Ep. 213 — When Midlife Disappointment Turns to Anger or Self-Pity: Coping Skills for Stress and Anxiety

Have you ever felt that mix of anger and self-pity when life—or family—doesn’t go the way you hoped?
You’re not alone. Those emotions you try to hide aren’t weakness—they’re signals that something inside you needs care.
In this episode, you’ll discover:
1.    Why anger and self-pity are your nervous system’s natural way of asking for protection and calm.
2.    How to recognize when these emotions become traps that feed midlife stress, anxiety, and disconnection.
3.    A science-backed way to pivot from hurt to healing—without guilt, blame, or forced positivity.
 Take 10 minutes to transform hurt into calm—because understanding your emotions is the first step to midlife wisdom. You’re worth it.

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About the Host:
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with more than 48,000 hours of therapy sessions and 31 years of experience teaching her Mental Wellness curriculum, Inner Challenge. Four years ago she overcame her fear of technology to create a podcast that integrated her vast clinical experience and practical wisdom of cultivating mental wellness using the latest information from neuroscience. MJ was Social Worker of the Year in 2011 for Region 2/IN.

Creating Midlife Calm is a podcast designed to guide you through the challenges of midlife, tackling issues like anxiety, low self-esteem, feeling unworthy, procrastination, and isolation, while offering strategies for improving relationships, family support, emotional wellbeing, mental wellness, and parenting, with a focus on mindfulness, stress management, coping skills, and personal growth to stop rumination, overthinking, and increase confidence through self-care, emotional healing, and mental health support.

Transcript

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW: 0:22

In this episode, you'll discover how moments of self pity the ones you usually try to hide. Oh. In this episode, you'll discover how those uncomfortable emotions of anger and self pity can actually. Can act. In this episode, you'll discover how those uncomfortable emotions of anger and self pity can actually be transformed into. In this episode, you'll discover how those uncomfortable emotions of anger and self pity can actually be transformed into wisdom. I. On Monday, we talked about the ache of missing someone at the holiday and how to honor that longing with compassion. If Monday was about honoring, what's missing today is about transforming what's hurting, especially when that hurt turns into anger or self pity. You know those thoughts, why is it always me? Why are they spending the holidays with the, why did they spend, why do they spend the holiday with the other grandparents? They live in the same town. No. You know the voice. Why is it always me? Okay. I don't think I did. Okay. You know the thoughts? Why is it always me? I wish my kids reached out more. Why are they spending the holiday with the in-laws that they live in the same town and see every day? Sometime that a, sometime that erupts this irritation. Other times it sinks inward as self pity. Both are signals saying the same thing. Something inside of you needs care. In this episode, you'll discover why anger and self pity are your nervous system's. Natural way of asking for protection and care. How to recognize when they become traps that feed anxiety, stress, and disconnection. A simple way to pivot from hurt to healing without guilt, blame, or forced positivity. You can't think your way out of anger or self pity, but you can understand them and that understanding brings relief and calm. Let's start with the science. When something hurts emotionally, your brain's interior ingate cortex lights up the same area activated by physical pain. Think about that. When your heart hurts, your brain reacts the same way it would to a broken leg. That's why loneliness, rejection, or disappointment, literally hurt when emotional pain activates that area. Your brain releases stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. That's why anger and self pity can feel so consuming. Your body literally thinks you've been hurt. Because you have understanding that can help you treat your emotions with the same tenderness you give a bruise or broken bone. Anger and self pity are distress signals. Your nervous system's way of saying something feels unfair or out of balance, please pay attention. But our culture teaches you to flip pain into blame. They never think of me. Or to suppress it, I'm fine. I don't care. Blame disconnects you from others. Avoidance disconnects you from yourself. If instead you tend to befriend your pain, if instead you tend to befriend your pain with curiosity instead of judgment, it begins to transform into insight. Research by Dr. Kristin Neff shows that when you meet your pain with compassion rather than criticism, your nervous system actually quiets faster. That's what happens when you pause before reacting or pushing your feelings away. I've also worked with people who don't cry. When they miss someone, they get snappy, irritable, or cynical. The irritation over a forgotten text or the the irritation over a forgotten text, or the resentment that someone else got invited for, they get irritated over a forgotten text or they feel resentful that someone else got invited first. But beneath that anger is often the same. Longing for connection. I once worked with a client who dreaded Thanksgiving every year after her divorce. Her kids lived too far to travel and she o her. Her kids lived too far to travel home and she often found herself home and she found herself home during the holiday. She'd scroll through photos, she'd scroll through photos of families gathered in spiral into thoughts. She'd scroll through photos of families gathered together and spiral into thoughts like, I guess I'm just not lovable enough. I guess I'm not just, I guess I'm just not lovable enough. Everyone else has someone but me. Sometimes that sadness turned into anger. She'd think, why do I always have to be the strong one? When we unpacked it, she realized both emotions, anger, and self pity were covering something deeper, longing to belong, so she decided she just couldn't stand another holiday. Scrolling through other people's joy, she got brave and asked to. She got brave and asked two coworkers who also didn't have family nearby to join her for a potluck, and the next time I saw her, she said it wasn't perfect, but it felt real warm food, real laughter, and no scrolling. We even went to a movie at night. That's the power of noticing your feelings without judgment. That's the power of not getting stuck in anger and self pity. That's the power of using your anger and self pity as a springboard, not a block of cement. Both anger and self pity become destructive. Only when you stay stuck there, they can trap you in comparison or resentment, convincing you that life is happening all around you instead of through you. But when you pause, just like you practiced with notice, name, tame, and name, you give your brain a chance to reset. Try it like this. Notice. Look for that poor me voice, or I can't believe this anger when it shows up. Maybe it's seeing the other grandparents with the grandkids or when you feel like you're the one doing all the planning while the others or when you feel like you are doing all the planning while others coast. Name I'm feeling left out and unseen. That honesty opens the door to compassion. Tame ground your feet, place a hand over your heart and just takes some breaths. That simple act calms your amygdala, stays with sadness or frustration for sick. Stay with the sadness or frustration for 60 to 90 seconds. Let it move through you. Remember, feelings aren't facts unless you start creating a story that turns one data point into drama. The data point is simple. It hurts to not have. The data point is simple. It hurts to not have what you want. Once you move through that feeling, your thinking, brain comes back online. Aim, ask. What is this feeling asking for? The answer usually isn't grand. It's connection, rest, re it's connection, rest, reassurance, enjoyment. You may not always get your first wish, but you don't have to stay stuck, and sometimes that reflection reveals and sometimes that reflection reveals something even more important. You haven't clearly shared your needs. It is easy to assume that people should know what would help you feel seen or included.

