Ep. 191 Empty Nest Messy Middle — Coping Skills to Support Your Kids and Reduce Midlife Anxiety and Stress

Do you feel like your nest is empty… but your kids still need you just as much?
You’re not alone — this “in-between” stage is one of the most emotionally confusing seasons of midlife.
In this episode, you’ll discover:

1. Why the empty nest often feels more like a “messy middle” than a clean break.
2. The Four D’s every parent needs to recognize — and how they shape your response.
3. Practical coping skills to help you update your role, set boundaries, and anchor yourself in your own life.

 Take 12 minutes to learn how to navigate the messy middle of parenting — you’re worth it.

****

About the Host:
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with more than 48,000 hours of therapy sessions and 31 years of experience teaching her Mental Wellness curriculum, Inner Challenge. Four years ago she overcame her fear of technology to create a podcast that integrated her vast clinical experience and practical wisdom of cultivating mental wellness using the latest information from neuroscience. MJ was Social Worker of the Year in 2011 for Region 2/IN.

Creating Midlife Calm is a podcast designed to guide you through the challenges of midlife, tackling issues like anxiety, low self-esteem, feeling unworthy, procrastination, and isolation, while offering strategies for improving relationships, family support, emotional wellbeing, mental wellness, and parenting, with a focus on mindfulness, stress management, coping skills, and personal growth to stop rumination, overthinking, and increase confidence through self-care, emotional healing, and mental health support.

