Ep. 190: Why the Empty Nest Triggers Unexpected Anxiety and Stress in Midlife- and How to Move Through It With Ease

Does your “empty nest” still feel full of emotions, memories, and a surprising amount of daily connection?
You’re not alone if this shift feels more complicated than you imagined.
In this episode, you’ll discover:

1.     Why the empty nest often brings unexpected waves of emotion in midlife

2.     How savoring your home can be a powerful coping skill during times of transition

3.     Practical ways to reduce the pressure to “let go” all at once and move forward at your own pace
 🎧 Take 10 minutes to create calm in your midlife transition—you’re worth it.

****

About the Host:
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with more than 48,000 hours of therapy sessions and 31 years of experience teaching her Mental Wellness curriculum, Inner Challenge. Four years ago she overcame her fear of technology to create a podcast that integrated her vast clinical experience and practical wisdom of cultivating mental wellness using the latest information from neuroscience. MJ was Social Worker of the Year in 2011 for Region 2/IN.

Creating Midlife Calm is a podcast designed to guide you through the challenges of midlife, tackling issues like anxiety, low self-esteem, feeling unworthy, procrastination, and isolation, while offering strategies for improving relationships, family support, emotional wellbeing, mental wellness, and parenting, with a focus on mindfulness, stress management, coping skills, and personal growth to stop rumination, overthinking, and increase confidence through self-care, emotional healing, and mental health support.

Transcript

0:06

In this episode, you'll discover how savoring your nest can make the empty nest transition easier.

