Ep. 212 — How to Cope with the Midlife Holiday Ache of Missing Loved Ones: Simple Coping Skills for Stress, Anxiety, and Longing

Have you ever looked at the holiday table and felt the quiet ache of someone missing?
You’re not alone — and it doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means your love is remembering.
In this episode, you’ll discover:
1.   The science of why your brain links memory, belonging, and emotion so powerfully this time of year.
2.   Why noticing your “missing” is the key to transforming midlife anxiety into calm and clarity.
3.   Three simple coping skills to ground yourself, reconnect, and find meaning when the holidays feel too quiet.
 Take ten minutes to turn your holiday stress into calm, gratitude, and grounded connection — you’re worth it.

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About the Host:
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with more than 48,000 hours of therapy sessions and 31 years of experience teaching her Mental Wellness curriculum, Inner Challenge. Four years ago she overcame her fear of technology to create a podcast that integrated her vast clinical experience and practical wisdom of cultivating mental wellness using the latest information from neuroscience. MJ was Social Worker of the Year in 2011 for Region 2/IN.

Creating Midlife Calm is a podcast designed to guide you through the challenges of midlife, tackling issues like anxiety, low self-esteem, feeling unworthy, procrastination, and isolation, while offering strategies for improving relationships, family support, emotional wellbeing, mental wellness, and parenting, with a focus on mindfulness, stress management, coping skills, and personal growth to stop rumination, overthinking, and increase confidence through self-care, emotional healing, and mental health support.

Transcript

M.J. Murray Vachon LCSW: 0:00

In this episode, you'll discover how to find calming connection when the holidays stir up that quiet ache of missing someone you love.

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW: 0:08

Welcome to Creating Midlife Calm, the podcast where you and I tackle stress and anxiety in midlife so you can stop feeling like crap, feel more present at home, and thrive at work. I'm MJ Murray Vachon a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with over 50,000 hours of therapy sessions and 32 years of teaching practical science-backed mental wellness.

M.J. Murray Vachon LCSW: 0:32

Welcome to the podcast. A few months ago, I received an email from a listener who wrote, what about those of us who aren't estranged from our kids, but whose lives are so busy and demanding that coming home or us visiting is hard to fit in even during the holidays? The holidays can be a time of warmth, gratitude, and connection, but also a time of absence. That chair isn't filled, the text, that doesn't come, the tradition that quietly fades. We're living in a time where plane tickets have become unaffordable, jobs are demanding that there's little energy left to travel. For many in midlife. This season brings a mix of gratitude and grief, especially when your grown children have lives of their own or when you've lost parents, siblings, or friends who wants defined the holiday. My office has been full of people talking about this, the ache for family gatherings of the past when children were home, elders were alive, and the orbit of the holidays surrounded you. We hear a lot about family estrangement these days, but today's episode is about family absence, missing the holidays. You once knew when life and geography made connection easier. In this episode, you'll discover the science of why your brain links memory, emotion, and belonging so powerfully this time of year. The importance of noticing you're missing of loved ones and not pushing it away. And three ways to turn longing into a moment of grounding, connection and calm. Have you ever wondered why you can be going along happily and hear a Christmas song or see a Turkey and instantly be filled with a sense of longing? Let me share with you the science holiday memories. Light up your brain's hippocampus and amygdala the same. Centers store emotional memory. That's why a smell, a song, or a familiar recipe can bring both warmth and a pang of sadness. Your brain is blending past and present reminding you of love and sometimes loss. This is how your mind keeps connection alive. The pain is proof that the relationship mattered. That blend of memory and emotion shows up more vividly when life changes, like when your nest empties or the holidays start to look different than before. I once worked with a client, a newly empty nester, who told me Thanksgiving felt too quiet to breathe. Her son had moved across the country her daughter was spending the holiday with in-laws. She said, I know I should be happy for them, but it feels like they've moved on and I am all alone. So we talked about what was really being triggered, not abandonment, but transition, the shift from being the center of the family orbit to being one of the many satellites. Ouch. I asked her to sit in my office, notice name and tame her feelings of sadness about her children not being home. At first, she hesitated. I mean, who wants to feel sad? But then she closed her eyes, placed her hand over her heart, and breathed tears fell as she whispered. Now I know how my mom must have felt. Yes, that's one of the hardest parts of parenting. Adult children, they haven't yet stood in your shoes. They're creating new traditions while you're letting go of old ones. Painful. Absolutely. It's always more fun to create than to let go, but both are vital skills and I encourage you to acknowledge the pain of letting go. So let me share with you three ways to stay grounded when you're missing someone at the holidays so you can move from letting go to creating some of your own new traditions number one, let the ache be data, not drama. What I've seen in my office is that when pain goes unacknowledged, it often turns into anger or self pity when it's actually healthy. Sadness about missing those you love. When the wave of longing hits pause, notice where it lands in your body. That tightness in your throat, The tears in your eyes are the heaviness in your heart. You are remembering love. You don't have to push it away or turn it into a story. Just hold it. Tend and befriend notice name and tame. This is hard. It's really hard. When my kids were young, we had huge family Thanksgivings with aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends. Now, I seldom have either of my children home and all, but one of the cousins have moved away. To be honest, it kind of sucks. Just acknowledging that takes a bit of the sting away and helps me move to a new place. I can wish my kids live closer, but I just don't wanna stay stuck there. I can lean into the love that still exists and create something new. Which leads me to my second idea of how to move through the ache, create meaningful moments of connection this holiday season, even if you're at a distance. I'm a big fan of the no guilt, low pressure, small connection. Send a text schedule. FaceTime for dessert plan pie on Friday. One family I know eats leftover pie together over FaceTime. Everyone brings whipped cream and shares what they're grateful for. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. Our kids are so busy, it's hard to get them to schedule something, but I stole a line from one of my clients when he said to his son, who is reluctant to schedule pie Friday. Son, someday your kids will live far away and you'll be really glad you modeled connection even when it took a little bit of planning and effort. Remember, your adult children have so much on their plates that a little perspective said kindly can help them see the bigger picture. And that leads me to my third suggestion. Anchor yourself in the present. My experience is that when people do this type of grief work, the work of letting go of how things used to be, it gives you a bit of energy to create something new. So after you've acknowledged the ache and reached out, challenge yourself to do one new thing this holiday season that grounds you in today. Remember, you're not the only one missing someone this week. Many people's children live far away. Look around. Who else might appreciate an invitation or a shared meal? Volunteer to cook, serve or simply show up for someone who feels alone or invite yourself to a friend's house. Because holidays are so taxing. It's not unusual for someone you know to overlook that you may not have something to do, but most people are so happy to add one more plate at the table. Especially if you bring your favorite dish. Check in with your church, community center or workplace and see if there's someone who could use a seat at your table. Connection. Always multiplies when you give it away. Push through your hesitation. You'll be glad that you did this week's Inner Challenge is that when that wave of missing washes over you. Pause and tend to it. Sit with it like you would your younger self or your child years ago when they were hurting and you knew rushing wouldn't help. Let the tears come if they need to Notice, if your sadness wants to flip into anger or self self-pity and gently guide it back to care In this episode, you discovered the science of why your brain links memory to holiday seasons, the importance of slowing down, noticing your ache, not pushing it away, and three ways to turn this longing into moments of grounding, connection and calm. So you too can have a good holiday season, even when your loved ones are at a distance on Thursday, I'll be back to talk about what to do when your hurt turns to anger or self pity. Trust me, it has nothing to do with being critical of yourself you know someone else who's missing their family this holiday season, please forward this episode to them. Thanks for listening to Creating Midlife Calm.