Ep. 261 When Someone You Love Has Cancer: What Truly Helps (From Experience)

What actually helps someone you love in midlife when they’re facing a life changing crisis and you don’t know what to do?
There is a steady, thoughtful way to show up that supports them without adding pressure or overwhelm.
In this episode, you’ll discover:

1. How simple, practical actions like meals and check-ins can ease stress without overwhelming the person or their family
2. Why asking permission and respecting boundaries strengthens trust and reduces anxiety for everyone involved
3. How to stay present and supportive without over-talking, over-helping, or pulling away

 Take 19 minutes to feel more confident in how you show up for someone you love—you’re worth it.

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About the Host:
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with more than 48,000 hours of therapy sessions and 31 years of experience teaching her Mental Wellness curriculum, Inner Challenge. Four years ago she overcame her fear of technology to create a podcast that integrated her vast clinical experience and  practical wisdom of cultivating mental wellness using the latest information from neuroscience. MJ was Social Worker of the Year in 2011 for Region 2/IN.

Creating Midlife Calm is a podcast designed to guide you through the challenges of midlife, tackling issues like anxiety, low self-esteem, feeling unworthy, procrastination, and isolation, while offering strategies for improving relationships, family support, emotional wellbeing, mental wellness, and parenting, with a focus on mindfulness, stress management, coping skills, and personal growth to stop rumination, overthinking, and increase confidence through self-care, emotional healing, and mental health support. 

Transcript

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW 0:00

In this episode, you'll discover what actually helps when someone you love has a midlife crisis. Welcome to Creating Midlife Calm, the podcast where you and I tackle stress and anxiety in midlife so you can stop feeling like crap, feel more present at home, and thrive at work. I'm MJ Murray Vachon a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with over 50,000 hours of therapy sessions and 32 years of teaching practical science-backed mental wellness. Welcome to the podcast. On Monday, we talked with my dear friend Lynn Kachmarik about what happens inside of a person when life changes in a major way. 16 months ago, Lynn was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Listen to episode 2 64, where she shares her wisdom from her journey of cancer. Today we're gonna shift the lens outward, because when someone you love is going through something serious, it can bring up a lot of uncertainty. You wanna show up, you wanna say the right thing, you wanna help, but you often don't know how. So today we're gonna make that a little clearer. In this episode, you'll discover some specific ways that you can use to support someone going through a crisis. What actually feels helpful and what doesn't, and how to show up without overthinking or pulling away. Welcome back to Creating Midlife Calm, Lynn, I'm so glad that you are willing to have another conversation with us.

Lynn Kachmarik 1:37

Thanks for inviting me back.

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW 1:39

I wanna start with what may not be the obvious question. You have this unexpected diagnosis of pancreatic cancer. You're a person, very loved, very connected in your family, in our community. Were you aware of our struggle to figure out how to help you?

Lynn Kachmarik 1:57

No, I wasn't. There's part of the journey where you're just not aware of anything. You're just recovering from, a pretty massive, surgery And then it's just, trying to figure out what each day is gonna look like for you during that, treatment phase of your journey.

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW 2:14

When you look back on, that very intense eight months or so of treatment, what were some of the things that really helped you, that family or friends did?

Lynn Kachmarik 2:26

I can't understate the value in, people dropping off meals. Not even for you as the person who is. Struggling but for people that are your family that are there taking care of you. Because when you're the person that does the cooking and loves that part of your life, and now you can't do that. You feel bad because the caretaking is not easy, and now you're not offering your caretaker anything. People were so beyond generous MJ making full on meals that I couldn't eat for a second, but they were bringing them for my family that came to support me.

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW 3:04

It's such a simple gesture.

Lynn Kachmarik 3:05

So true.

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW 3:06

I feel one of the really neat things in the last 15 years is that people have become much more conscious about not just dropping off casserole after casserole of having the food that's health, healthy and nutritious.

Lynn Kachmarik 3:19

Even some of my friends would ask me, what would your husband really like to eat? I know that your son is there. I was so appreciative of that because your journey's not alone. I'm going through this journey, but like you said earlier, every one of my family and friends, they're going through their own journey trying to figure out. What they can do.

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW 3:41

So what's something else you learned?

Lynn Kachmarik 3:43

One of the things I've learned is so many people would say to me when they found out about my diagnosis you're the strongest person I've ever met. You got this. And for me, that's such a coaching statement and that's something that I have said to other people that have had tough times in their life. As I would think about that, I would wanna scream. Don't say that everyone who goes through these kinds of journeys. Has to be tough and strong, whether it's a tiny little child, whether it's a 90-year-old person, whether it's someone who has lost someone. But not everybody gets through it. So if I don't make it, does that mean I wasn't tough enough? I don't like that statement. I have a sibling who was diagnosed with cancer recently, and I've made sure not to say, you got this. Instead. I have flipped that to is there anything I can do for you? So that's one good lesson I've learned. Another great lesson is what are your boundaries? I learned that actually probably from you and also with a counselor that I spoke with once I got diagnosed. She was so adamant about getting, making sure to tell people what your boundaries are. What are your boundaries? Good and bad, what do you want? What do you not want? And then honor them. Honor those boundaries. So that's another great lesson that I've learned The day I was diagnosed, I met a brand new doctor in our community who I just trusted right from the start. but family and friends. Would say to me, go to New York. Go to this place.. they weren't trusting that I was trusting this doctor, and so I learned really early on that, no, I trust him. I'm gonna go with what I think is right. Please stop telling me to go somewhere else. That was really hard to do because you love your family and you love your friends and they're just doing what they think is best for you, but it's best for them.