11:26

But checking in with your anger,

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW: 11:28

but checking in with your anger or self pity can be a cue to check in with your communication. Sometimes you're waiting for others to meet a need they don't even know exists. Meeting your own needs. Doesn't mean doing it all alone.

11:42

It means inviting others in instead of waiting for them to guess. What would help.

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW: 11:50

It means inviting others in instead of waiting for them to guess. What would help. When you speak your truth gently and clearly, you give connection a chance to grow. Another client told me she felt silly admitting she had a pity party after her adult children announced they were taking their family on a ski trip instead of coming home for the holidays. She wisely said nothing on the call so she wouldn't say something she'd regret, but afterward. Her mind raced with resentment. Then she stopped. She decided to sit with her disappointment instead of flipping it into anger. She grounded her feet breathed and simply felt sad. After about 15 minutes, she said,

12:36

I think

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW: 12:37

Their kids are teenagers and they probably want what I want more time together. She still felt sad, but she wasn't taking it personally anymore.

12:50

She called her son and asked if she could come for a long holiday. She called her son and asked if she could come for a long holiday in January.

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW: 13:01

She called her son and asked if she could come for a long weekend in January. He was so enthusiastic. He said, let's celebrate Christmas. We'll keep the tree up.

13:12

Having a family that loves each other, having a family that loves each other means there are many competing demands, and this time she was.

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW: 13:27

Having a family that loves each other means there are many competing demands. Her work became figuring out how to create connection in a new way. That's the real lesson here. Anger and self pity aren't endings their beginnings. There are clues that something inside of you needs care, not criticism.

13:52

When you meet them with compassion, when you meet them with compassion, you move from why me?

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW: 14:01

When you meet them with compassion, you move from why me to what do I need right now? Gratitude doesn't erase self-pity. It grows from it. Calm doesn't cancel anger, it transforms it.

14:16

When you listen closely,

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW: 14:18

when you listen closely to what hurts, you'll hear the heartbeat of what still matters, and that's where midlife wisdom begins.

14:28

Before you move on with your day, take one quiet moment in this. Before you move on with this,

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW: 14:36

before you move on with your day, take one quiet moment in this busy season to notice. Is there a part of you that feels unseen, unheard, or unappreciated? Ask yourself, have I given others a chance to know what I need? If not, let this awareness be your starting point. It's not about pushing your feelings away, it's about listening to what they're asking you to say. In this episode, you discovered that anger and self pity aren't flaws. They're feedback. You learn how to reveal unmet needs, how to regulate with notice, name, tame a name, and how gratitude naturally follows when you give yourself the care you were hoping others would give.

15:27

And how gratitude naturally follows when you give yourself the care you are hoping others would give.

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW: 15:37

If you have friends going through this this time of the year, please share this episode

15:42

and feel free to listen to my four minute holiday meditation episode 1 0 6.

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW: 15:49

And feel free to listen to my four minute holiday meditation episode 1 0 6.

15:56

Thanks for listening, and I'll be

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW: 15:59

thanks for listening, and I'll be back on Monday with more creating midlife calm.