Ep. 172 Building Bridges to Ease Midlife Loneliness and Holiday Anxiety

Have you ever felt unexpectedly lonely on holidays like the 4th of July?
You’re not failing—your midlife may simply be calling you to build a new bridge and make an update.

In this episode, you'll discover:

1. Why midlife loneliness is more common than you think
2. One powerful mindset shift to help you move from isolation to interdependence
3. A practical framework to help you reconnect with loved ones—with energy, purpose, and ease

🎧 You are not alone. You may just need a new way to build back connection—one breath, one reach, one invitation at a time.

Want the BRIDGE Framework one-pager?
📩 Email me at mj@mjmurrayvachon.com and I’ll send it your way.

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About the Host:
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with more than 48,000 hours of therapy sessions and 31 years of experience teaching her Mental Wellness curriculum, Inner Challenge. Four years ago she overcame her fear of technology to create a podcast that integrated her vast clinical experience and practical wisdom of cultivating mental wellness using the latest information from neuroscience. MJ was Social Worker of the Year in 2011 for Region 2/IN.

Creating Midlife Calm is a podcast designed to guide you through the challenges of midlife, tackling issues like anxiety, low self-esteem, feeling unworthy, procrastination, and isolation, while offering strategies for improving relationships, family support, emotional wellbeing, mental wellness, and parenting, with a focus on mindfulness, stress management, coping skills, and personal growth to stop rumination, overthinking, and increase confidence through self-care, emotional healing, and mental health support.