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW 5:56

You said something tucked in there that is so wise people were giving you their opinion, but it was actually best for them. One of the hard dynamics when someone we love is sick is we become very anxious. We become very helpless. We become full of uncertainty. So we try to give our perspective. Our opinion to calm our anxiety.

Lynn Kachmarik 6:23

Yeah.

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW 6:23

And that doesn't mean that there's not some validity in it. And I went through that process and I even said, can I have one minute to just say this to you? We were kick boarding. And I said, and I'll never say it again, and you graciously gave me the one minute that I needed for my anxiety. But in the end. You trusted yourself and that really worked.

Lynn Kachmarik 6:45

Yeah. The way you said that. You asked for permission, you didn't just blurt it out because when it's blurted out, when it's just told to you, it feels like you don't trust me. But when you say, can I share this with you? I can say, I'd rather you don't. That's my power. But I'm not an expert, in any of this. This was all new to me, so I did like hearing ideas and thoughts. When it was a choice given to me. Does that make sense?

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW 7:21

That's really powerful and I think super helpful for our listeners because the goal isn't to not give someone you love information. The goal is to give them a choice if they're open and can hear that information.

Lynn Kachmarik 7:34

Absolutely.

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW 7:35

That's really well said, Yeah. Yes. What are some other things that you found helpful or not helpful?

Lynn Kachmarik 7:40

I think not just stopping over. you even said this, but I've had many other people that they would drive by my house and just wanted to stop and come in and you make the right decision. Not stopping., it, It's happened both ways where I was in bed and the doorbell rings and my husband, who was my caretaker, may have been downstairs in the basement and didn't hear the doorbell. And so I would have to get up and go to the door and then fake excited to see you when I just didn't have the energy to even open the door. So I think checking in, if you wanna see this person on a regular basis, you can't. Don't ask all the time, just occasionally. But more than that, what can I do for you? And being open to any answer and being okay with whatever that answer is, not feeling threatened when it came back. This isn't a good time.

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW 8:39

My next question is really from my clinical practice and my own experience with my parents. Can you talk about that tricky balance between family and friends? When I say that, I think, as I've watched and listened to stories of people with cancer, with illness, one of the sad realities of it is families really first and friends have to, in a sense, be willing to step back. I wonder if that was your experience and. Did you consciously think that, or did it just kind of happen if it was your experience?

Lynn Kachmarik 9:19

It's a great question and it's a tough one because even family, you have layers and I know it was so hard. For some in my family, not to want to fly here and just live with me and be here every day, but I had my own children, my own husband, and I wanted to prioritize my kids before anyone. I wanted to make sure that if they were able to come they were able to take care of me because that was their need at that moment I wanted to be strong enough to help them through this, and so that is such a great question because your own children come before your own siblings, and that was tough. I only had so much energy and I wanted to give that to my recovery, and. My children who were traveling around the country and the world to come see me. That was hard. It was easier to say to friends, this isn't a good time. Harder to say to family, this isn't a good time because they're family. You have to be strong enough to love that person enough to respect their request.

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW 10:36

And to monitor just that normal desire to have as much time with that person when the diagnosis looks so dire.

Lynn Kachmarik 10:45

Yeah. No one was used to seeing me, barely surviving. So there was a period of time where. I never thought it was gonna take me deeply in my soul, but everyone outside was very concerned that I wasn't gonna make it.

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW 11:02

Did you pick that up?

Lynn Kachmarik 11:04

They hid it pretty well. But they were the ones that finally shared that we just had to keep coming'cause we weren't sure you were gonna make it. And I wanted to give them whatever I had and. Because they were here enough, they truly knew, okay, she needs alone time and she's in her room. And I never felt bad about that'cause it was my own kids.

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW 11:31

So It's interesting when I asked what helped meals. Because that took the pressure off of you of taking care of your family as you always had.

Lynn Kachmarik 11:39

Yeah.

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW 11:40

But then boundaries, which really allowed you to have access to your family. Yes. Anything else that you think helped?

Lynn Kachmarik 11:48

Another great thing is not constantly asking questions. That's because you want to help that person and you want, how do you feel? What do what do you need? Just kind of backing off a little bit if someone sent a text, not expecting a response right away, like sharing, don't respond. I just want you to know I'm thinking of you today, just giving you the freedom to move through this process, and then when you say you don't need that, or this isn't a good time, making sure that I was okay with that. Like not making me feel. Guilty for not saying yes to something I didn't think about that because I was in the midst of just trying to survive. But them putting that feeling on the shelf and going through my husband. That was another great thing that I didn't know was happening. People weren't actually going through me. They, were checking in with him. What do you need? And he was really monitoring what I needed without me knowing. And that gave me a freedom that I didn't even know was happening.

