Ep. 260 Navigating a Midlife Cancer Diagnosis: From Shock to Clarity

What if cancer isn’t just something to survive—but something that can reshape how your life?
There is a way to move through uncertainty with more clarity, self-trust, and even moments of real joy.
In this episode, you’ll discover:

1. How a crisis can lead to powerful clarity about what truly matters
2. Learn why boundaries and self-trust become essential during life’s hardest moments
3. Understand how slowing down and being present can transform anxiety into calm

 Take 19 minutes to reconnect with your inner clarity and build coping skills that truly support you—you’re worth it.

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About the Host:
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with more than 48,000 hours of therapy sessions and 31 years of experience teaching her Mental Wellness curriculum, Inner Challenge. Four years ago she overcame her fear of technology to create a podcast that integrated her vast clinical experience and  practical wisdom of cultivating mental wellness using the latest information from neuroscience. MJ was Social Worker of the Year in 2011 for Region 2/IN.

Creating Midlife Calm is a podcast designed to guide you through the challenges of midlife, tackling issues like anxiety, low self-esteem, feeling unworthy, procrastination, and isolation, while offering strategies for improving relationships, family support, emotional wellbeing, mental wellness, and parenting, with a focus on mindfulness, stress management, coping skills, and personal growth to stop rumination, overthinking, and increase confidence through self-care, emotional healing, and mental health support. 

Transcript

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW 0:00

In this episode, you'll discover how an unexpected midlife crisis can change the way you live. Welcome to Creating Midlife Calm, the podcast where you and I tackle stress and anxiety in midlife so you can stop feeling like crap, feel more present at home, and thrive at work. I'm MJ Murray Vachon a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with over 50,000 hours of therapy sessions and 32 years of teaching practical science-backed mental wellness. Welcome to the podcast. Today's episode's a little different and very personal for me. I'm sitting down with someone I know and love in real life. Lynn Kachmarik She's my longtime friend, a fellow mom, my swim partner, a person who facilitated my Inner Challenge mental wellness program, a former Olympic water polo player, and one of the kindest, most loving and energetic people I have ever known. About 16 months ago, she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and underwent the Whipple procedure, months of chemo and radiation. And from my limited perspective, it seemed like hell on earth. What's remarkable is not only she has survived. But she's back in the pool lapping me. She's living fully, and in many ways, she's living with more clarity and intention than ever. So today, instead of focusing on her medical journey, we're gonna focus on something else. What has shifted inside of her and what she can teach us. About navigating stress, uncertainty, and change when a crisis comes to us in midlife. In this episode, you'll discover some shifts that Lynn has experienced that have powerfully changed how she thinks, feels and lives, how those shifts show up in a practical way in everyday life, and why they might matter more than you think. Welcome to creating Midlife Calm. My dear, dear friend Lynn,

Lynn Kachmarik 2:13

I'm glad to be here.

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW 2:15

What would be the first shift that you would wanna share with our listeners that has really internally changed within you? I think a huge powerful shift is slowing down and thinking, will this be the best use of my time? I've really been able to reflect on how much time do I have? Knowing that I want to use my time in the best way possible. For instance, we moved closer to our grandkids and to one of our children. And as I'm there, I love to teach water fitness classes of any kind. And I've already spoken with people who really want to have these classes and are waiting for me to just say yes and get this going. And this is the longest I've sat on something to process and really think, I wanna say yes to this.'cause I love to do this personally. But how does this fit into my life with my husband and with grandkids and my daughter close by, and then traveling to see my other children and my family members and friends. Can I do it all? And I used to think I could. Now I realize I can't. I'm processing in a way I've never processed before.

Speaker 5 3:39

So part of that processing is really helping you set boundaries. And set priorities.

Lynn Kachmarik 3:46

Absolutely. One of the things that happened really early on when I had this diagnosis was, I think you actually are the one who said, if you ever need to talk to someone, you had someone to suggest. And I took it up immediately. Because I know how important it is, especially during a crisis. And one of the very first things she said to me was, what are your boundaries? And I hadn't thought about that'cause I just let anything happen and pushed through it or sucked it up or just, let it come and what a great life lesson to learn, what are my boundaries? So I really took that in deeply internally and has changed my life.

Speaker 5 4:32

I wanna punctuate your willingness to talk to a complete stranger at the worst time in your life. How did that help you put words to your own internal experience?

Lynn Kachmarik 4:47

Because she came in and there was no judgment, she, didn't pretend she had all the answers. She gave me questions to ask myself. So I was really lucky to have her twice early in my diagnosis and when I was finishing, gave me questions to ask so that I could have some clarity moving forward.

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW 5:13

Can you talk about how the boundaries increased your trust in yourself?

