Ep. 199 How to Banish Your Inner Critic in Midlife and Move From Anxiety and Stress to Calm and Self-Trust

Why does your inner critic keep pushing you harder even when you already know how to get things done in midlife?
Your inner critic often hides behind “truth,” “motivation,” or “standards.”
In this episode, you’ll discover:
1.  Why tracing the roots of your inner critic matter and how giving it a midlife update can free you to trust yourself and enjoy your life
2.  How self-criticism wires your body for stress and anxiety—and what you can do to shift into calm
3.   A simple, science-backed coping skill that helps you move from judgment         to  gratitude, confidence, and self-trust 

 Take 11 minutes to rewire your inner critic, ease anxiety, and increase calm in midlife—you’re worth it.

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About the Host:
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with more than 48,000 hours of therapy sessions and 31 years of experience teaching her Mental Wellness curriculum, Inner Challenge. Four years ago she overcame her fear of technology to create a podcast that integrated her vast clinical experience and practical wisdom of cultivating mental wellness using the latest information from neuroscience. MJ was Social Worker of the Year in 2011 for Region 2/IN.

Creating Midlife Calm is a podcast designed to guide you through the challenges of midlife, tackling issues like anxiety, low self-esteem, feeling unworthy, procrastination, and isolation, while offering strategies for improving relationships, family support, emotional wellbeing, mental wellness, and parenting, with a focus on mindfulness, stress management, coping skills, and personal growth to stop rumination, overthinking, and increase confidence through self-care, emotional healing, and mental health support.

Transcript

M.J. Murray Vachon LCSW: 0:00

In this episode, you'll discover how to quiet the harshest critic you'll ever face your inner one.

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW: 0:06

Welcome to Creating Midlife Calm, the podcast where you and I tackle stress and anxiety in midlife so you can stop feeling like crap, feel more present at home, and thrive at work. I'm MJ Murray Vachon a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with over 50,000 hours of therapy sessions and 32 years of teaching practical science-backed mental wellness.

