Ep. 291 What To Do When Anxiety Becomes Overwhelm and You Can't Think Clearly

Have you ever become so overwhelmed that you couldn’t think clearly, even though part of you knew you were overreacting?
Overwhelm can quietly take over your nervous system, making fear feel like reality and leaving you unsure what to do next.
In this episode, you’ll discover:

1. Why overwhelm is different from anxiety and stress—and why understanding that difference matters.
2. How fear quietly begins leading your thinking and why becoming steady is the first step before solving any problem.
3. A simple four-step coping skill that helps calm your nervous system so you can think clearly and decide what truly needs your attention today.

 Take 12 minutes to become steadier inside overwhelm so fear doesn’t lead the way—you’re worth it.

🎁 Free One-Page Guide: Email me at mj@mjmurrayvachon.com and ask for my Notice, Name, Tame & Aim guide—a simple four-step tool to help you think clearly when anxiety becomes overwhelm.

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About the Host: 

MJ Murray Vachon, LCSW, is a seasoned clinician, educator, and host of the podcast Creating Midlife Calm, recognized by Maria Shriver as a “Listen of the Week.” Over the past 40 years, MJ has led more than 50,000 therapy sessions and developed the Inner Challenge mental wellness program and the Inner Challenge Master Class, practical tools for emotional regulation, self-awareness, and resilience taught for more than 30 years in junior high schools and at the University of Notre Dame for freshman football players. Through her podcast, teaching, and coaching, MJ helps people build calmer lives, stronger relationships, and healthier communities.

Creating Midlife Calm is a podcast designed to guide you through the challenges of midlife, tackling issues like anxiety, low self-esteem, feeling unworthy, procrastination, and isolation, while offering strategies for improving relationships, family support, emotional wellbeing, mental wellness, and parenting, with a focus on mindfulness, stress management, coping skills, and personal growth to stop rumination, overthinking, and increase confidence through self-care, emotional healing, and mental health support. 