M.J. Murray Vachon LCSW: 0:14

In this episode, you'll discover how savoring your nest can make the empty nest transition easier. Welcome to the podcast. I remember it like it was yesterday. I woke up, made coffee. Poured two cups steam rose. The house was quiet. I showered, got dressed for work and mindlessly opened my daughter's bedroom door. The bed was made. Oh my God, the nest is clean. She really is gone. I took a deep breath, felt my, felt my eyes well up, and wondered how could I have forgotten the emotional drop off less than 24 hours earlier. Smack in the middle of menopause, a hot flash swept over me. I sat down and said quietly to myself, I am an empty nester. How did this happen? Where did the years go so fast? And what does it mean? In this episode, you'll discover why cultural stories about the emptiness. Don't tell the whole truth. How savoring your nest can transform your experience. And one simple coping skill you can use today to feel more grounded in this. And one simple coping skill you can use today. And one simple coping skill you can use today to feel more grounded in this new place you find yourself. Our culture gives. Our culture gives you two extremes. Extreme one, you're free when your children leave home. Our culture often gives you two extremes. Extreme number one, you're free to fly. Now, finally, able to travel, reinvent yourself and focus solely on you. Extreme number two. You're supposed to feel deeply sad and adrift, maybe even depressed because your kids are gone. But for most people, the truth is somewhere in the middle, you might feel pride, relief, sadness, excitement, anxiety, and stress. Sometimes all in the same day. Actually, sometimes in the same hour, you may not be ready to leap into a brand new identity. But you also don't wanna get stuck in the loss. One of my favorite empty nest stories came from a mom whose last child had been, let's say, challenging. You know, the kind that keeps you up at night for months in therapy. She counted the days down until he left home so she could finally get a break for months in therapy. She counted down the days until he left home so she could finally get a break. Two weeks after he moved out, she came into my office and said, I don't think I realized that as much as he worried us, he also made us laugh like crazy. I miss his humor so much. That's the truth. As much as your teens can keep you up at night. They can also fill your heart, your days and your social life. Another dad I hadn't seen in years called to ask for an appointment. He came in and he asked me this simple question, is it weird if I keep helping with the high school band after my son is graduated? Is it weird if I keep helping with the high school band after my son has graduated? It is easy to think you'll be fine, but when you're, it's easy to think you'll be fine, but when your last child is left home, this is where the emotional work begins. Becoming an empty nester is becoming an empty nester is a big deal. Recently I saw on a reel on Instagram. No. Recently I saw a reel on Instagram from life coach Marta Brummel. Recently I saw a reel on Instagram from life coach Marta Brummel. She was talking about emotional regulation and suggested letting it be instead of trying to immediately let it go, she had the Beatles music in the background. It was really quite lovely. Her point was powerful. You don't have to rush to release every uncomfortable feeling. Sometimes simply letting it be, or as I like to say, savoring your nest is the healthier, more sustainable choice. During a huge trend, sometimes simply letting it be, or this time in your life savoring your nest is the healthier, more sustainable choice instead of rushing to fill your schedule, reinvent yourself or shut down your feelings, or shut down your feelings, you can take a breath and savor your nest exactly as it is. That space creates room for clarity and calm to emerge. That space creates room for clarity and calm to emerge on their own. One of my clients created a ritual when her fourth and last child left home once a week. She and her husband would have a drink after work and sit in a different room in their house. They shared memories from that space. The impossible task of potty training. Yes, they sat in the bathrooms, the laughter around family dinners, and even a surprise discovery of a six pack and even a surprise discovery of a six pack of and even a surprise discovery of a six pack of beer hidden in a basement closet. This is savoring your nest. Not flying from it or sinking into sadness, but honoring the life you built. Yes, you can savor your empty nest. Parenting is hard work. Parenting is good work. It deserves to be honored before you rush ahead. And just because your children leave home, your parenting doesn't end. But it does need to change. Reflection like this helps you make the TRA reflection like this savoring a form of reflection. Like this. Savoring is a form of reflection. It helps you make the transition as your child steps more and more into their own world. Taking time in those early, taking time in these early months to reflect, savor, and acknowledge all you've learned, grown and given is not just satisfying. It's essential for moving authentically into the next phase of life. I still miss my kids. Not their messy rooms or their adolescent angst, but the energy, purpose and direction they gave my days. The automatic community that comes with raising children, unlike some of my closest friends, my kids live far away. That's an ache I've learned to carry and even cherish because I truly like the adults they've become. Now, here's another truth. In the years since they've left, I've grown to love this stage. Our culture calls the empty nest, but that love didn't happen overnight. It's been a process, and I want to advocate that it begins with savoring, not emptying. Think about all the messages you hear as an empty nester. Redesign your home office, sell the house. Start a career, travel more. But what if instead of rushing into those changes, you simply stayed in the nest for a while and savored it? Savor the photos on the wall. Sit at the kitchen table and remember the meals shared there. Notice the quiet mornings and the absence of backpacks by the door not to erase the past. But to honor it, have a few good cries. It took a lot to get your family to this point. And what if you got brave enough to savor what you regret? I regret not taking more vacations when our kids were teens and there's, I regret not taking more vacations when our kids were teens and school activities ruled our schedule. We all have regrets and savoring them can hurt, but holding that can help us learn important lessons and even lead to repairs. One of my clients came to therapy after his last child left home. His divorce had been messy, and he admitted he'd been a jerk. His words not mine. As he sat with this, with no ball games to attend, he. As he sat with this with no ball games to attend, he clearly saw what his temp he, he saw clearly what his temper had put his kids through. He wrote them letters of apology. Their responses were healing, but one child added something that kept him in therapy for months. I would love it if you would apologize to mom. You put her through a lot of unnecessary pain and we all have 30 or four and we all have about 30 or 40 years left together. Savoring can be bitter and sweet, but it is never empty. That's the paradox of this stage. It holds both the ache and abundance. Slowing down like this, slowing down like this helps ease stress and anxiety because you're not forcing an immediate next chapter. You're actually writing the conclusion and doing important Inner work that acknowledges your life has shifted in a big way, and that shift deserves to be felt before it's reimagined. The truth is, I still miss my kids. And maybe like Marta and yes, like The Beatles, I can still remind myself, let it be, or better yet, savor Your Nest. Your Inner Challenge for this week is to practice savoring your nest in one small way. Sit with your morning coffee and let yourself feel whatever comes up without judgment. Simply tell yourself it's okay to savor this moment. Sit in your child's room and savor your memories. Hold the bitter and the sweet. Notice how giving yourself permission to savor changes your stress and notice how giving yourself permission to be to savor these changes reduces your stress and anxiety levels. In this episode, you discovered that cultural messages about emptiness often missed. In this episode, you discovered that cultural messages about the E empty nest, about the empty nest often miss the middle ground. That savoring your nest can help you honor what you've built and that in time and that in time and in your own way, you can move to life's next stage more authentically and holy. This. Is a powerful coping skill for midlife. On Thursday, we'll go deeper into how savoring your Nest first makes letting go easier. On Thursday, we'll go deeper into how savoring your Nest can make letting go easier, and I'll share practical coping skills. On Thursday, we'll talk about the messy middle. When your nest is empty, but your flock still needs you, I invite you to share this episode with your friends who are also going through this. SI invite you to share this episode. I invite you to share this episode with one or two friends who are also experiencing the empty nest or even have a, or even get your friends together and listen to it and share your experience of being in this important life stage. Thanks for listening, and I'll be back on Thursday with more creating midlife Calm.