Transcript

M.J. Murray Vachon LCSW: 0:00

In this episode, you'll discover how to build a bridge out of your loneliness. Welcome to Creating Midlife Calm, a podcast dedicated to empowering midlife minds to overcome anxiety, stop feeling like crap and become more present with your family, all while achieving greater success at work. I'm MJ Murray Vachon, a licensed clinical social worker with over 48, 000 hours of therapy sessions and 31 years of experience teaching mental wellness. Welcome to the podcast. Have you ever felt a surprising wave of loneliness on a holiday? If you felt that quiet ache, you're not alone. In our last episode, we explored why the 4th of July or any holiday can feel unexpectedly lonely in midlife, and how our cultures focus on self-awareness when disconnected from deeper values and relationships may actually be fueling your loneliness. If you haven't listened to episode 1 71, I invite you to do so. That's where I introduced the concept of selfspection, a new way of reflecting that connects self-awareness with purpose, values, and belonging, as I like to say, self spec, right sizes your I helping you move beyond the rigid capital letter version of yourself into a lowercase italicized i a self that is flexible, adaptive, connecting, relational, and uniquely you. In this episode, you'll discover how to reframe midlife loneliness as a call to update not a personal flaw, and you'll learn to use the bridge framework to take small but meaningful steps towards reconnection and re-energizing yourself. If you'd like a one pager to help guide this process, just email me mj@mjmurrayvachon.com I'd be happy to send this to you. Before we dive in, let's revisit Monday's inner challenge. I invited you to reflect on whether you've stepped away from people or communities simply because they don't perfectly align with your values at this point in midlife. If your answer was maybe, or absolutely, you're in the right place. Today's episode will help you take action from that insight. Let me begin with coping skill number one, reframe loneliness as an update, not a flaw. Midlife loneliness can sneak up on you. Just the other day, one of my clients had this brave insight. I just realized that when my son gets his driver's license, I'm gonna have an enormous void in my life between work home and his activities. Her days were full. But what happens when that changes? Another client who runs a home-based business, said to me. My whole life exists between these four walls, and I find myself really lonely and longing to connect with others. Let me be clear. If you feel this way, you're not a failure. Quite the opposite. You're a midlifer balancing a lot, and that often means putting your social life last. Many of the social structures that once gave you natural connection, offices, neighborhoods, churches, extended family have shifted or disappeared. So if you feel alone while doing everything right. You aren't alone. loneliness feels awful. It comes with tough thoughts and behaviors. No one really knows me. Where's the ice cream? Or I'll drink wine and watch a movie. Then there's doom scrolling, feeling briefly connected, but empty once you put the phone down. Loneliness can be a vortex or a springboard. Going down is easier. But when you reframe loneliness as a signal, not a sentence, you give yourself permission to lean in to an update. So let me share with you coping skill number two. Build a bridge. Years ago, I worked with a client who had just retired early from a demanding 60 hour a week career. She didn't have children, and her husband was happily introverted and deeply into his computer. She came to therapy mildly depressed, and I quickly saw that loneliness was at the root. She had artistic talent and could have spent her days drawing and painting, but that wouldn't have eased her loneliness. She'd be busy, but still alone. That's when I introduced her to self. The practice of using your midlife self-awareness and pairing it with your deeper values, your introspection to build a bridge toward connection. And here's the key. Most bridges in your life were built for you by school, work, parenting, or church. This bridge is built by you. Let's begin. Ask yourself this. Who are three people you'd like to connect with? What are three activities you'd like to try? Where are three places you'd consider volunteering? What are three values you want to live out more? That gives you 12 possibilities. Now let's walk through the bridge framework beginning with B. Breathe and notice what energizes you. Take a breath and look at your list. What brings a small spark of energy? Not fireworks, just a flicker of life. One client felt pulled toward the value of learning and taking a class. Another remembered a neighbor she hadn't spoken to in years. Trust what surfaces. Let your body lead, not just your mind. R, reach out. This is the hard part because loneliness whispers reasons why you shouldn't. And your anxiety can cause you to have catastrophic thoughts about what would happen if you would reach out. Be brave and reach out. Maybe you've tried before and it didn't work, but use your midlife grit. Try again. The client who wanted to take a class told me she couldn't afford tuition and she didn't wanna sit next to a bunch of 20 year olds. I introduced her to forever learning a program for people over 50. Another client texted her old neighbor, wanna grab coffee sometime? Easy, brave human, which leads us to, I. Invite. Don't wait. Be the one to initiate. One small invitation is enough. My client's text was met with a reply. I'd love to, but life is crazy right now. Maybe in a couple years it crushed her. She spiraled. I shouldn't have done it. I knew I shouldn't have done it. How embarrassing. But reaching out, no matter, the outcome is still progress. Which brings us to the next step. Dee, don't overthink. I asked her, would you have said something similar three years ago when your life was packed with teens and work? Probably her neighbor said, I'm busy, but she heard I don't matter. Overthinking makes it about you. Don't. You've got 12 possibilities. Return to your list. She did. And there were two ideas that stood out. One Ride a horse, another volunteer at Reins of Life, a local therapeutic riding center. That felt less risky, so she signed up and that brings us to G Give without keeping score. My client didn't wanna over commit. She just wanted to connect. Once a week, she showed up and led horses, the joy and bravery of the children. She helped energized her in ways she hadn't expected. Volunteering is a powerful antidote to loneliness. You give without expecting anything in return, and in that giving something shifts, one child squealed with joy every time she arrived. My other client who stuck through her first class, which was okay, found her groove second semester, and a few years later, she and four classmates pick a new course each term and follow it up with lunch. Which leads us to the last connector in your bridge. Engage gently. After a year of volunteering, that same client felt a nudge to ride again. Her inner critic said, you are too old to get on a horse. But she found a class called Back in the Saddle again. She joined. She loved it. Engage gently. Be present, not perfect. Let yourself grow in new ways you haven't imagined. To be honest, I hate that you have to work this hard to build a bridge out of loneliness. It's not your fault, you're not doing anything wrong. It's that our old social structures aren't there, like they once were. Here are some things my other clients have done. Join the Library Book Club. Start a regular meal with friends. Volunteer at the local Y. Try a new hobby with their partner. Connect with cousins. Explore online groups like grateful gatherings. Go back to church. Babysit for neighbors and rock babies at the hospital. Trust whatever surfaces. Building bridges with others starts with building a bridge within yourself, which leads me to my last coping skill and actually one of my favorite things to do. Reconnect through a gratitude walk, go through one day and notice every person who makes your life better. It may sound cheesy. But it works. Yesterday, my husband was out of town and I tried it. I woke up in the morning and I read the paper and I thought of all the people who helped produce it. I watched the show Four Seasons on Netflix and laughed. So grateful for Tina Faye, God, I just love her At the store. I chatted with someone about all the creamer options, a bit mind boggling if you want my opinion. Then at checkout, the clerk asked for my ID for wine and we both laughed. It's small, but it adds up. Our phone has unintentionally taught us to go through our day with tunnel vision. Build a bridge throughout your day and notice the people who help you be grateful for the small things that they do that allow your day to operate. Gratitude takes the alone out of lonely. In this episode, you discovered how midlife loneliness is a call to update, not a sign that something's wrong with you. You learned how self spectrum, the practice of linking self-awareness to your values and relationships can guide you back to belonging. You explored the bridge framework with practical steps for building connection. One breath, one, reach, one invitation at a time. And finally, you're invited to try a gratitude walk to gently shift your perspective and reconnect the life around you with a spirit. Of gratefulness. You are not alone. When you start to look at your life through this lens, you'll walk into Independence Day with a renewed sense of interdependence. So have a meaningful fourth. Build a bridge. Go to the parade, watch the fireworks. Invite someone to the beach or the ballpark. And if you'd like that one pager, I'm building a bridge, email me. mj@mjmurrayvachon.com and if this episode resonated with you, consider sharing it with someone who might be walking through the same kind of quiet disconnection. Thanks for listening. And I'll be back on Monday with creating midlife calm, where we're building bridges. Back to connection. One breath at a time.