M.J. Murray Vachon LCSW: 0:30

Welcome to the podcast. On Monday, we talked about how taming your outer critic is the first step to quieting your inner critic. Today we're going to flip it. We'll take that same skill and turn it inward. In this episode, you'll discover three things, why your inner critic is so much trickier than your outer one. How to trace where that first voice started and why it still shows up in midlife, and how to use the science-backed three-step process. Notice, name and tame, aim and reframe to finally calm it down. This isn't about toxic positivity, it's about rewiring your inner critic so you can lower anxiety, feel more confidence and gratitude, as well as calm in midlife. On Monday, I gave you an Inner Challenge pick an area of your life such as driving, parenting, or working on a project. And for one day notice every time you catch yourself criticizing someone else. And then say, critic, quit it and practice the three steps. How'd you do? I use this challenge as a reset for myself, and I notice how often that outer critic was sneaking in without me really realizing it. Just that little shift made a big difference because as we said, knowing doesn't change things. But it points us in the right direction of doing and it's taking the right action that really can help us cultivate calm. Today we're taking that same skill and turning it inward. On your inner critic. You are outer critic. It's easy to spot. You say it, you hear it, but your inner critic, it's sneakier. It hides as truth, motivation, or standards. It feels harder to quiet it because it sounds like your voice, but here's the good news, even though it's harder to spot your Inner critic. The same. Critic quit it. Process works on that sneaky inner voice notice name and tame, aim and reframe. So here's a question I want you to think about. What school did your inner critic attend? Maybe you had a parent who was overly critical. Or the opposite. A parent who thought you were gifted, which created a lot of pressure. Maybe you grew up in a high achieving school or neighborhood, or you followed a talented sibling, or you had a learning difference undiagnosed A DHD, or didn't like sports. All of this making you feel you weren't good at what others valued as a child, you absorbed everything around you. You didn't yet have the superpower of self-reflection. That's why pausing now in midlife to assess the origin of your critical voice is so powerful. Let me share a story. A few years ago, I was teaching my mental wellness program, Inner Challenge to the freshman football players at Notre Dame. One of my students had a particularly loud inner and outer critic. After day one, he said, I can't imagine a class like this will help me. I've gotten here by beating the shit outta myself. Being nice won't get me to the pros. I looked at him and said, well, just show up. Take what you can, punt the rest and wouldn't you know it. He became one of my most curious students ever. in one paper he wrote, I learned to be competitive and self-critical through football, but I always had a team around me that believed in me off the field. I don't have that team. My critical voice takes over and it paralyzes me. Honestly, it's sucks. That's the truth about your inner voice. It can drive success in one area and make you feel stuck. Everywhere else. Which leads me to my next insight that may be surprising many people, and perhaps you are one, are afraid to let go of their inner critic. Because they believe it's the reason they've succeeded. And sometimes that's true. I once worked with a client who was the youngest in her family. She grew up pushing herself to keep up with her talented older siblings as an adult in midlife. She was still acting like the youngest child. Her home was organized, her career successful, her relationship solid, but inside she was her own drill sergeant. Never taking time to savor her success. She said to me, I get what you're saying, MJ, that I don't need to push myself so hard, but I don't know if I can trust myself without being critical. And that's the heart of it. The fear that if you soften your inner critic you'll stop doing what needs to be done. It's really an issue of can you trust yourself? I'm gonna bet you can. And in doing so, you might actually do it with more enjoyment and intention. By midlife, you already know how to get things done. Why not enjoy the ride more? Go ahead. Thank yourself criticism for its service. Then gently say you're not needed in the same way anymore. Guess what happened to this woman after she did the update and softened her Inner critic? She came to therapy one day and said, now that my Inner critic isn't talking all the time, I find myself feeling grateful when I get things done before, I didn't have any space in my head to enjoy success because I was too afraid of the next failure. But now I actually find myself pausing and taking it in when things go well. She realized gratitude helped quiet both her inner critic and her outer one. The goal isn't to silence your Inner critic forever. It's actually to move from the mind of a child where a critic runs the show to the mind of a midlife adult, where you decide when to listen and when to soften. That's a crucial update. And what I found with my clients is understanding the science behind self-criticism can really help motivate you to softening your inner voice. Here's what research shows. Self-criticism lights up the same brain regions as physical pain. Isn't that mind blowing when you criticize yourself? It's like pulling a hamstring. It fuels anxiety by keeping your body in fight or flight mode. Think about it. When you pull a hamstring, you automatically stop and care for it. You don't keep sprinting until you throw out your back. Yet with self-criticism, you keep running. Let me share an example. You've got a big presentation tomorrow and you go to bed and all of a sudden your critic, shows up with a highlight reel of failure and a novel about how the big boss will be there. Your body is already in fight or flight, and you haven't even walked in the room. Now let's run it with critic. Quit it. Notice the night before you catch the thought. I can't screw this up. You notice your shoulders are tense, your stomach twists name and tame. You say, quit it, critic, ground your feet and take some breaths. You let your shoulders drop and you remind yourself. Being nervous is normal. It means I care, and you stay with your breath. Work for 60 to 90 seconds, and when you feel your body relax. You move to aim and refrain. You reparent yourself. You offer reassurance the way you'd comfort a scared child. You're prepared. This is one presentation. It won't make or break life. You can do this. Of course, this doesn't erase all your nerves. You're still going to feel some anxiousness until the presentation's over, but it keeps your mind from getting stuck in negativity and creating a feature film about failure. You calm your body. You create space for resilience. You might even run a positive mental movie, something I talked about in episode 180 6. It can help your brain shift from fear to calm and confidence. Our culture gives you lots of messages that your inner critic is the key to your success. Work harder, be tougher, never let up. But the truth is that kind of constant pressure might push you forward for a while, yet it steals your joy, your confidence, and even your ability to trust yourself. Remember, your outer critic was just practice, but learning to quiet your inner critic. That's the real game changer. And in midlife, trust me, you have what it takes to do this. And what's the payoff? More gratitude, more confidence, grounding in self-trust, and of course calm. In this episode, you've discovered why your Inner critic is harder to spot than your outer critic, where it learned its voice and how self-criticism wires your body for stress, and you practice turning critic. Quit it inward. Notice name and tame. Aim and reframe To reparent yourself right size pressure with a positive mental movie, and to move from judgment to gratitude, confidence, self-trust, and calm. thanks for listening, and I'll be back on Monday celebrating my 200th episode of Creating Midlife Calm.