Ep. 226 Why Trying Harder Won’t Make New Year’s Resolutions Stick in Midlife—and the Coping Skill That Lowers Anxiety & Stress While Helping You Succeed

Why do midlife resolutions feel so stressful—and why don’t they seem to stick, no matter how hard you try?
You’re not alone if January brings pressure instead of calm, let’s change this!

In this episode, you’ll discover:

1.     Why “trying harder” increases midlife anxiety and stress instead of easing them

2.     The easy and natural  mindset shift  that supports real change in midlife. 

3.     Three coping skills that make New Year’s goals feel calm, sustainable, and aligned with who you are now

🎧 Take 11 minutes to start your year grounded in self-worth—not pressure—you’re worth it.

****

About the Host:
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with more than 48,000 hours of therapy sessions and 31 years of experience teaching her Mental Wellness curriculum, Inner Challenge. Four years ago she overcame her fear of technology to create a podcast that integrated her vast clinical experience and practical wisdom of cultivating mental wellness using the latest information from neuroscience. MJ was Social Worker of the Year in 2011 for Region 2/IN.

Creating Midlife Calm is a podcast designed to guide you through the challenges of midlife, tackling issues like anxiety, low self-esteem, feeling unworthy, procrastination, and isolation, while offering strategies for improving relationships, family support, emotional wellbeing, mental wellness, and parenting, with a focus on mindfulness, stress management, coping skills, and personal growth to stop rumination, overthinking, and increase confidence through self-care, emotional healing, and mental health support.

Transcript

M.J. Murray Vachon LCSW: 0:00

In this episode, you'll discover why your resolutions haven't worked and the midlife shift that finally makes change stick.

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW: 0:09

Welcome to Creating Midlife Calm, the podcast where you and I tackle stress and anxiety in midlife so you can stop feeling like crap, feel more present at home, and thrive at work. I'm MJ Murray Vachon a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with over 50,000 hours of therapy sessions and 32 years of teaching practical science-backed mental wellness.

