Ep. 281 How Always Being Responsible Is Making You Stressed, Anxious & Exhausted In Midlife

Have you become so good at being the responsible one that you’ve stopped noticing what it’s costing you?
Many midlife adults spend years carrying more than their share while quietly postponing their own needs, interests, rest, and dreams.
In this episode, you’ll discover:

1. Why always being the responsible one can quietly contribute to exhaustion, poor sleep, irritability, and chronic stress
2. How emotional eating, scrolling, resentment, and postponed dreams can become hidden signs that you’re carrying too much
3. Why recognizing the cost of over-responsibility may be the first step toward creating a more sustainable and fulfilling life

 Take 10 minutes to better understand the hidden cost of always being the responsible one—and begin seeing yourself with the same care you give everyone else—you’re worth it.
Learn more about the Inner Challenge Master Class:
mailto:mj@mjmurrayvachon.com?subject=Inner%20Challenge%20Masterclass

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About the Host: 

MJ Murray Vachon, LCSW, is a seasoned clinician, educator, and host of the podcast Creating Midlife Calm, recognized by Maria Shriver as a “Listen of the Week.” Over the past 40 years, MJ has led more than 50,000 therapy sessions and developed the Inner Challenge mental wellness program and the Inner Challenge Master Class, practical tools for emotional regulation, self-awareness, and resilience taught for more than 30 years in junior high schools and at the University of Notre Dame for freshman football players. Through her podcast, teaching, and coaching, MJ helps people build calmer lives, stronger relationships, and healthier communities.

Creating Midlife Calm is a podcast designed to guide you through the challenges of midlife, tackling issues like anxiety, low self-esteem, feeling unworthy, procrastination, and isolation, while offering strategies for improving relationships, family support, emotional wellbeing, mental wellness, and parenting, with a focus on mindfulness, stress management, coping skills, and personal growth to stop rumination, overthinking, and increase confidence through self-care, emotional healing, and mental health support. 

