Ep. 168 How to Transform Midlife Disappointment with Coping Skills to Reclaim Identity, Decrease Stress, Anxiety & Shame

Ever feel like midlife disappointment means you did something wrong—or that it’s too late to recover?
You’re not alone. Many people silently carry the shame of unmet expectations, broken relationships, or careers that stalled.
In this episode, you’ll discover:

1. Why anxiety and shame are natural responses to midlife setbacks—and how to work with them
2. How to use emotional processing and acceptance as real coping skills
3. Why asking “Who am I now?” is the question that opens the door to growth and calm

 Take 12 minutes to calm your anxiety and reclaim your story—you’re worth it.

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About the Host: 

MJ Murray Vachon, LCSW, is a seasoned clinician, educator, and host of the podcast Creating Midlife Calm, recognized by Maria Shriver as a “Listen of the Week.” Over the past 40 years, MJ has led more than 50,000 therapy sessions and developed the Inner Challenge mental wellness program and the Inner Challenge Master Class, practical tools for emotional regulation, self-awareness, and resilience taught for more than 30 years in junior high schools and at the University of Notre Dame for freshman football players. Through her podcast, teaching, and coaching, MJ helps people build calmer lives, stronger relationships, and healthier communities.

Creating Midlife Calm is a podcast designed to guide you through the challenges of midlife, tackling issues like anxiety, low self-esteem, feeling unworthy, procrastination, and isolation, while offering strategies for improving relationships, family support, emotional wellbeing, mental wellness, and parenting, with a focus on mindfulness, stress management, coping skills, and personal growth to stop rumination, overthinking, and increase confidence through self-care, emotional healing, and mental health support. 