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW 12:54

Yes. What do you wanna say about your husband? He was magic. He was magic., I don't think I'd be here MJ if it wasn't for him.'Cause there were things that happened that I was just like. Whatever. And he's like, Nope, we're going to the ER right now.'cause that's not my tendency. And the truth is I needed to go to the ER right then. So he kept me going and kept me alive and is still doing that battle today. I think about people that don't have someone who steps up in every way to fight for them to care, take for them no matter what. The side effects were brutal and he never shied away from anything that happened. It was okay. We've gotta clean up this situation, but I'm gonna get you into this other bed and you are gonna be fine. I will take care of all that without making me feel less than and I do think about people that don't have an advocate that goes to every appointment with you. I used to laugh because he had a notebook but in that notebook, he kept track of everything from the beginning to the end. Because that was good for him, so I had to learn what your caretaker needed. It's really important to not make fun of that or not say, don't bring that, when that was good for him. So that was a little eye-opening for me. As someone who had the privilege of watching, I think that your strength is team and I saw the two of you become a team. But he was actually the captain.

Lynn Kachmarik 14:31

Yeah.

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW 14:32

And I think you're used to being the captain and the whole treatment process is so brutal that, you think it's an automatic thing to give over, but that's not been my experience is that if you don't intentionally say he has needs in this. I'm gonna trust him in this'cause I have a limited perspective. Then you lose the chance to really be a team and as I watched the two of you, the respect and the love I have for both of you just grew. And I think it's helpful for the listeners to think about supporting the caretaker because. There's not much you can really do when someone is getting radiation and chemo. You're just so sick.

Lynn Kachmarik 15:19

I had such a great support system of family and friends. I don't take it for granted at all. But even though you're circled with all these people from so many different aspects of your life, it's your journey and you feel alone. I had everything I needed at my fingertips, but when I put my head down at night. It was scary because you are alone in your thoughts and in your wisdom and in your desire to believe that you're gonna be okay. Balancing the reality of your diagnosis and you don't want people to think you're giving up or you don't have hope, but you also want to be realistic. Another thing that I value right now. Is being able to talk about it honestly, with my husbands and friends, like there are some people where I say, the chance of this coming back is so high. It's such an aggressive cancer, and I can see them looking at me thinking that. Oh my gosh you can't think that way. You have to have hope, I'm gonna fight and battle and get the best treatment I possibly can and believe that I'm gonna be that one that can go further. But I also want to be realistic. And some people don't wanna have that conversation with you, but I do, because if and when it comes back, I wanna have the right attitude. More than anything, I want my children to be prepared for whatever comes. And that's one of the things that I wrote down very quickly, the day I was diagnosed in my phone. Help your children to process this. Better than what you did when your mom had the same diagnosis? I still have that in my phone, and so I want to talk about it because I want my children to know that when my time comes and we don't know, I could have six months, I could have 10 years MJ, but I'm not naive and I'm filled with hope. But I want them to know I have lived a great life and if I go tomorrow, I'm not making this up. I am so privileged with what I am leaving. I want them to be okay with that. I want them to be okay.

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW 17:39

And that's really a powerful statement of how they can help you. Because this episode's looking at how people. Can help someone. And that has been a recurring experience I've had in my office where mothers, fathers, their children really are in denial. Of the reality and they have come to therapy or they have been my clients and said, I don't know how to get them out of their denial, out of their wishful that I would do this or he would do that, or this isn't terminal. And so it's really interesting that part of the first thing you thought of. Is you connected it back to your own experience., How powerful is that?

Lynn Kachmarik 18:31

Yeah. I really took a long time of grieving with my mother because of what she went through, and none of us knew all these questions you're asking. We didn't have answers. We didn't even think about'em. And so we were saying and doing. The wrong things. We were trying to do things that were helping us instead of really helping my mother who was so sick. I've learned from that. But I've also learned a lot from the people that have circled my life. And just taken that and applied it to this tough journey.

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW 19:00

I think this has been very helpful for our listeners from the really obvious. Of meals, which I think often people feel that when they bring a meal, it's not enough, but it actually has so many more helpful layers than one can think.

Lynn Kachmarik 19:15

Yeah.

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW 19:16

And that deep Inner work of being honest and hopeful, not just for your own sake. But for your family and friends.

Lynn Kachmarik 19:25

Yeah,

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW 19:25

I think you model for us to not be afraid and death does happen to all of us. By you being more honest, I think helps all of us live more fully and more intentionally.

Lynn Kachmarik 19:38

Yeah.

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW 19:39

You are one of a kind. I love you so much. Thank you so much for being on this podcast. Thanks for listening, and I'll be back on Monday with more creating midlife calm.