Transcript

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW: 0:00

In this episode, you'll discover how to navigate the messy middle when your nest is empty, but your kids still need you. Welcome to Creating Midlife Calm, the podcast where you and I tackle stress and anxiety in midlife so you can stop feeling like crap, feel more present at home, and thrive at work. I'm MJ Murray Vachon a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with over 50,000 hours of therapy sessions and 32 years of teaching practical science-backed mental wellness. Welcome to the podcast. On Monday's episode, we explored savoring the empty nest, letting it be, rather than forcing yourself to let go before you're ready. We talked about how small moments of savoring can hold both the bitter and the sweet of your parenting journey. If you joined me, then you may remember your Inner Challenge to savor your nest in one small way. Maybe that meant sitting with your morning coffee and allowing feelings to come up without judgment or sitting quietly in your child's room holding space for the memories. This simple act of savoring can slow down and soften the urge to rush through this transition, which often can be full of lots of different emotions, One of my clients who struggles with a strong Inner critic, completed the journal prompt. My favorite part of raising my kids was she remembered the birthday parties she created with so much love and creativity. Instead of reflecting on what she did wrong, she savored what she did. Right. As you savor, your children are stepping into young adulthood, one of the most complicated and angst filled periods of life. That means your savoring is often interrupted by text or calls filled with overwhelm, confusion, or requests for help. While you're adjusting to the empty nest, they're adjusting to a new nest, one that feels unfamiliar and is full of new challenges. And who do they often turn to? U, this in between stage of parenting can feel like emotional whiplash. Your kids may be living elsewhere, but you are still getting texts, asking for advice, help with laundry, how to fill out insurance forms, and sometimes crisis calls about whether they should take their roommate to the er. After too much drinking, you're adjusting to more space and freedom, but you're still emotionally tethered and boundaries blur. You're no longer in charge, but you're still deeply connected. One of my favorite stories from this stage came from a friend whose college freshman texted her every weekend at midnight. Her daughter hated the party scene, but it was all her new dorm friends wanted to do. She'd text to her Mom, I hate this. What do I do? Of course, the mom replied, go back to your dorm and go to sleep. The daughter replied, I can't. I'm in college now. The mom replied, then why are you texting me? Her daughter replied because I am so unhappy in nearly four decades as a therapist, i've watched a major shift. Today's young adults often maintain a much deeper emotional connection with their parents. That closeness can be wonderful, but it takes a wise, intentional parent to navigate it well, especially during the messy middle. So if you are struggling with this, try this reflection. How much did you rely on your parents for emotional support once you left home? I've noticed that the less an empty nester relied on their own parents, the more disorienting this stage can feel. There's two big reasons for that. The clean break you were promised, or perhaps the one you experienced yourself doesn't match your reality now. And the second is many of today's young adults leave home with less real world independence, Making their learning. Much deeper layer On top of that, the unspoken expectations and the phone in their pocket, that allows for constant connection and you've got the perfect recipe for stress and anxiety. That expectation can come from your child, from yourself, or from others who expect you to always be on call. If there was ever a real life example, a Brene Brown's messy middle. This stage of parenting is it You're savoring your empty nest while one or more of your flock is still squawking. So let's look at some coping skills that can help keep your own nest peaceful while giving your child the space to build theirs coping skill number one. Update your role as a parent shift from hands-on manager to mentor or consultant. You have probably already started to do this in the high school years, but once a child leaves home, you need to up this skill to a whole new level. That means staying connected without stepping back into full-time parenting. Here's a practical tip. Let your kids be the ones to call you instead of you checking in on them daily. Not forever, but especially in those first few months, you might be missing them or feeling anxious after a late night text, but your role is to hold your own anxiety rather than seeking reassurance from them. I did this with both of my children and it was much harder than I expected. I had to consciously discipline myself to not call or even send a quick picture of the dog in those early months. They had so much to figure out, and my reaching out would've been more about soothing my own feelings than helping them grow. One of the beautiful things about working with so many college age students is that I have seen firsthand how a call from home, even a loving one, could make them suddenly homesick and disrupt their adjustment. Which leads to coping skill Number two, set clear boundaries first for yourself. Whether this is your first child in college or your most demanding one, boundaries are essential. Remember, in adolescence, we want our kids to learn to navigate the four Ds distress disappointment. Danger and discomfort. When your child calls home upset, pause and ask yourself, which d is this? Remember, your role is not to remove every discomfort. Your role is also to not allow them to add a 50, and that's dumping boundaries might include no calls during work hours no late night texts unless it's truly dangerous. After a few weekends of those late night texts, my friend finally had a direct conversation with her child. She said to her, no more calls in the middle of the night. You're living on college time. I'm on midlife time. It's worth remembering that the four D's don't include dumping. Your child is used to contacting you on their timeline when they lived at home, but part of your job now is to help them update that rhythm. When they do call, ask them what they need from you. Do you need support? My advice, as you probably know, most of the time they want support, which doesn't require 45 minutes of reassurance. Because the learning curve after a child leaves home is so steep. There tends to be a lot of avoidance, and that phone is the number one tool that helps them do it. So give them support, but don't let them go on and on wasting their valuable time talking about their disappointment, their discomfort, or their distress. You can help normalize their experience. Yes, it is hard, but you can figure it out. This approach encourages them to increase their ability to hold discomfort, disappointment and distress, a crucial skill for adulthood, An interesting fact about this stage is they will often call. When they're in distress, but not call when they're in danger. And that's an important conversation to have with them, that you are there for them when they are in danger. I remember a client of mine who had gone through sorority rush, she was inappropriately hazed. I asked her if she had told anyone. She looked at me and said, no, I guess I'm telling you now. Eventually, I said, why wouldn't you have reached out to your parents because this hazing put you in danger? And she said, I didn't wanna worry them. that moment perfectly encapsulates this age and stage. I helped her understand what to do when she was in danger, and I encourage you as a parent to do that with your children before they leave home. Which leads me to coping skill number three, the importance of staying anchored in your own life. Watching your child navigate, leaving home from a distance isn't always easy. You often hear more about the struggles than the successes, which can leave you feeling distressed and untethered. Remember, this is supposed to be hard. They're not doing anything wrong. It's a huge learning curve. One of the best ways to survive the messy middle is to stay in your lane. What do I mean when I say that? If you find yourself constantly thinking about your child sending weekly care packages or dropping by in person, you may be overstepping. Instead, do your own emotional work by processing what you're feeling. Remember name. Tame and aim. If you need a refresher on emotional regulation, check out episode six and seven. Using this approach will often help you calm down and shift to a clearer mental state, one where you remind yourself that this is your child's life. Not yours. Doing this often will bring you back to the present moment where you can focus on your own anchors, hobbies, friendships, projects, or long postponed dreams. This shift rebalances your energy toward building your own life where parenting is not so central, which of course. Leads us to one of the foundational experiences of the empty nest, coming to terms with what it means to be needed less. For some of you, this is a relief and not much of a struggle, but for others. It can sting to feel less needed. Parenting often shapes your sense of purpose, so stepping back is rarely simple. By naming the loss and recalling your own launch into adulthood, you can begin to turn down the need to be needed. Hold on to the best parts of your parents' example, and consciously avoid repeating what you didn't appreciate. Remember how thrilling it felt to step into more independence and authority in your own life. Today's close parent-child relationships can unintentionally chip away at that sense of ownership by being too involved. Over the years, I've heard many college students quietly wonder in my office how to tell their moms they want to decorate their rooms or apartments themself. While it can ache for a parent to step aside and let their child do the target run on their own, it's deeply empowering for young adults to make those choices, whether on their own or with their roommates in this episode. You've discovered how to navigate the in-between stage of the empty nest, the messy middle. When you're savoring more space, but still feeling the pull of your kids' needs. We've explored why this stage could feel so confusing and covered. Four coping skills to help you redefine your role, set boundaries, and anchor yourself in your own life. Remember, this is a process. It isn't done in a day. It isn't done in a week. It's actually done over a couple of years. Thanks for listening, and I'll be back on Monday with more creating midlife calm.