Ep. 211 Triggered? The 1 Powerful Coping Skill That Can Calm Midlife Stress and Anxiety Before It Takes Over

What if your biggest triggers are actually your best teachers?
You’re not broken—you’re human, and your nervous system is simply trying to protect you.
In this episode, you’ll discover:
1.    How to use a simple coping skill  to move through triggers in real time
2.    Why tending to your inner world (not controlling the outer one) is the real path to calm
3.    How using this science-backed coping skill helps you become less triggered over time by rewiring old emotional patterns and strengthening self-trust
 Take 10 minutes to retrain your brain, reduce anxiety, and rebuild self-trust—one trigger at a time. You’re worth it.

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About the Host:
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with more than 48,000 hours of therapy sessions and 31 years of experience teaching her Mental Wellness curriculum, Inner Challenge. Four years ago she overcame her fear of technology to create a podcast that integrated her vast clinical experience and practical wisdom of cultivating mental wellness using the latest information from neuroscience. MJ was Social Worker of the Year in 2011 for Region 2/IN.

Creating Midlife Calm is a podcast designed to guide you through the challenges of midlife, tackling issues like anxiety, low self-esteem, feeling unworthy, procrastination, and isolation, while offering strategies for improving relationships, family support, emotional wellbeing, mental wellness, and parenting, with a focus on mindfulness, stress management, coping skills, and personal growth to stop rumination, overthinking, and increase confidence through self-care, emotional healing, and mental health support.

Transcript

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW: 0:00

In this episode you'll discover a simple coping skill you can use the moment you feel triggered Welcome to Creating Midlife Calm, the podcast where you and I tackle stress and anxiety in midlife so you can stop feeling like crap, feel more present at home, and thrive at work. I'm MJ Murray Vachon a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with over 50,000 hours of therapy sessions and 32 years of teaching practical science-backed mental wellness. Welcome to the podcast On Monday I shared how understanding the science of being triggered helps you see what's really happening inside your brain and body Today we're going one step further how to move through a trigger so you not only feel better in the moment but start being triggered less In this episode you'll discover a simple process to use when you're triggered how this process increases your sense of safety and accurate self-awareness And how it helps you update old reactions so you feel calmer and more confident with yourself and others Let's start with a quick check-in from Monday's Inner Challenge I asked you to notice what happens when you feel triggered Do you see it as someone else's fault or as your own failure What if instead you saw it as information you mind and body inviting you to do deeper Inner work That awareness sets you up perfectly for today's coping skill Being triggered is incredibly uncomfortable It can show up as a flash of irritation that familiar wave of anxiety or a full-blown panic response One of the hardest parts about being triggered is that something outside of you throws off the inside of you That mismatch makes you vulnerable to believe that if the world behaved your nervous system would finally be calm Sometimes I tell my clients think of being triggered like being rear-ended at a stoplight You're doing everything right but now you still have to put time and care into realignment before you can move forward The repair takes attention not blame My clients begin to make real progress when they stop being mad at the outside world for triggering them and instead get curious about their inside world that needs tending Here's the good news You can transform your triggers using my emotional regulation coping skill Notice name tame a name I introduce this method in episode six and seven If you are willing to tend and befriend your triggers yes actually make friends with them They can become one of your greatest teachers helping you build calm and confidence from the inside out Let's walk through an example A midlife client of mine grew up in a household where her father left when she was nine Her mother fell into depression and by age 11 she was running the house cooking cleaning keeping everyone afloat Fast forward to adulthood She's successful capable and deeply caring Yet she often finds herself triggered when her family relaxes while she's still working When her kids leave dishes in the sink or her husband scrolls on his phone her chest tightens her stomach knots and suddenly she's shouting words She regrets She came to therapy wanting tips to get her family to help more What she really needed was to understand why her reactions felt so big Remember Monday's phrase What's hysterical is often historical together we walk through her last explosion using the notice name tame aim process.

4:00

I think of this like Monday morning quarterbacking Going back and using this process to understand what the trigger actually means, and to ask yourself, is this the whole truth? Then to aim to imagine a new way of responding. So in my office, she replayed the moment she was at the sink after a long day of work, cleaning up while everyone else relaxed. Her thought everyone gets to rest but me. Her body was tense, her stomach tight, her temperature rising. She then went to step two name instead of doing what she usually does, naming what her family was doing, that was pissing her off. She actually named what was happening inside of her. Yes, she tended to herself. I'm feeling resentful, unseen, and used. I'm being triggered by watching everyone rest while I'm still working. She then moved to the next step. Tame. This is the step that begins to change everything. She befriended herself instead of reaching outward, she turned inward and gently tended to herself by grounding her feet, taking some slow breaths and reregulating her central nervous system. She also imagined turning the water to cool a sensory cue that tells her nervous system, you're okay. It's safe here. You can calm down. Then she pictured herself walking to her room for a short reset before re-engaging. And that's when she moved to the next step. Aim. This is where real transformation happens. She asked herself, is it true that I can't rest? Who's telling me that story? As she reflected on that question, her mind floated back to childhood where she was an 11-year-old girl. Keeping chaos at bay by staying busy. Back then, constant motion did keep her safe. She then looked up at me with tears in her eyes and said, if I don't yell. I'm not sure what to do.

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW: 6:18

This is a very common sticking point when you're working through triggers You've had the courage to admit that your reactions aren't what you wanna keep doing that your old coping skills aren't needed but you can't always see what else you can do I encouraged her to again slow down pause and just think what would you tell a friend to do in this moment A few seconds later she looked up at me and she said I guess I could sit on the couch next to my husband instead of resenting him Exactly that tiny shift replacing survival behavior with a new choice created calm where there used to be chaos Over time she kept a trigger journal tracking moments when she reacted she began to notice that she had less and less triggers And of equal importance within months her family was stepping up more because she was no longer leading with anger but with awareness Let me give you one more example A client told me she always felt an urge to overexplain herself at work Whenever someone questioned her ideas that anxious rush in her chest wasn't about the current meeting It was an old memory of being the youngest in a loud family Constantly trying to be seen and proved that she belonged once she recognized that she practiced notice name tame and name right at her desk Notice her body temperature rising Her thoughts racing I need to say the right thing Name I'm feeling like I have to prove my worth Tame Ground your feet and a few deep exhales aim Is anyone giving me a message that I don't belong her new thought Not at all The people I work with want my opinion and just like that her confidence grew all because she slowed down took 30 seconds and turned inward and tended to her old thought and did an update yes the people she worked with did value her these are the moments where growth happens When you notice your triggers name them with compassion tame your body's alarm and aim your thoughts towards truth You start building safety from the inside out And let's be honest this couldn't be more important than right now as the holidays approach Family gatherings are where old patterns love to reappear You might find yourself irritated at something small or feeling like you've slipped back into an outdated family role That's when you can use this simple but powerful process It's your map back to calm Notice what's happening in your body Name the emotion not the person Tame the surge with breath and grounding and aim Ask yourself is this reaction about now Or about then the holidays will still have their moments but you'll move through them with more grace self-awareness and calm than ever before If you feel stuck or overwhelmed by triggers don't hesitate to seek professional help You deserve all the support you need In this episode you discovered how to use notice name tame a name to move through your triggers in real time You learn that when you shift your focus from controlling the outside world to understanding your Inner one your nervous system begins to feel safer and your reactions begin to update themselves Remember your triggers aren't trying to punish you They're trying to teach you Thanks for listening and I'll be back on Monday with more creating midlife calm