Ep. 160 5 Easily Doable Coping Skills for Stressed Midlife Parents When Their Adult Child Feels Stuck

Are you caught between wanting to help your adult child and drowning in anxiety because nothing seems to change?
There’s a way to support them without losing yourself.

In this episode, you’ll discover:

1. How to shift into a steady mindset that protects your peace — and gives your child the space they need to build confidence and resilience.
2. How to set clear, loving boundaries around finances, home life, and expectations — helping your child develop responsibility and independence.
3. How to recognize and address overuse and addiction issues with calm honesty — creating an environment where real healing and progress can begin.

🎧 Listen now to start building doable coping skills you need to ease anxiety, stay grounded, and support your adult child’s growth without enabling.

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About the Host: 

MJ Murray Vachon, LCSW, is a seasoned clinician, educator, and host of the podcast Creating Midlife Calm, recognized by Maria Shriver as a “Listen of the Week.” Over the past 40 years, MJ has led more than 50,000 therapy sessions and developed the Inner Challenge mental wellness program and the Inner Challenge Master Class, practical tools for emotional regulation, self-awareness, and resilience taught for more than 30 years in junior high schools and at the University of Notre Dame for freshman football players. Through her podcast, teaching, and coaching, MJ helps people build calmer lives, stronger relationships, and healthier communities.

Creating Midlife Calm is a podcast designed to guide you through the challenges of midlife, tackling issues like anxiety, low self-esteem, feeling unworthy, procrastination, and isolation, while offering strategies for improving relationships, family support, emotional wellbeing, mental wellness, and parenting, with a focus on mindfulness, stress management, coping skills, and personal growth to stop rumination, overthinking, and increase confidence through self-care, emotional healing, and mental health support. 

Transcript

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M.J. Murray Vachon LCSW 0:00

In this episode, you'll discover how to support your adult child who feels stuck.

Built-in Microphone 0:04

Welcome to Creating Midlife Calm, a podcast dedicated to empowering midlife minds to overcome anxiety, stop feeling like crap and become more present with your family, all while achieving greater success at work. I'm MJ Murray Vachon, a licensed clinical social worker with over 48, 000 hours of therapy sessions and 31 years of experience teaching mental wellness.

