Ep. 159 Why So Many Adult Children Aren’t Launching & How Midlife Parents Can Reduce Their Anxiety

Are you feeling anxious about your adult child who just isn’t launching?
You’re not alone—and you’re definitely not a bad parent.

In this episode, you’ll discover:

1.  Why today’s young adults are facing a drastically different—and harder—world than previous generations

2.  How phones, cannabis, and constant cultural pessimism are impacting motivation and mental health

3.  What you can do to move from guilt and frustration to calm, clarity, and more effective support

🎧 Listen now this episode will help you see the bigger picture and reclaim a sense of power and peace—no matter where your child is on their journey.

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About the Host:
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with more than 48,000 hours of therapy sessions and 31 years of experience teaching her Mental Wellness curriculum, Inner Challenge. Four years ago she overcame her fear of technology to create a podcast that integrated her vast clinical experience and practical wisdom of cultivating mental wellness using the latest information from neuroscience. MJ was Social Worker of the Year in 2011 for Region 2/IN.

Creating Midlife Calm is a podcast designed to guide you through the challenges of midlife, tackling issues like anxiety, low self-esteem, feeling unworthy, procrastination, and isolation, while offering strategies for improving relationships, family support, emotional wellbeing, mental wellness, and parenting, with a focus on mindfulness, stress management, coping skills, and personal growth to stop rumination, overthinking, and increase confidence through self-care, emotional healing, and mental health support.

