Ep. 198 The Surprising Science Backed Coping Skill That Will Silence Your Inner Critic, Ease Midlife Anxiety & Calm Stress

Why do your efforts to silence your inner critic never seem to last?
You’re not alone—midlife anxiety and stress often thrive when criticism becomes a daily habit.
In this episode, you’ll discover:
1.  Why calming your outer critic is the real key to quieting your inner critic
2.  How midlife stress, anxiety, and overthinking are fueled by cultural patterns of criticism
3.  The surprising science of what criticism does to your body—and the coping skill that rewires your brain in real time
 Take 11 minutes to silence your critic, ease midlife anxiety, and lower stress—you’re worth it.

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About the Host:
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with more than 48,000 hours of therapy sessions and 31 years of experience teaching her Mental Wellness curriculum, Inner Challenge. Four years ago she overcame her fear of technology to create a podcast that integrated her vast clinical experience and practical wisdom of cultivating mental wellness using the latest information from neuroscience. MJ was Social Worker of the Year in 2011 for Region 2/IN.

Creating Midlife Calm is a podcast designed to guide you through the challenges of midlife, tackling issues like anxiety, low self-esteem, feeling unworthy, procrastination, and isolation, while offering strategies for improving relationships, family support, emotional wellbeing, mental wellness, and parenting, with a focus on mindfulness, stress management, coping skills, and personal growth to stop rumination, overthinking, and increase confidence through self-care, emotional healing, and mental health support.

Transcript

M.J. Murray Vachon LCSW: 0:00

In this episode, you'll discover why the secret to quieting your Inner critic begins on the outside,

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW: 0:06

Welcome to Creating Midlife Calm, the podcast where you and I tackle stress and anxiety in midlife so you can stop feeling like crap, feel more present at home, and thrive at work. I'm MJ Murray Vachon a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with over 50,000 hours of therapy sessions and 32 years of teaching practical science-backed mental wellness.