Transcript

M.J. Murray Vachon LCSW 0:00

In this episode, you'll discover why always being the responsible one may be contributing to your exhaustion, poor sleep, irritability, and stress Welcome to Creating Midlife Calm, the podcast where you and I tackle stress and anxiety in midlife so you can stop feeling like crap, feel more present at home, and thrive at work. I'm MJ Murray Vachon, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with over 50,000 hours of therapy sessions and three decades of teaching practical science-backed mental wellness Welcome to the podcast. Have you ever had one of those moments where you're not just tired, you're tired of being tired? Not because something terrible happened that day, not even because of one bad day, but because there's simply too much on your plate. In fact, you're not carrying one plate. You're carrying your aging parents' plate, your kid's plate, your spouse's plate, your friend's plate, and somehow you're expected to keep all of them spinning like those old-fashioned plate spinners at the circus. Only this isn't entertaining, it's exhausting. In this episode, you'll discover why always being the strong and reliable one can quietly increase exhaustion, stress, and anxiety. The hidden physical and emotional symptoms that often develop when you're caring more than your share, and how simply recognizing these patterns may be the first step to create a calmer, more enjoyable, and more sustainable life. The other day, a client came into my office and burst into tears. Not polite tears, not a few tears, the kind of tears that tell you that someone's been holding it together for a very long time. She sat down, looked me in the face, and said, "I am sick of this. I am sick of all this." Then she started talking. Her siblings weren't helping much with their aging parents. She had to borrow her neighbor's car to get to our session because her teenager had the family car sitting in the parking lot of their summer job. The night before, she got home from work late. She was exhausted, and nobody had started dinner. Everyone was sitting around watching a movie. She looked at me and said, I am so sick of all this." The interesting thing was this: It wasn't a bad day. This had been her life for years. And honestly, I see this pattern all the time, especially in midlife. You do while others relax. You remember while others forget. You carry while others assume. You feel responsible while others minimize. After a few minutes, she got quiet and said something that caught my attention. She said, "I used to love this. I used to love being the person who could outwork everyone, the one people could count on, the one who could always figure out how to make everything work, and the one who would stop everything and listen to my friends' troubles." Then she looked at me and said, "what's wrong with me? I need to stop this pity party." I laughed and said, "Who wants to stop a party? Let's stay here a little longer Put words to the pity. She thought for a moment and then said, I feel sorry for myself because so much of my life is spent doing things I don't actually care about. Dishes, meal planning, cooking, fixing projects at work that other people barely finish or don't even try that hard to do well. My mind is turning to mush." I asked, "Anything else?" She said, "I sleep terribly. I wake up at 3:00 in the morning and my mind starts bouncing between everything I need to do and all the things I wish I had time to do." Then she told me something that made me stop. She said, "I'd really love to train my dog so I could take him into nursing homes. I think it would be meaningful. I think I'd enjoy it. I think he'd actually be the one thing that would listen to me. But honestly, where would I find 30 minutes a day?" In that moment, my heart kinda dropped. I just felt sad for her, not because she didn't have time to train a dog, but because she couldn't imagine a life where 30 minutes belonged to her. 30 minutes, not 30 days, not 30 hours, 30 minutes, and somehow that felt impossible. Before we ended the pity party, I asked, "Anything else?" She smiled and shook her head. Then she said, "I keep gaining weight. Maybe it's menopause, but if I'm honest, Those cookies, crackers, ice cream, and lattes feel like my reward for everything I do. You know, if I rescue, I get a reward But sometimes I eat because it keeps me from screaming." Then she added, "I scroll too much at night. I know I should go to bed. I know I should do something healthier, but I'm exhausted." And then came the line that probably hit me the hardest. She said, I am irritated all the time. I'm on edge. I have to put a lot of energy into not blowing up. My schedule is so full helping other people make their dreams come true, I barely have room for my own anymore." In that moment, the room got quiet because that wasn't exhaustion talking. That was sadness with a little bit of grief thrown in. I want you to notice something. She wasn't describing a character flaw. She wasn't describing weakness. She wasn't describing a lack of discipline. She was describing symptoms that often appear when someone spends years being the strong one, the one who's always flexible, always accommodating, always taking on one more thing. The result, you know what it is. Poor sleep, irritation, rewards that replace restoration, cookies, scrolling, lattes, and dreams that keep getting postponed, including a simple dream like finding 30 minutes that belong to you. And perhaps most importantly, living with the quiet belief that you'll get around to yourself later. Later when work settles down, when your kids' and your aging parents' needs are less. But for many people, later never arrives. Because being the strong and reliable one becomes so normal that you stop noticing the cost, and everyone else assumes you're fine. So you start thinking, I guess this is adulthood. I guess this is responsibility. This is just how life is." But sometimes what looks like responsibility is actually exhaustion wearing a responsible face. And that's why I wanted to talk about this today. Not to criticize being dependable. The world needs dependable people. Families need dependable people. Communities need dependable people. But dependable should not mean depleted. Strong and reliable should not mean exhausted. Capable should not mean constantly carrying more than your share. This is actually one of the conversations we spend a lot of time exploring inside the Inner Challenge Masterclass. Not how to become less caring, but how to care for others without slowly losing yourself in the process. If you'd like more information, I'll place it in the show notes. So here's your inner challenge for this week. Notice where being strong and reliable may be costing you more than you realize. Notice your sleep, your stress, your food choices, your scrolling, your irritation. Notice the dreams you've been postponing. Not to judge yourself, not to change anything today, just to notice. In this episode, you discovered that always being the strong and reliable one can quietly contribute to exhaustion, poor sleep, irritability, stress, and the gradual postponement of your life. And that's what we're gonna explore on Thursday. Now that you've started to see the pattern, how do you begin leaning in to something different? Something practical and doable, something that helps you feel a bit lighter, less exhausted, more like yourself again. Thanks for listening, and I'll be back on Thursday with more Creating Midlife Calm