Lynn Kachmarik 5:19

That is a really good question What you don't realize because you're just in so deep into recovering or treatment, is what family and friends are going through. Yes, your own children and your husband are right there and you know them and you know that this is hard, but you, you don't realize what everyone is going through and what everyone else might need for them, in dealing with your. Diagnosis because they love you so much they're doing things that might be good for them, but actually it's not good for you. And she taught me that you cannot continue with that because was making me feel like they didn't trust my decision making. One of the things that I think is really important is no one in our community had had a Whipple surgery in many, many years. There wasn't anyone here to do it, so people were traveling to Mayo Clinic, to New York, to Chicago and Indy to have that done. It was like a little bit of a miracle because the day I was diagnosed, there was a brand new pancreatic cancer surgeon in the hospital who came immediately and just started to develop a relationship with me, my gut was saying to me, trust him. I was asking the right questions of my own doctor and other people who brought this man in to get to that place where family and friends wanted me to leave. And it screams they don't trust you. And so what that helped me to do was, I need you to trust me, that I know what I'm doing. I'm staying here for this treatment. And I think because I built a relationship with him, instead of just showing up someplace and having that surgery. When he got in there, there was more cancer than what this CAT scan revealed. And he knew I could handle having more things taken out and removed because we built a relationship. And relationship to me is everything. I was willing to trust the relationship before leaving and going somewhere else, so I just had to trust myself but then I came back with this boundary term and it changed everything. And I know I made it hard for some people, but it wasn't my job to make it easy for them. I thought it was, but it wasn't. I needed to do what was best for me. And that came with setting boundaries.

Speaker 5 7:50

And that's a very big internal shift for women.

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW 7:54

I have to do what's best for me. How did you hold the tension at a time when you don't even feel good? I think for me. Talking to this counselor gave me the freedom to know I wasn't being selfish.

Lynn Kachmarik 8:10

I've dedicated my life to empowering young women and we're so used to being the caretaker, taking care of others and putting others before us, and not listening to our bodies she gave me the freedom to put myself first.'Cause people were sending me things, out of love and out of goodness, sending me treatment plans and doing research. I didn't want any of that because I was trusting my medical team. I am not gonna Google this. I am trusting my caretaker, who was my husband, and trusting those who I trusted. With my recovery. this is a boundary. And I need you to respect it.

Speaker 5 8:51

It becomes this really powerful Inner circle that actually grounds you in putting yourself first.

Lynn Kachmarik 8:59

Yes.

Speaker 5 9:00

How is this self-trust today? Something you can connect more easily to than 10 years ago?

Lynn Kachmarik 9:08

That's such a great question, and it's something that I think of a lot. I can be the center of attention person. I can be loud and I have found this Inner trust and just sitting in the quiet. I'm sitting and processing quietly. I don't have to have the answers. I don't have to entertain everyone. I always like to make people, laugh i'm processing in the quiet in a way that I never did before and i'm, I sit and spend a lot of time cherishing the time that I have. One of the things that my husband said to me very early in my diagnosis is, we're not guaranteed anything in life. And I got angry right away.'cause that felt threatening to me. Does he not think I'm gonna survive this? And the reality That is such a great statement that you are not guaranteed anything. So be thankful for everything that happens, whatever time I get to be thankful for that. And so that's a shift. I'm always lived a life, I think especially later in life of gratitude. I used to have gratitude that, I'm swimming now. I have gratitude of feeling the water. Coming off my arms when I swim. I never really did that before. I was just, let's get in. Let's power through this workout and let's get it done. But now when I teach a water class, I want you to just feel the water because. I want you to be thankful that you have this opportunity as well. Just be thankful that you know how to feel the water. Does that make sense?

Speaker 5 10:52

It does, and, it's really a very profound and simple. Truth that because modern life is so busy because there's so many distractions, I think one of the best antidotes for anxiety is presence.

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW 11:09

And what I hear you saying is this whole journey has made you more present. Yes. It has allowed you to be more reflective, more self-aware. It has allowed you to have boundaries where you don't have to be there for others in a way that doesn't align to where you are now.

Lynn Kachmarik 11:26

Yeah, and it's a huge shift when you're diagnosed at 68 years old. How many people get the privilege to have these kind of deep shifts that they wish they had earlier in life, but they couldn't do it? I wanted to slow down. I didn't wanna always say yes. I wanted to appreciate things more, the big internal shift is not, oh my gosh, I had cancer. But how can I use this to better myself and better my life with those people that I love and cherish, and that is family and friends.

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW 12:05

I think that's so applicable to aging. Whether you have a dire cancer diagnosis, to me it feels like people are like, it's over. It's over. Stop living. But what I've watched you and what I hear you saying is it doesn't need to be over.

Lynn Kachmarik 12:21

No. And again, side effects and complications, absolutely impact, but I can't tell you how many of my doctors have said,, I want you to talk to other patients that I have, because when I could, I swam. I walked again, none of that happens right away, and there was a time when I thought I would never get past the end of my driveway as driven as I am physically. There was a day, I took two steps past the end of my driveway and I felt so accomplished. And now I'm swimming further and faster. Not without, some side effects at times, but. Nope. I am gonna live my life every day. I'm not gonna put off till tomorrow. What I can do today, if physically and mentally, and it works for my family, I'm, I'm gonna push myself harder than I ever have.

