Ep. 167 Anxious About Aging in Midlife and 3 Coping Skills to Reset Your Mindset

Are you worried that aging in midlife means becoming less relevant, less energetic, or less you?
You don’t have to accept that mindset—this episode gives you the tools to reshape it.
In this episode, you’ll discover:

1. How to identify and challenge the negative beliefs midlife can quietly plant in your mind
2. Why your emotional, social, and mental habits matter just as much as your physical ones when it comes to aging well
3. Three science-backed coping skills to help you stay connected, mentally clear, and open to growth—no matter your age

Press play to reset how you think about aging and start designing your next chapter with purpose

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About the Host:
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with more than 48,000 hours of therapy sessions and 31 years of experience teaching her Mental Wellness curriculum, Inner Challenge. Four years ago she overcame her fear of technology to create a podcast that integrated her vast clinical experience and practical wisdom of cultivating mental wellness using the latest information from neuroscience. MJ was Social Worker of the Year in 2011 for Region 2/IN.

Creating Midlife Calm is a podcast designed to guide you through the challenges of midlife, tackling issues like anxiety, low self-esteem, feeling unworthy, procrastination, and isolation, while offering strategies for improving relationships, family support, emotional wellbeing, mental wellness, and parenting, with a focus on mindfulness, stress management, coping skills, and personal growth to stop rumination, overthinking, and increase confidence through self-care, emotional healing, and mental health support.

Transcript

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW: 0:00

In this episode, you'll discover how your midlife mindset can fuel your coping skills and calm your anxiety about aging.

Built-in Microphone: 0:09

Welcome to Creating Midlife Calm, a podcast dedicated to empowering midlife minds to overcome anxiety, stop feeling like crap and become more present with your family, all while achieving greater success at work. I'm MJ Murray Vachon, a licensed clinical social worker with over 48, 000 hours of therapy sessions and 31 years of experience teaching mental wellness.