M.J. Murray Vachon LCSW 0:29

Welcome to the podcast. On Monday, we explored why so many young adults are struggling to launch. Looking at factors like technology, cannabis use, and the changing economy. Figuring out how to help your child get unstuck while protecting your own peace of mind requires a very specific kind of strength. By the end of this episode, you'll discover the mindset that helps most in these situations. How to set healthy home and financial boundaries. Why it's so important to address overuse and addiction, and how stepping back from over involvement can actually help you move forward on a personal goal of your own. Let's begin by checking in with Monday's Inner Challenge. How'd you do on letting go of the shame story around your own adult child's struggles? It's not easy. Shame can creep in quietly, especially when you're comparing your child's path to what you thought it would be or to other adults. Releasing your shame story is the first step in becoming the calm, steady presence they actually need. Let's begin with a quick reminder. This isn't just your family. Nearly one in four adults in the US live at home, they're navigating a world that's more complex, more expensive, and more digitally distracting than ever. They're also facing unprecedented levels of anxiety, disconnection, and mental health and lifestyle challenges, and let's name what often goes unspoken: this is hard. Shifting from fixer to guide can feel like a real loss. Many parents tell me they feel guilt, sadness, anger, even fear. That's normal and it's okay. You're not just supporting your child in their growth, but you too are also going to have to grow in this really difficult situation. Coping skill Number one, name your mindset. Let's start with you. Observe your thoughts about your child. Are you in fixer mode, constantly trying to solve things? Do you feel resentful that they're consuming so much of your energy during a time you thought you'd finally reclaim some freedom? Maybe you feel helpless or defeated. The first place to start is not with your child, but with yourself. There's no easy or clear cut solutions but some of the most inspiring parents I've worked with are those whose children were diagnosed with cancer. After the initial overwhelm, these parents often found a way to become steady, calm, and clear. What I have taken to call the lighthouse mindset? A lighthouse doesn't sail into the storm. It stays rooted and steady shining a light to help others find their way. You are not steering your child's ship. You're offering guidance clarity from a solid place. You're beaming onto them saying, I believe in you. I think you can figure this out. You're not alone. Many of these parents who have sick children have said to me, I didn't even know I had this strength, and I believe the same is true for you. You may be thinking, Hey, mj, I am no lighthouse. But if your child were facing a life-threatening illness, you'd find strength you didn't know you had. You'd meditate, walk, pray, cry, breathe, whatever it took to stay grounded and be there, steady light in the storm. You'd also receive casseroles cards and compassion. But when your child is emotionally or behaviorally stuck. Shame isolates you, and isolation can warp your mindset. So coping skill number one is this, face the reality of your situation and choose the lighthouse mindset. Coping skill number two, shine light on the problem. Every family handles this differently. Some dim the light and hope their 26-year-old will grow out of eight hours of Fortnite. Others go full floodlight, hovering, critiquing every move. The lighthouse mindset offers a different path. One of honest illumination. I often suggest having a conversation with your child with these three open-ended questions. Number one? Is this where you thought you'd be at this stage in your life? Number two, how do you think you got here? Number three, would you be open to some help moving forward? Tailor these questions to your own voice and situation. But remember, you're not asking for your sake. You're offering a mirror, a light for them to reflect. Ask with curiosity, not judgment. Then listen, really listen. Don't go off and do your stories, your suggestions. No correcting, no fixing, just presence. If your child says, I thought I'd have a full-time job in an apartment of my own by now, but I'm stuck making minimum wage and getting lousy tips living with you, and then follows up with, no, I don't really want any help It's hopeless. Nothing's gonna change. You can simply say, thanks for telling me. I was just wondering what you were thinking. Then go do something that brings you joy. Walk the dog, take a bath, play pickleball. You're not despairing. You're practicing the lighthouse mindset. Don't phone a friend and complain about what he said. You're asking so your child can hear themself Think. If your child says Yes, I want help. Respond, great. Come up with five ideas and let's talk about them tomorrow. I've got pickleball In 30 minutes. You're planting seeds and seeds. Take time. Remember, the rhythm of this conversation stays the same. You're asking for their thoughts, not giving yours. You're inviting their ideas, not offering solutions because as you likely know, they will push back on your excellent suggestions, but feel very empowered by their own. You may have to have this type of conversation many times about different topics. Remember, you're just planting seeds and often children who are stuck unconsciously are testing parents to see if you are willing to work harder than them. You have to be that steady lighthouse shining the light, but not going out into sea. Coping skill number three, clarify expectations around living at home and financial support. Here are my two guiding principles. Number one, don't make it too comfortable. Number two, don't keep it vague. Many stuck kids didn't plan on staying. It just happened. One of my kids moved back home during the pandemic. Living at home as an adult is a paradox. Children remember being a kid here and often revert to childlike roles, but there are also adults and sometimes only when it suits them. So do what a lighthouse mindset does best. Shine the light and name the paradox. I said to my adult child one day, you know, this isn't natural, so we'll need to update how we do things. I'll treat you like an adult and that means you pitching in. Maybe you haven't done this yet. That's okay. Start now. You might say, it looks like you'll be with us longer. Let's update the arrangement so you're a full member of the household. Assign chores, have them cook dinner, go to the grocery, and share the tv, the screens, and the computers. Many families charge rent or ask for grocery contributions. Sometimes they return that rent as money for a future apartment fund. This approach has three advantages. It treats them like an adult. It helps them learn to manage money, and it creates motivation to earn more. Without expectations, your child may live in a false sense of security. If they're unemployed, let them earn by doing chores around the house. Make sure they sign up for unemployment. This is one of the best hacks I ever discovered. When I work with young people who are unemployed. I insist on this as part of their treatment. For many of them, no one in their family has ever received unemployment. The experience of going to the office, signing up is eye-opening. But the other thing that happens is that the unemployment department requires that they keep looking for work in order for them to get the check and food stamps. And of course, the food stamps are donated to the family. Expect resistance, maybe even tears. This is just a brief return to teen hood. Let their waves crash. You stay steady. if you find it too hard to stay steady, jump in and do three or four therapy sessions so you can hold the boundary. Coping skill Number four, courageously address addiction and overuse. Many young adults who feel stuck are overusing something, phones, games, porn, pot, alcohol. They didn't start with a problem. Most began for connection, pleasure, or relief. But over time, tolerance builds usage, increases motivation, mood and mental health suffer. As a parent. Step back and shine the light. How many hours a day are they on the screens? How often are they using substances? For many more than two hours of screen time daily, especially paired with cannabis starts to dysregulate the dopamine system and worsen anxiety and depression. If addiction is present, you'll need more than this podcast. Find a therapist trained in family systems and addiction. And you should find your way to Al-Anon because that can be a really helpful starting point. And please don't wait for your child to hit bottom if no one's ever had a real conversation with them about their use. Many of my clients have never sat down and examined their use let alone their denial or their excuses. This isn't about judgment, it's about truth. The world your child lives in isn't telling them that two hours of phone use a day is ideal, or that smoking weed should be only once or twice a week, but you can. If they can't hear it from you, then you know therapy is needed. If they can hear it from you, but their use doesn't decrease, stay the parent and find a therapist hey, I am here for you, but I won't take over. I believe in you even if it takes time to figure things out. And on an obvious side note, If like your child, you tend to overuse or addicted to substances, this is the perfect time for you to step in and treat your own issues. Coping Skill number five, break the habit of over involvement. Let me state the obvious. We all start out as parents over functioning. Remember those sleepless nights? Recall all those appointments and games and schedules you managed. All in the name of love, but in adulthood that can send a different message. Over involvement. Says to your child, I don't think you can do this without me. If every time you think about your child doing this without you, you get sad, you feel grief, understand that is normal, but I invite you to let go of your child so your child can step in to his or her own life. The shift from doing for to doing with or sometimes doing Nothing at all is hard, but necessary. You can still be warm and supportive while allowing natural consequences to take root. While your child is working on their life, work on yours. Pick something you've avoided. One of my clients decided to live within a budget. She always overspent and felt anxious about money. She started tracking her spending and realized how hard it was to change her belief that she was bad with money, but she kept at it and that changed everything. Her 28-year-old daughter who was living at home got frustrated when her mom stopped taking her shopping and went out and got a job to buy what she wanted. That led to the mom charging rent. That led to the daughter re-enrolling in college to finish her last three classes. See the ripple. What might shift in your child's life if you made a bold shift in yours? There is no quick fix when your adult child is stuck, but there is slow and steady progress rooted in compassion, boundaries, and accountability. Your compassion is the light, the light that says to your child, I believe you can figure it out. You're not alone. We're here to support you, but we can't do it for you. Your boundaries and accountability are the structure. Together they form your lighthouse mindset. I. This episode, you discovered five key ways to support your adult child without enabling. Cultivate the lighthouse mindset, shine light on the problem with calm and curiosity. Set clear expectations around home life, and finances. Honestly, address overuse or addiction, and break the habit of over involvement. These aren't just parenting tools. They're invitations to grow, evolve, and reclaim your calm, one steady light beam at a time. So let me ask, which of these five steps are you ready to try this week? Thanks for listening. I'll be back on Monday with more creating midlife calm.