Transcript

M.J. Murray Vachon LCSW 0:00

In this episode, you'll discover what to do when anxiety becomes so overwhelming that you can't think clearly anymore Welcome to Creating Midlife Calm, the podcast where you and I tackle stress and anxiety in midlife so you can stop feeling like crap, feel more present at home, and thrive at work. I'm MJ Murray Vachon, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with over 50,000 hours of therapy sessions and three decades of teaching practical science-backed mental wellness Welcome to the podcast. On Monday, we talked about how overwhelm can quietly lead you toward avoidance. Today, I want to back up one step. Before you can avoid, something else happens first. A few weeks ago, I received a text from a client. It simply said, "MJ, I'm completely overwhelmed. Do you have any openings today?" My guess is you have felt overwhelmed, too. Maybe because of something that happened at work or in a relationship or perhaps a health concern. Today, I wanna talk about that deeply uncomfortable feeling we call overwhelm. You know the feeling, The one that quietly takes over your mind and causes your thinking to feel paralyzed, clouded, or just simply confused. The one that convinces you that you have to solve everything at once, be a fixer, or that's simply too much, so you avoid it altogether. In this episode, you'll discover why overwhelm is different from anxiety and stress, how fear quietly takes over your thinking, and how becoming steadier inside your overwhelm keeps fear and avoidance from leading the way. Let's return to my client. Fortunately, I did have an opening that afternoon. When she walked into my office, I could tell something significant had happened. She looked exhausted, not physically, emotionally. She sat down, took a deep breath, and said, "My husband lost his job yesterday." I looked at her and said, Oh, I'm so glad you came in." Then I asked her, "Tell me what happened." She said they had just finished dinner when her husband checked his email. The company was downsizing. His position was eliminated. "At first," she said, "I just sat there staring at him in disbelief, And then my mind just took off. I was so angry. I was so pissed. After 15 years, they didn't even have the decency to tell him in person After a few more minutes of ranting, I said to her, "Can we slow this down for just a minute?" She nodded. When your husband told you he had lost his job, what happened inside of you?" She looked at me. "Well, I don't know." She sat quietly, then she said, "I've never really actually thought about that before. I guess my stomach kind of twisted. I felt like I was gonna throw up. In fact, it was hard to breathe, and honestly, I could hardly think." I waited. I could see her mind going back to the day before, gathering the information of what happened inside of her when she heard the terrible news. Then I asked, "Can you tell me more?" She looked toward the ceiling and she said, "It was the strangest feeling. My mind became cloudy and kind of paralyzed, and then my fear just exploded, and I wasn't thinking about yesterday. I wasn't in the present, but rather I just went to the future I was thinking about, "Will I lose my house? Can we send our kids to college? Do I need to go back to work full-time?" And my mind was racing with all the terrible possibilities that would be happening because my husband lost his job I was trying to solve for next month, next year, next lifetime I smiled and said, "I think you noticed something really important. You weren't dealing with what happened yesterday. You were trying to solve a future that hadn't happened yet." She looked at me for a moment. Yeah, I was." "So let me ask you another question. Finish this sentence. The thing I'm most afraid of is..." Without hesitation, she said, "We're gonna lose our house." I asked, "Has anyone told you you were going to lose your house?" "No." "Is it possible?" She said, "Well, I suppose." Is it true today?" She looked down and shook her head. There was a long silence. Then she quietly said, I've already been living in a future that hasn't happened." I didn't respond right away. I let her just hold that little piece of wisdom that she had gained. Then I asked her, "What's that been like?" She looked at me and said, "Exhausting, and to be honest, a bit terrifying. I've been trying to solve problems that don't even exist yet." I nodded. "I think you're beginning to understand why you texted me this morning." She smiled a little. I leaned forward and asked, "Can I tell you what I'm noticing?" She nodded, and I said, "I don't think you're thinking about today anymore. I think fear has convinced you that you need to solve everything all at once, and when that happens, it's very easy to keep chasing every possible future problem you imagine or decide it's simply too much and avoid it altogether." She nodded and said, "That's exactly what this feels like." Then she asked, "So I'm not losing my mind?" I smiled. "No, I think your nervous system has become overwhelmed, and when your nervous system is overwhelmed, fear quietly begins leading your thinking." She let out a long breath. "So now what?" I smiled. "Before we figure out what to do about your husband's job, can we help your nervous system first?" "My nervous system?" Yes, because if your nervous system stays flooded, fear is gonna keep making decisions for you. So let's not start with next year. Let's just start with right now. Put both feet on the floor." She did. "Now just notice your breathing. Don't change it, just notice it." After a few moments, I said, "Let's just take a few slow breaths together." We did. Then another, and another. The room became noticeably quieter. About a minute later, I asked, What do you notice now?" She thought for a moment. My heart isn't pounding as much. My stomach doesn't feel as tight." Anything else?" My mind feels slower." What else?" She smiled. "I don't feel like we have to solve my entire future in the next five minutes." I smiled back. That's exactly what I was hoping you would notice. I wasn't trying to make you calm. I was trying to help you become steady enough to think clearly again." Then I added, "Because when we're overwhelmed, most of us do one of two things. We either try to solve everything, jump into fix-it mode, or we decide it's simply too much and begin avoiding it. Neither one helps. But when you become steady first, your mind actually becomes clearer, and then you can actually decide what needs your attention today She looked up and asked, "What do I do now?" I reached over and handed her a legal pad and a pen. I'd like you to do a brain dump." She laughed. "A brain dump? Everything?" "Yes. Every worry, every task, every what if. Get it out of your head and onto paper." For the next five minutes, she wrote and wrote and wrote. Then she looked up. I didn't realize how much I was carrying." I smiled. "Now let's look at it together." We started crossing things off. Can you control whether your husband gets another job this week?" "No." Can you control the economy?" She laughed. "Definitely not." "What can you do today?" She looked down at her list. We could cancel a few streaming subscriptions. We could look at our budget." I want to tell my husband I'm scared, but I also want him to know I believe in him." She paused. "I think he probably needs encouragement more than another worried person." I smiled I think that's exactly right, but there's room in all of us to hold both. I'm worried, and I'm going to be supportive. She looked back at the page. I actually know what to do. Not everything, but today. And that's the difference. When you first walked into my office, fear wanted you to solve your entire future. Fear wanted certainty, even if it was catastrophic, because that felt better than holding all this unknown. Now all you have to do is simply decide what today needs. She sat quietly. I didn't think breathing could do that. It wasn't just the breathing. It was noticing, naming, helping your nervous system become steady, and then deciding where to aim your attention. She smiled. So that's the process. I nodded. Yes. I call it notice, name, tame, and aim. It's the same process I teach all my clients whenever anxiety becomes overwhelming. Over the years, I've learned to think about it this way. Anxiety notices uncertainty and begins creating stories about the future or replaying the past. Stress is your mind and body responding to the pressure of what's happening now. But overwhelm is different. Overwhelm happens when anxiety and stress combine in a way that overloads your nervous system. We call that flooding, and when you're flooded, it's incredibly difficult to think clearly. That's why the first goal isn't solving the problem. The first goal is calming your nervous system enough that you can think clearly again. That's why on Monday we talked about avoidance. When you're overwhelmed, it's easy to do one of two things, solve for everything or just avoid it. Neither one helps. What helps is becoming steady enough to think clearly again. Because overwhelm isn't just about bad things, it's about significant change, change that needs your attention, change that asks something new of you before you feel ready. Sometimes it's a job loss, sometimes it's an aging parent, a health diagnosis, or a struggling child. Overwhelm can happen when good things occur, such as a promotion, a new child, becoming a grandparent or retiring. Actually, whatever the change, your first job isn't to solve anything. Your first job is to become steady enough to decide what today requires. In this episode, we discovered that overwhelm simply isn't feeling stressed. It's what happens when anxiety becomes so great that fear begins taking over your thinking. We also discovered that the goal isn't to eliminate anxiety or stress, it's to become steady enough to notice what's happening, name what you're feeling, tame your nervous system, and then aim what actually needs your attention today. If you'd like help remembering those four steps, I've created a free one-page notice, name, tame, and aim guide. You'll find the link in the show notes. Thanks for listening, and I hope you'll join me tomorrow for my mini episode, Creating Calm in the Wild, where you'll discover another ordinary life moment that can help you create a little more calm in the middle of everyday life