Transcript

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MJ Murray Vachon LCSW 0:09

In this episode, you'll discover why midlife disappointments cut so deep and how to not let them define you and how to not let them define you. Welcome to the podcast. On Monday, we talked about the sneaky mindset that can begin to take root in midlife. I am not. On Monday, we talked. On Monday, we talked about the sneaky mindset that can begin to take root in midlife. I'm not, I'm not healthy enough. I'm not successful enough, I'm not enough. Today's follow-up episode explores the real midlife experiences that deliver this message in painful concrete ways. I'm not getting the promotion. I'm not gonna stay married or in a relationship. I am not gonna stay married or in a relationship with a long-term friend or even one of my children, I'm not going to be free of financial stress. These disappointments can be brutal and if not processed in a healthy way, they can set off in an emotional cycle that affects you for the rest of your life. In today's episode, you'll discover how to break the emotional cycle that so often follows in midlife hurt. That so often follows disappointment in midlife hurt, anger, hopelessness, and shame. In today's episode, you'll discover how to break the emotional. In today's episode, you'll discover how to break the emotional cycle that so off that so often follows disappointment in midlife, the hurt. Anger, hopelessness, and shame. I'll help you move from, I'll help you move from the disorienting question. I'll help you move from the disorienting question, who am I now? Toward a broader perspective, one that leads to acceptance, identity growth, and even new opportunities. But first, let's check in on Monday's inner challenge. But first, let's check in on Monday's Inner Challenge where I asked you to observe people in your life and how they age. What did you notice? Who's aging in a way you admire, and what are they doing differently? Who seems stuck? And what would you like to do to avoid it? And what would you like to avoid? Who seems stuck? And what would you like to avoid? This reflection matters because midlife often forces us to confront the painful gap between what we thought life would look like and what it actually is, which brings us to today's focus disappointment. Mid life's disappointments carry extra emotional weight, not getting the promotion. Going through a divorce, adult children struggling or cutting ties, ongoing financial stress. These aren't just external setbacks. They challenge your identity and highlight that time may be running out. Of course, we all. Of course, everyone prefers when things go their way, but in American culture, we're taught from a young age to dream big, think positive, and visualize success and visualize success. That wiring creates mental models of how life is supposed to go. In psychology. This is called prospection, the brain's tendency to imagine and plan for future outcomes. In my work, I've seen how prospection can become. In my work, I've seen how prospection can become a coping strategy, especially for anxious individuals trying to calm your fear of uncertainty. But here's the problem. When life doesn't go as imagined, prospection can turn on you, making you feel like you failed, making you feel like you failed the life you were supposed to live. It is the mere image of prospection is the mere image of negativity bias, not hyper-focusing on what's wrong, but becoming overly attached to how things were supposed to turn out in a culture that equates success with worth. In a culture that equates success with worth disappointment, doesn't just feel like a setback. It feels like a personal failure. It can be helpful to notice where disappointment shows up in your body. For you, it might be a tight chest for others. For others, clenching their fist. Sometimes it's a drop in energy, a flushed face of embarrassment. Let your body be a clue that something needs tending, not hiding. Because often when you are disappointed, a shame spiral is close behind, and this is where it gets especially painful when life doesn't follow your script. You don't feel just disappointed. You might feel angry or even like you've been betrayed. And underneath all of that. Often lies shame. I've seen this play out countless times in therapy. Years ago, a client expected to be promoted after a full year of mentorship. Instead, the company launched a national. Instead, the company launched a national search without warning, she was blindsided. Her boss confirmed the decision without remorse, and she left the meeting and she left their meeting feeling numb. Angry, embarrassed, hurt and fearful. The be the betrayal wasn't just professional. It struck at her sense of worth. There's no quick fix for this kind of disappointment, but when it's not addressed, it festers. She spent the next nine months in therapy working to reclaim her belief in herself and her future. Because disappointment, destabilizes, emotional regulation. One of the first signs is blame. They're terrible people. Or denial, or perhaps denial. No or denial. I didn't really want it. Anyways, a little of that can be protective, but too much keeps you stuck. And here's the part, no one prepares you for big midlife disappointments often drop you into a deep existential question, who am I now at a time when you least expected to be asking it. That's why the first coping skill is doing your emotional work. If the disappointment is significant, therapy is invaluable. Therapy can be invaluable. Friends may rally around your anger, but therapy gives you space for your full range of emotions. Eventually, those emotions become part of your experience, but not your defining narrative. Working through midlife disappointment often includes shame work. Shame says, I'm not good enough. Shame says. I'm not good enough, and rejection will often tap into that old belief and rejection will often tap into that old belief. It's painful and it a very, and rejection will often tap into that old belief. It's painful and it's often traces back to childhood. You want. You may want to numb it or rush past it, but the only way out is through one client. One client was devastated when his wife abruptly left and remarried. He coped by turning to his friend Jack. Jack Daniels until his child gently asked him to talk to someone, until his child bravely and gently asked him to talk to someone. He started therapy. Words were really hard for him, but gradually he began to name his grief and admit that the question, who am I now, was haunting him. Over time, it became his guide. He began to see opportunity within the loss. Not just heartbreak, but growth. As unsettling as it is that question? No, no. Give yourself time to do your emotional work. It's messy, but eventually it can be invigorating. And doing this work helps you shift out of the shame spiral and into the next coping skill where you take a small but important step forward. In coping skill number two, practicing acceptance. Acceptance doesn't mean giving up. It means making space for reality without tying your identity to It means making space for reality without tying your identity to every loss. It's the skill of zooming out from the moment of pain, the moment of loss, the moment of disappointment. To the broader map of your life. And yes, practice is the right word here because acceptance rarely comes all at once. You learn it gradually, you, you'll learn it gradually by showing up for it. Over and over and over again. One of the best tools here is actively challenging the narrative. Your brain is spinning. Ask yourself, is it possible there were factors beyond my control? Could this disappointment have nothing to do with my worth? What else might this make space for? A co. A couple came to therapy after being cut off by their, A couple came to therapy after being cut off by their adult child due to political arguments. They had said hurtful things. They had said some really hurtful things. They reached out and apologized, but had received only silence in return. After, after a half year of stewing and blaming, they sat with each other and asked, who have we become? They saw how their life had become 75% virtual. Their tv, always on their focus, almost entirely political. Something that would've never been the case 15 years before they shifted. No. They came to therapy a bit lost and confused, but said, we are off track and we have to get back to a better place. They shifted. They began volunteering, going to the gym, engaging in real life. Again, through to my knowledge, the relationship has never been repaired, but their inner world was, as the wife said in our final session. Well, I guess we're living in reality. Again, I think of that as post growth disappointment. They moved from, I failed to, this didn't go the way I planned, but maybe it's not the end of the story. They learned to carry great disappointment, great heartache, as well as they learn to carry great disappointment in themselves. They learned to carry great disappointment in themself. They learned to carry the heartache of not having a relationship with their adult child, but they also learned how to carry all of that while living a fairly while living a vital and positive life. And from that place of greater acceptance, a new question often arises, not one of defeat, but one of potential. Who am I now? Coping Skill number three is ask and keep asking, who am I now? This is the core identity shift of midlife and it's often the question we resist the most. When you, when you lose a role, a relationship, or a vision of your future, your identity can feel like it's crumbling. In fact, it actually may be crumbling, but that crumbling often creates space for something deeper to emerge. Ask and keep asking, who am I now? Not as a cry of despair, but as a quiet, powerful invitation. You're not rebuilding your old identity, you're evolving it. You're evolving it into someone who lives with greater truth, honesty, and resilience with life as it is, not as it's supposed to be. Here's the hard truth. Some things amid life can't be fixed, but they can be faced and sometimes they open doors you never would've considered otherwise. New relationships, new careers. A healthier you deeper empathy, a bit more humility or simply a more grounded version of yourself. Sometimes these really heart, sometimes. And often a realignment of your values. This doesn't happen overnight, but people who age with re, but people who age with resilience aren't those who avoid disappointment. They're the ones who learn how to process it without turning it on themselves. After all, Jack was a very faithful listener, but not the best therapist. In this episode I. In this episode. In this episode, you discovered how midlife disappointment. Often triggers lots of uncomfortable emotions and how the brain's desire to predict the future can make rejection feel like a failure. And three, coping skills do your emotional work. Practicing acceptance and asking who am I now can help you, can help you move towards healing, growth, and new opportunities. You are not broken because something didn't work out. You're human. You may not have chosen the disappointment, you may not have chosen the disappointment, but you get to choose what comes next, and that's where your agency and power is. If this episode spoke to you, please consider leaving a review or sharing it with someone who's navigating their own midlife disappointment. Thanks for listening, and I'll be back on Monday with creating and I'll be back on Monday with more creating midlife calm.