Speaker 5 13:14

But at the same time, something I view in you that feels new, is this incredible ability to listen to your body and let it have limits.

Lynn Kachmarik 13:25

Yes.

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW 13:25

Can you talk a little about that shift? Yeah, absolutely. As women. We have a tendency to to take care of others, insist that others get things taken care of, but put off what we feel.

Lynn Kachmarik 13:38

I don't have that anymore. If I don't feel good, if I don't feel right, I have grace. I'm not as hard on myself. I don't feel guilty if I don't get in so much yardage. There's times where I go to the pool and I get in a warmup and I get out Prior to this diagnosis, oh no, I didn't care how I felt. I would've gotten done. I'm nicer to myself in terms of respecting how I feel I don't have the guilt or the shame of not getting so much yardage in or doing what I used to do because I have had that internal shift of I'm so thankful that I'm here. What's the best use of my time today?

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW 14:23

But part of what I hear you saying is at this stage, all of it's right size. Yeah. You didn't do 400 sessions with this cancer therapist. You did a couple. And being given permission. To set boundaries, started this whole internal shift. Yep. And the illness in this odd, almost unpredictable way, forced you to listen and be more gentle. With your body. And what woman can't learn from that,, it's so true, MJ. And, and not just women,

Lynn Kachmarik 14:58

there's times in my life I should have put myself first. Much younger, but I didn't because of being driven and many of us are like that, where we put everybody else first and then we take care of ourselves instead of realizing when you put yourself first and when you set boundaries, it actually allows you to take care of others better and more effectively than giving what you think is everything to everyone else and never giving the best of yourself.

Speaker 5 15:29

What a paradox. Cancer forced, you literally forces a person to put themselves first. And not everybody chooses to lean into. Reflecting and processing what this is doing, which I'm a therapist, so I have a bias towards that. But when people do, then you really reap benefits that aren't just. Physical wellbeing due to medical treatment, but actually spiritual and relational and emotional and psychological wellbeing that feeds all your relationships.

Lynn Kachmarik 16:02

I think some people might think this is odd, but the truth is, I'm in the best place I've ever been in my life emotionally. Physically, obviously when you're, an athlete at the highest level, and I played till I was 30, but I'm satisfied with where I'm at physically. I'm happy with what I'm able to do, but more than that, I have great clarity. I have more clarity right now than I've ever had in my life. So another thing that I'm processing and I wanna talk about. People don't want to talk about, but I wanna process. If I say when this comes back or if it comes back, it doesn't mean I've given up hope. It doesn't mean that I don't think I might be the one that gets to go 10 years or five years. What it says is, I know that this is a very aggressive cancer. I wanna be realistic, yet hopeful. So I wanna talk about the fact that if I don't get a lot of time. I want to spend whatever time I have doing what I want, being with my family and friends as much as I can in perspective. If pancreatic shortens my life, I want you to know that I have had a, a better life than I ever thought possible. I am so privileged with the life I've led, and if this takes me. I want you to celebrate me and to go on with your life grieve, but I don't want you to grieve forever. doesn't mean I wanna leave this world. It means I don't want to be in denial and I want to be able to process this with my children and my family. But I want them to know I'm okay with what comes next.

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW 17:50

I am wanna close on this idea of clarity because I deeply believe that when people hit 50, something happens that is less intense than when you have cancer but. This letting go of expectations of scripts, of norms that no longer feed you. When you think about the clarity you've gained, what would you say to our listeners they could do that might help them get clarity at this point in their life? That it's not selfish to put yourself? And your needs first. If you don't take care of yourself, your mental health, your physical health, your social health, you can't truly give the best of yourself to someone who may need it.

Lynn Kachmarik 18:45

That to me has been a huge shift. Every day I have a clarity. That I just didn't have before, and that clarity has given me joy. I am so joyful and thankful and I just cherish, people and I always have, I'm a positive person. But it's clarity first, that drives the positivity and it drives my energy in a way that I didn't have before. I'm very clear on what's important and what's not important in a way I didn't have prior to my diagnosis. Slowing down I easily process now in a way that I didn't think I could do, and now it's become more natural. I don't jump into things. I've got all the time I need to process and figure out what's the right thing for me. What's the right thing for my husband? What's the right thing for my family before I jump into expectations that maybe I don't have to fulfill, I can just be, and I'm okay with that.

Speaker 5 19:57

That is beautiful, I really love the insights that you've shared. I'm gonna invite you to come back on Thursday because I think you can offer us real wisdom for one of the hardest parts of when someone we love gets sick, And that is what was helpful from your family and from your friends.

Lynn Kachmarik 20:19

Yeah.

Speaker 5 20:19

I hope you'll join us for part two with Lynn on Thursday. And thanks for listening to Creating Midlife Calm.