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW: 0:33

Welcome to the podcast. In episode 163, I held the first ever midlife graduation. It was great. No white dresses. Easy peasy. 12 minutes you're in, you're out. If you missed it, check it out. We would love to have had you join us. This episode is kind of a follow up because we're gonna talk about becoming aware of the sneaky mindset that begins to take root in midlife. It's what I call the I'm not mindset, and you could fill in the blank a thousand ways. I'm not needed. I'm not in shape. I'm not relevant anymore. I'm not where I wanna be career wise. And I'm 55 and the list goes on and on and on. To help shift that mindset, I'm gonna walk you through the emotional challenges of aging, and three coping skills that can move your mindset from, I'm not to, I want to. In this episode, you'll discover how to lean into midlife so aging becomes something you can look forward to. How to take charge of your aging mindset rather than feeling like the victim. And three, coping skills, strong relationships, reclaiming your attention, and learning through change that will help you age with clarity and purpose. Midlife sneaks up on all of us. Let's be honest, maybe it starts with needing cheaters. You know those reading glasses many of us get when we can't read the fine print? Maybe like me, it was when a sports doc told me at 52, Hey mj, your body was designed to work well for 47 years. You are living on borrowed time. Ouch. That hurt. So did my knee. Today. I don't wanna talk about your aging body'cause I think there's so much information out there. I wanna talk about your aging mindset. Your brain runs your body, your mind creates your mindset and to age well, you need to tend to your mind or it'll get sucked into the culture's Worship of youth. Let me tell you a story. In my fifties. I was in a book group with mostly therapists in their thirties and forties. The clinical case that we are talking about led to a conversation about pot. This was before we had the newer research on pot's long-term effects. I said to the group in my clinical experience, pot helps at first, but daily use becomes harmful. A younger therapist looked at me and she said, you probably only think that'cause you're old. This was the first time someone called me old, and honestly it pissed me off. But that's our culture. If we want a healthier mindset about aging, that's where we have to start. Our Culture tells us that being young is where it's at, and being old is being old. I doubt anytime soon we're gonna become like the East Asian culture. where aging is seen as a rise in status and elders are honored for their wisdom. So today on the podcast, I want to encourage you to really think about what your mindset is when it comes to aging. Let's try with a simple fill in the blank. When I think about aging, I. I have asked this question to many midlife clients, and I've heard everything from tears, denial, and fear. 10 years ago, I would've said, aging seems far away. My kids were at home, my parents were alive, but now, no kids at home, no parents. And the answer that surprised me a few years ago when I asked myself this question was, I'm almost done, but am I. Are you? Probably not. Now try this one. When I think about aging, I want to when I ask clients this, they Often say things like, I don't wanna be like my mom. I don't wanna always be focused on my aches and pains. I don't wanna be boring. I don't wanna be alone. Are you noticing how often you define aging by what you don't want? Not what you do want. Why is that? I think it's'cause the first half of life is about accumulating. Think about it. We accumulate degrees, we accumulate houses, we accumulate children, we accumulate pets. And the second half of life. About letting go and most of that letting go isn't voluntary. There goes the eyesight, there goes the promotion. There goes the parenting. There goes being someone else's child. We enter midlife with a full cup, but we can end up drained unless we shift our mindset. So ask yourself. How do you want to age? Not just physically, though, that is important, but emotionally, socially, mentally, and perhaps most importantly as a contributor. Just like your daily exercise affects your 85-year-old body, your mental, emotional and contributor habits today shape your future self., In her wonderful book, composing My Life cultural anthropologist. Katherine Bateson has a name for this stage. She calls it adulthood two. It's not just an extension of midlife. It's actually a whole new chapter. A chapter that we do well to give a little bit of attention to as we are cranking our way through midlife. Adulthood two is a time when we're no longer driven by ambition or survival, but by reflection, purpose and contribution. She calls it a phase of active wisdom. It's when we once again get to answer the question. Who am I now? Now that I've lived all these decades, now that I have all this experience, now that I have a little lighter load to carry. But this time the cultural scripts aren't so clear, ask yourself, what might your adulthood to be like? Will it be the second act of your current story or the first act of something new? What would it mean to live with active wisdom instead of just letting your years roll by and doing what everybody else is doing? Active wisdom is taking what you know and sharing it, and I don't mean you have to share it in some huge, worldwide influencer way. What I mean is a way that makes you excited to get up every morning or at least four mornings a week and contribute to those around you. As you age, I want you to feel vital, engaged, and purposeful. I. If you want a great example of this check out episode 68. One day I was at the library and I ran into this interesting man and we taped an episode about how he was entering retirement. It is such a great episode. One of the challenges of this life stage is you are creating it with limits that you are quite aware of. May they be physical, financial, or time. But what research tells us is as we age, there are three things that we can do that will not only help us age better, but help us figure out how we want to still be an active contributor day in and day out of our life. Because if you'll look at the demographics, the country is still gonna need all the talent and wisdom that Midlifers have to offer. Let me share with you three coping skills that I think will help you cultivate a mindset about aging that isn't being put out to pasture, but rather being someone still inside the fence, doing good things. A bit more on your own terms. Coping skill. Number one, review your friendships. The secret to aging well is not Botox. It's your relationships. I strongly encourage you to think about your closest relationships and ask yourself, am I a good friend? How do I show up for my spouse? Do I listen? Do we laugh? Instead of asking what your friends and family can do for you, take some time to focus on what you bring to them. I have a 94-year-old friend who has more friends than anyone I have ever known. What's her secret? Curiosity. She is endlessly curious about the people in her life. She's an incredible listener and asks such good questions. for most of us, curiosity is. Beaten out of us by second or third grade. But in midlife with the wisdom and the experience you have, you can slow things down, take some time, and really ask the people that you care about the most questions about their day-to-day life. This has almost become a lost art, but this good friend of mine has shown me how valuable it has been. In our relationship, and I really encourage you to think about doing this with those that you love the most coping skill. Number two, take back your mind. You may not know it, but we live in an attention economy. What does that mean? it means that most of our profits at this point are being derived from different things taking your attention. Yes. In short, your brain and my brain is being hijacked. I'm pretty sure US midlifers are not gonna change the economic system of the United States of America, but what we can do. Change our mind. And in order to do that, I wanna have a one woman campaign to bring back silence. I don't mean silence 24 7, I just mean silence every day here and there. I wanna encourage you to find time for silence For you. it might be driving in your car. No podcasts, no music. Perhaps when you walk, you leave your earbuds at home or maybe in the morning instead of going to your phone, you listen to the emptiness and the stillness all around you until, of course your kids wake up. If you want to cultivate a healthier mindset, you need to have access to your mind, and the only way to do that is to be able to hear your thoughts again. The more you do this, the more you'll be able to direct your thoughts to where you want them to go, not where that TV in the restaurant wants them to go. Midlife is the perfect time to reclaim your focus and is really essential if you want to age in a way where you are in touch with what's going on inside of you, Not tethered to all of that out there. Knowing what's going on inside of you will help you answer the question, what do I want and Who am I now? in a more authentic, honest, and invigorating way? Coping skill. Number three, embrace change by learning. Let me share a quick story. We were out to dinner recently with a friend of ours who had recently retired. He had had it. He was done with his job. He sat at the table and he said, I don't want any more change. I'm sick of all the change. I'm retired and I want everything to stay the same. We all laughed, and to be honest, I think we all understood where he was coming from., But I also know for retirement, that will not be the gift he gets. Because change, it's the one thing we can count on. Midlife requires letting go, but it doesn't mean falling into a void. It's a path you get to design if you're willing to learn the antidote to change. Learning. One of the interesting things about being a therapist is I work with people in the whole lifespan I have clients in their mid eighties who are quite adept at technology, and I have clients in their mid seventies who can't even turn on an iPhone. What kind of aging person do you wanna be? Are you going to be a person who continues to learn, continues to change? I sure hope so. If part of your aging mindset is, I am a learner, you are gonna learn how to support a struggling child. You're gonna learn how to manage a new health issue. You're gonna learn how to pivot in your work or perhaps repackage it post-retirement in a way that gives you meaning. Watch the people around you who are aging well. Take them to lunch. Ask them to share with you their secrets of life. I have done that numerous times, and it is so rewarding, not just for me, but for them. So, dance with change by becoming a student of life. You don't need to have your mindset all figured out by the end of this podcast, all I wanted to do was point you in the direction. Because it's really easy in our culture to have your mindset be, I'm not, and I want you, as you move through the days and the weeks to nurture your mindset In this episode, you've discovered how midlife can become a new chapter for reflection. Purpose and personal growth. How shifting your mindset can help you embrace aging with clarity and intention. And three, practical coping skills to build stronger relationships, reclaim your focus and stay open to learning as you age. Your inner challenge this week is to observe. People you know and how they age. Take note of what they're doing well that you hope to emulate. Take note of where their struggles are that you hope to avoid. In your car by yourself with no music on, allow yourself to reflect on what you're observing. It's about noticing what you believe and choosing how you would like to grow. I'll be back on Thursday with a follow-up episode about coming to terms with disappointments that can't be changed in midlife. Thanks for listening to creating Midlife Calm.