M.J. Murray Vachon LCSW: 0:33

Welcome to the podcast and welcome to our first full length episode of 2026. If you're tired of trying hard and not feeling better, this episode is for you. With a new year often comes the pressure to set goals, especially around eating, exercise, sleep, or money. And if you've already broken or restarted a resolution this week, take a deep breath. You're right on time and you are not alone in this episode, you'll discover why the good life leaves you feeling not enough in midlife, how your brain is shifting toward the abundant life, and how knowing this can help you create goals for the new year that are achievable, sustainable, and enjoyable. Let's take a breath, inhale, and a long exhale. Oh, feel something soften. Believe it or not, becoming a bit softer is really helpful. Today we're exploring why trying Harder hasn't worked, not because something is wrong with you, but because of the mindset we've all been trained into. When I was in my twenties, I spent a year serving with the Holy Cross Associates. We lived by four pillars, community, faith, service, and simplicity. That year slowed me down. It grounded me. It gently showed me another way to live. One that emphasized community, compassion, collaboration, patience, self-worth, and curbing materialism. I entered that year thinking I'd go to law school mostly for the prestige, but realized that path might magnify the parts of me that overworked and needed to be right. There was a clarity in that season that told me I could make my life more than the rat race of the good life. Then I came home and the world around me was loud again, achieve more, buy more and look perfect while you do it. I remember sitting at a stoplight shortly after returning and noticing four different billboards, all promising a better life if I only bought something. And in that moment it hit me. Our culture teaches that stuff brings happiness, that success equals happiness and worthiness, and that I is more important than we. These tensions between simplicity and consumption, between worthiness and achievement between I and we have shaped my work ever since. Because here's the truth. America's evolution from agrarian manufacturing, consumer and digital has rewarded productivity and comparison and competition more intensely at every step. The good life was once a part of a balanced life, but our culture seems to have turned it into the entire thing. And so what I want you to do in the new year is not start with tips on how to lose weight or balance your budget, but to ask you to spend this week with me thinking about these two mindsets, the good life. Versus the abundant life. The good life mindset says do more, prove more, compete more, accumulate more, and do it now. And when you're younger, this feels really motivating. The promotions, the degrees, the houses, the achievements, the name brands. But so many of my clients hit midlife and say. I just don't want the hustle anymore. I've done everything right. Why don't I feel better? This isn't failure. This is your abundant life. Slowly awakening. your brain and your energy naturally shift from proving to becoming, from achieving to meaning, from competition to connection and collaboration. Underneath. This is a quiet knowing that you can stop rushing to the next thing, and instead be more present to the moment. This is Developmental Progress, a midlife upgrade. Not a crisis. What I want to do today and Thursday is introduce you to five anchors of this shift today. We'll start with three and finish with the next two on Thursday. Because change in midlife doesn't come from force. It comes from gentleness. Even when everything on your phone is screaming, detox bootcamps, and a new you. So let me share anchor number one, self-esteem versus self-worth. Want to hear surprising truth. Self-esteem and self-worth are not the same thing. You were born worthy. That's why we naturally delight newborns and why it breaks our hearts to see someone homeless. We instinctively know their worth has never changed. Self-esteem though that's just a scorecard of how your skills and abilities are doing in the moment. It's like the weather always shifting. Some days you feel strong, successful, proud. Other days not so much. And while you can influence self-esteem, you can't build a peaceful life on it. Because there'll always be someone who runs faster or looks more polished or has a better day at the office. Your self-worth is the stable ground. Your self-esteem is just the surface conditions. When we think about this anchor, self-worth versus self-esteem. The good life says your time, attention, and energy go towards what you achieve or how you appear. For example, your body is a project. Fix it. Then you'll feel good when you get that promotion. Others will finally know you're enough. But the abundant life says this. Your worth doesn't change depending on the scale or mirror, and it's fine to drive a 12-year-old car. The car not maketh the person. A client once said to me. If I lose weight, I know I'll feel confident. If I don't, I'll feel like a failure. There's some truth to that, but that confidence is tied to outcome. Self-worth is foundation. Self-esteem is just the weather, and midlife is when you finally notice the difference. Which leads me to anchor number two, the quick fix versus patient growth, The good life wants quick fixes and immediate rewards. 10 pounds gone fast. Sleep fixed tonight. A balanced budget without a plan. One of my clients said I do too much, too fast. Then I burn out in a week or two. Of course you do in midlife. You're caring for many people and roles, not just yourself. Quick fixes, overwhelm the nervous system, and don't take into account your entire life. The abundant life is patient with a process knowing that growth and happiness unfold over time, and the journey creates meaning and valuable connection the abundant life is patient with the process. There's no need to hurry steady. Wins the race. Which leads me to anchor number three, competition versus collaboration. Probably my favorite competition versus collaboration. The Good Life has us comparing and competing. How is she doing better than me? Why am I so behind? Remember, capitalism rooted in competition and comparison is an economic system, not a self-worth system. A client once said, I'd love to be motivated by kindness, but I'm afraid I'd lose my edge. Yes, the good life is driven by the belief that fear and competition are the best motivators, but that's one of the reasons you're exhausted. Fear and competition drain you. The abundant life is rooted in a different truth. Kindness, compassion and connection don't drain you. They sustain you. Fear pushes, compassion supports one burns you out the other builds you and others up. Yes, the abundant life creates calm and calm, makes change possible and sustainable. Let this sink in. You may need to listen to this again, because the abundant life isn't new. It's what you've always known underneath the noise. For this week's Inner Challenge, I wanna invite you to sit with what we've talked about today. You might even want to listen to this episode again, because while the abundant life can feel new, it's actually something you've known inside of you for a very long time. You already understand that calm, happiness, and joy come more from purpose, connection and meaning than from achievement, perfection, or constantly chasing the next thing. So as you think about your New Year's goals, ask yourself, am I trying to improve myself or prove myself? Write down one goal, rooted in pressure, and then rewrite it rooted in care. Notice how different it feels And then join me on Thursday. We'll explore the last two anchors of this good life versus abundant life shift, and I'll show you how to create New Year's resolutions that actually reflect your life stage. And that you can be successful not only in January, but July. In this episode, you discovered why good life pressure makes midlife feel not enough, how the abundant life, open space for real and lasting change. And three anchors to lean into as you think about your goals for the new year. Self-worth, patient growth, collaboration, and connection. Remember, you don't need to try harder this year. You just need to work with yourself, not against yourself. And in the spirit of abundance, I invite you to share this episode with someone you love who might want to go into this new year leaning into abundance. Thanks for listening, and I'll be back on Thursday with more creating midlife calm.