M.J. Murray Vachon LCSW: 0:31

welcome to the podcast. Most of us, try to quiet the Inner critic by changing how we talk to ourselves. You know, self-compassion, positive mantras, even that adorable one from the movie, the help you as kind, you as smart you is important. And sometimes that works, but often it doesn't stick. Isn't that confusing? That's exactly what we're gonna tackle today. In this episode, you'll discover why the secret to quieting your Inner critic begins on the outside, the surprising science of criticism, how our culture fuels criticism, and a three step process to help your Inner critic quit it. So why is it hard to tame that voice on the inside? All good therapists go to therapy and trust me, I've worn a well tried and path to many different therapists over the years. I've learned from each of them. But years ago, one gave me an assignment that really changed things. She asked me to make a list of what I was criticizing as I moved through just one day. Not things about myself, but things outside of myself. Being a good student, I made a list I was shocked at how often I was critical. My husband worked too much. My supervisor was too picky. That was the truth. My clients weren't healing fast enough. Chicago drivers were crazy. The bank teller was too slow, the laundromat too dirty. I was in my late twenties trying to grow into self-awareness. And that assignment really held a mirror up to how critical I was being as I walked through my days. I went back to therapy the next week and my therapist gave me a twist. She challenged me to go two full days without being critical of things I had no control over, such as my husband's work schedule. She wasn't working on my Inner critic. She was working on my unrealistic desire to control. And it worked. I became more aware of what I now call staying in my lane. But here's what surprised me. That intervention was what I call a twofer because being less critical on the outside actually made me less critical on the inside. That's the key. Your Inner critic doesn't just live inside of you. It gets stronger every time. You criticize out there. Your partner, your coworker, the driver in front of you, even someone on social media. Here's the surprising truth. If you want to calm your Inner critic, start with the outer one. That's why today's coping skill is called critic. Quit it. I want you to think of your critic like a muscle. Every time you criticize someone, you're lifting weights with that muscle. It gets stronger, sharper, and more automatic. Eventually, that same muscle turns inward. Start by noticing how you talk or think about others. The outer critic is often the practice round for your Inner critic, this may be the only time someone tells you, let's get that muscle to atrophy. Not with brute force, but with just enough energy and attention to the coping skill. I call critic. Quit it. I find coping skills are most effective when they're grounded in science, and here's what science tells us about criticism. The brain doesn't really distinguish between outer and Inner. When you criticize others, your stress system still fires. Cortisol rises your nervous system shifts into threat mode, and you stay on high alert. On the flip side, when you replace criticism with curiosity. Or compassion. Your brain releases oxytocin and other calming chemicals. You literally rewire your brain to feel calmer, and that's what this podcast is all about. let Me share a story from the couch. I had a client who was absolutely miserable at work. His boss micromanaged everything he did every night. He went home and unloaded on his wife. Every morning. He dreaded walking into the office for good reasons. He wasn't in a position to look for a new job, so he came to therapy, worn out and said, how do I cope with this impossible boss? I taught him the coping skill critic. Quit it. I asked him to run this experiment. Every time he silently criticized his boss, say to himself, critic, quit it, and then shift his focus back to his work at lunch, he emailed me. MJ, what the heck? For the first time in months, my shoulders aren't tense. I don't feel exhausted. What just happened? Can I come in earlier this week? Because while I feel better, I kind of miss being critical. That's how powerful the critic is. It tricks you into thinking criticism is necessary when really it's draining you. And here's the catch. Criticism is both exhausting. And exhilarating, just look at our culture. Outraged cells. Social media thrives on criticism. News feeds are designed to keep us outraged. En arrangement equals engagement, but here's the cost. When you consume constant criticism, you practice it, you feed the critic, and when the critic is fed, it grows stronger outwardly, and it almost always shows up inwardly. Fueling your anxiety, increasing your stress, and your midlife overthinking. Ouch. Criticism feels powerful, but it's false power. It's power over, not power with. This is where critic quit. It comes in. It's more than a catchy phrase. It's a reset button you can use anytime, and it doesn't cost a cent. Here's the three step process. Step one, notice. Catch yourself in the act of criticizing. Maybe you're thinking, why is she always late, or, that's such a dumb decision. Just notice it. Step two, name and tame. Take a breath. Ask yourself, is this helping me feel calmer or more connected? Almost always the answer is no. Step three. Aim and reframe. Shift your thought. Replace criticism with curiosity. I wonder what's going on for them, or compassion. That must be hard, or sometimes just silence. Say to yourself, critic, quit it. Then follow those three steps. you might be saying, but MJ, aren't you being a little critical by saying critic quit it? Well, on one hand, yes, but this habit of criticizing does need a firm hand. It doesn't need a slap, but it needs you to pay special attention to it and begin to develop a healthier way of responding to those things outside of you Here's another story from the couch. I once worked with a client who had immigrated here from Asia. She came from a family of incredibly high achievers. Their beliefs were simple. You can never aim high enough and you can never do things well enough. She carried both a loud Inner critic and a sharp outer one, and for years that critic pushed people away, the very people she needed during a time of deep loss. In our first session, I was seven minutes late and she was furious. She sat down, she looked at me and she said Being late is very unprofessional, but after months of practicing critic, quit it. She came in one day and said, now, when you're late, I tell myself, MJ is probably giving the client before me a few extra minutes, just like she does for me when I need it. That one shift from criticism to curiosity, to understanding softened her, it allowed her to stay connected instead of pushing people away, and most importantly, it was her first step in learning how to soften and quiet her Inner critic. So here's your Inner Challenge. For the next 24 hours, every time you catch yourself criticizing someone else, say out loud or to yourself, critic, quit it. Then use the three steps. Notice, name and tame, aim and reframe. To make it easier, choose just one arena to practice in, be it driving, scrolling, or in your closest relationship. And then just notice what happens. Remember. Critic quit. It only works if you practice it. Knowing does not bring about change, but doing sure does. In this episode, you discovered the secret to quieting your Inner critic begins on the outside criticism, whether directed outward or inward. Why is your brain for stress our culture fuels your criticism, but you can choose connection instead and by using critic quit it. Notice, name and tame. Aim and reframe. You can begin taming your Inner critic on the outside, which opens the door to more gentleness on the inside. And that's exactly what we're gonna talk about on Thursday. Thanks for listening, and I'll be back on Thursday with more creating midlife calm.