Transcript

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW: 0:00

In this episode, you'll discover why your child struggling to launch isn't a sign that you failed as a parent. Welcome to Creating Midlife Calm, a podcast dedicated to empowering midlife minds to overcome anxiety, stop feeling like crap and become more present with your family, all while achieving greater success at work. I'm MJ Murray Vachon, a licensed clinical social worker with over 48, 000 hours of therapy sessions and 31 years of experience teaching mental wellness. Welcome to the podcast. Let me share with you an email that I got from a listener. My adult child is struggling and all I can do is offer support. You said it's a tough time for young people and that really hit home. My child feels like they'll always be working just to get by with little hope of ever becoming financially independent. They're not very self-motivated, and a bachelor's degree hasn't led to a decent job. I want them to get it together, but I also know they're on their own path. I feel powerless. Are you in this boat? From where I sit, it's overcrowded with loving, thoughtful parents trying to make sense of their children's situation. In this episode, you'll discover why so many adult children are struggling to launch and how understanding the why can bring midlife parents more calm, insight and compassion. On Thursday, I'll share practical strategies you can use, not just for your child's benefit, but to support your own wellbeing. As always, I'll end this episode with an inner challenge to help reduce your anxiety, worry, and sense of helplessness. You may feel alone, but you're not. One of the most common and emotionally exhausting themes I hear from midlife clients and friends is watching their grown child feel stuck living at home, unemployed or underemployed, drifting without direction or drive. You may be asking, did I do something wrong? Did I enable this? Why can't they just take the next step? You might feel guilty, frustrated, angry, or even resentful that your midlife years are being disrupted by these worries. But let's zoom out. According to Pew Research and the US Census Bureau, nearly one in four adults, age 25 to 34 now live with their parents. A number that's steadily risen over the past two decades. Why? Because today's 25 year olds have lived through nine 11, the iPhone revolution, the 2008 housing crash, a pandemic, two Trump presidencies, and now the beginning of an AI revolution, two of these events would reshape a generation. They have had eight. The world your child is entering is fundamentally different than the one you stepped into. Housing costs have soared, wages haven't kept pace. Student loan debt is crushing and many of the clear job ladders you may have relied on have collapsed. The pathway forward for your child is not clear. It's not defined, and it is not easy. When we were young, landing a job with benefits and a path forward, I. Even right out of high school wasn't unusual. One of my high school classmates who finished near the bottom of the class went into sales and is now doing incredibly well. A few years ago, he told me I would never get hired today. The internet has changed everything. My strength connecting with people doesn't really count so much anymore. Back in the good old days, no one asked if a job came with insurance. It just did. That's your first takeaway. The job market today is nothing like it was when you launched into it. Today, most companies want specialized candidates ready to perform on day one, and if a young person didn't complete the right internships they can find themselves lost and excluded. As one of my young clients said to me, I just wanna be part of the rat race, but I can't figure out how to get in the maze. Even applying for a job now often means working with a resume expert who understands SEO, tailoring each application to match keywords, and that's before networking or connections even come to play. Every week. I hear the same thing from my clients. I want stable work. I want a job that gives me training and a future, and that's coming from people with no degrees as well as people with advanced degrees. If this sounds foreign, it may mean your corner of the economy has been insulated. That is wonderful. But for many, there are fewer real pathways. As parents, we need to understand how this world has changed and we need to stop asking, what did I do wrong? And start asking, how can I support my child without blaming them? Without losing myself in the process. On top of this, today's 24 7 news cycle constantly broadcast the message that America is broken, that hopelessness seeps in. Let me share a story. When I was running my inner challenge program in a local middle school one year, I was warned that the incoming sixth graders were tough. They were difficult. The first day they lived up to the hype, but I met their resistance with surprise, and I praised every small effort. Week after week, I focused on their strengths. By the end of the year, they asked me, are we your best inner challenge class ever? My point, today's young people have grown up in a culture where from both sides of the aisle, the message has been, nothing works. America is broken. If you're 45, 50, or 70, you've seen the country overcome challenges. If you're 25, nearly half your life has been dominated by messages that inspire hopelessness. So what do young people do? Many turn to the two national pastimes that offer instant relief. Their phones and pot. Yes, cannabis. The average young adult spends six to seven hours a day on their phone. Social media, gaming apps and porn are designed to create endless dopamine loops. This isn't laziness, it's neurobiology. Think about how hard it is for you to manage your phone. It's doubly hard for young people. Constant stimulation makes ordinary tasks like applying for jobs, cleaning, or returning calls feel draining or stressful. A few weeks ago, one of my clients in her mid twenties came in very anxious. Her part-time job wanted her to take a certification exam, and she was freaking out. She said, I should study, but I'm too scared to fail. but If I pass, they'll promote me to full-time with insurance. The first thing we did was look at her phone usage. Seven and a half hours a day and her sleep six hours a night, often staying up on TikTok. I explained to her that fear of failure is normal, but with that much screen time and poor sleep, her anxiety is being fueled by lifestyle as much as the test itself. I asked her for the next two weeks before the test if she would be willing to adjust her phone use, go to the library and study and see what happens. The first day she did this, she texted me, oh my God, I actually studied for two hours. Two weeks later, she passed the test and learned what all of us learned in our twenties, how to manage her time a bit better, though we didn't have the phone to contend with. Now let's talk about cannabis or weed or pot or whatever it's called in your household. It's legal in many states. Often it's used to unwind or connect socially, just like alcohol in your youth. But young adults are turning to it more frequently and often without guidance. Cannabis use often starts as a short-term solution, but over time tolerance builds. what was occasional, and social becomes chronic. I. And chronic use is more than once a week, We know that chronic use can lower motivation, worsen mood, and increase anxiety. If you wanna deeper dive on this, listen to episode 1 57 where I explore how cannabis can quietly worsen anxiety, drive disconnection, and lower initiative. Today I'm sharing what young people are teaching me. They want purpose, security, and connection just like you do. But it's important for you to understand that the world they're launching into is very different than the one that you launched into. One of the best pieces of parenting advice I ever got was for my longtime business partner's husband. Their kids are a decade older than mine, and I asked, what should I expect when my kids hit their twenties? He said, they'll need you until they're 30. That was 14 years ago, and he was right. It used to be you left home at 18 with a suitcase and a dream for many that's no longer the norm. If your child isn't launching, please tune in on Thursday for strategies that just might make a difference, not only for you, but for your child. Your inner challenge this week is to let go of your shame story. Your child not launching isn't a personal failure. It's not your child's either. It's a cultural, economic, and neurological storm that many families are trying to navigate. Simply notice your thoughts and emotions about what I've shared. Are you thinking, Hey, mj, you are just making excuses. They just need to buck up. Or is your heart softening, allowing you to see your child with more compassion and understanding? Get curious instead of critical. That shift from judgment to curiosity will help you show up stronger and more supportive. So be sure to join me on Thursday when we'll explore how to support without enabling. If you know other midlife parents going through this, please forward the episode to them. Thanks for listening to creating Midlife Calm.