. Maybe You're beginning to recognize yourself in my client's story. If you've ever wondered why resting feels harder than it should, what happened next helped both of us understand why Because as I listened to her, I realized something important. Coloring wasn't what changed her. Her nervous system changed. If you're living with anxiety, movement begins to feel normal. So when you finally stop, stopping can actually feel uncomfortable. Research supports what she discovered. Your brain needs genuine periods of recovery. Those moments improve emotional regulation, attention, decision-making, memory, your resilience, and perhaps most important, your ability to enjoy life True rest creates space for your nervous system to recover, and that recovery isn't wasted time. Most of us were never taught this skill. We learned how to work, but very few of us were intentionally taught how to rest. So it's not surprising that resting feels difficult. It doesn't mean you're failing. It simply means you're learning a skill you never had the opportunity to practice. And if that's true for you, I hope you replace self-criticism with curiosity. Instead of asking, "Why am I so bad at resting?" try asking, Can I be open to learning how to rest? That's a very different way of looking at it As we finished our session, my client looked at me and said, "I always thought rest was something you earned. Now I think it's something I need to learn." I couldn't have said it any better. So today, remember this. Anxiety tries to protect you by keeping you in motion. Rest may feel uncomfortable before it feels restorative. And rest isn't something you earn after everything else is finished, because you and I both know it never will get finished. It's a coping skill you learn, and you don't have to become good at resting overnight. If today's episode resonated with you, this is exactly the kind of work we do inside my Inner Challenge Masterclass. The masterclass is my online teaching and coaching program that uses your real-life situations to help you learn practical coping skills so you can calm your nervous system and enjoy your life more. You'll find a link in today's show notes. Thanks for listening to Creating Midlife Calm, and I hope you'll join me tomorrow for my mini episode Creating Calm in the Wild, where I'll share what my two-year-old grandson, reminded me about the surprising power of rest