Ep. 146 How Loneliness Is Quietly Draining Your Happiness & 4 Coping Skills to Rebuild Connection in Midlife

Loneliness in midlife often creeps in unnoticed.
You go through the motions—work, family, responsibilities—but something feels off.
In this episode, you’ll discover:

1. Why midlife loneliness is so common and why it often goes unrecognized.
2. Four powerful strategies to build deeper, more fulfilling connections.
3. How small, intentional actions can help you feel seen, heard, and truly connected again.

Loneliness isn’t inevitable—you have the power to change it. Press play now to start turning up the dimmer switch on connection in your life.

****

About the Host:
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with more than 48,000 hours of therapy sessions and 31 years of experience teaching her Mental Wellness curriculum, Inner Challenge. Four years ago she overcame her fear of technology to create a podcast that integrated her vast clinical experience and practical wisdom of cultivating mental wellness using the latest information from neuroscience. MJ was Social Worker of the Year in 2011 for Region 2/IN.

Creating Midlife Calm is a podcast designed to guide you through the challenges of midlife, tackling issues like anxiety, low self-esteem, feeling unworthy, procrastination, and isolation, while offering strategies for improving relationships, family support, emotional wellbeing, mental wellness, and parenting, with a focus on mindfulness, stress management, coping skills, and personal growth to stop rumination, overthinking, and increase confidence through self-care, emotional healing, and mental health support.

Transcript

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW (2): 0:00

In this episode, you'll discover how loneliness might be the hidden reason behind your stress, boredom, or lack of joy. welcome to Creating Midlife Calm, a podcast dedicated to empowering midlife minds to overcome anxiety, stop feeling like crap and become more present with your family, all while achieving greater success at work. I'm MJ Murray Vachon, a licensed clinical social worker with over 48, 000 hours of therapy sessions and 31 years of experience teaching mental wellness. Welcome to the podcast. Have you ever felt lonely? Even when surrounded by people? You're not alone. Midlife can be one of the loneliest stages of life. Yet few people talk about it. In today's episode, we're gonna explore this often overlooked reality loneliness in midlife. In this episode, I'll share why midlife loneliness is common, yet frequently goes unnoticed. Some indicators that your social and relational wellbeing may need a bit of a tuneup. The impact of loneliness. And four practical coping strategies to strengthen your connections so you can feel better. Most importantly, I want you to put your loneliness into context. As always, I'll end with an inner challenge, something you can start today to help ease your anxiety. You are not alone. You are not a failure, but you are living in a culture that at any age can foster loneliness unless you take intentional steps to prevent it. The loneliness many of my midlife clients experience is something I first started recognizing 10 to 15 years ago. My clients in their seventies and eighties openly acknowledge their loneliness without shame. However, my midlife clients, whether they're 35, 50 or 60, often don't realize that their unhappiness is rooted in loneliness. Loneliness in midlife often looks like going through your daily routines surrounded by people, yet feeling unseen, disconnected, and burdened by unshared worries and unmet emotional needs. Emotionally, you may feel empty, isolated, and longing for deeper connections. While battling self-doubt and sadness, your thoughts might spiral into over analysis, questioning your worth, past choices, and whether meaningful relationships are still possible. You may tend to think of a lonely person as an 80-year-old sitting at home watching TV all day. In midlife, loneliness feels different. It's the isolation and disconnection you experience while navigating a demanding day. One of the first clients who made me aware of this was a highly successful woman who sought therapy due to depression. She had received a clean bill of health from her doctor. She balanced a demanding job, raised two kids, had a supportive husband, and had family living in the area. She said to me, I used to enjoy my life, but now I'm just getting through. At first, her situation puzzled me. She got enough sleep, ate well, exercised three times a week, and had never really felt this way before. Then we looked at her phone usage, which gave us a clue. During the week she was too busy to scroll, but on weekends, she spent up to four hours a day. She explained to me my weekends are my only downtime. When I asked if she spent time with friends on the weekend, she hesitated before admitting not anymore. Since everyone has kids, most of my friends are wrapped up in their children's activities, so getting together isn't possible, and when we do the conversations feel competitive or surface level, I leave feeling drained. I even scroll through my phone at my kids' games just to avoid the small talk. I asked her and later many of my other midlife clients what kind of conversations she would like to have with her friends. She thought for a moment and said, I don't know, but something that feels real. That response struck me. It reminded me of a conversation I had years ago with a friend, 30 years older than me. I had just joined a mom's group after having my first child, and it was my lifeline, naively, I asked her, are you in a mom's group? She had six kids between ages of eight and 16, and she laughed at me and said, oh no. Parents of teens don't have groups. We're too embarrassed to speak to each other. We often hear about authenticity, sharing your true self with others. But in my office, clients tell me how rare this actually is in their day-to-day life. One client shared how when she told people about her sister's cancer diagnosis, they often responded by talking about their own experiences with a loved one I don't mention this to be judgemental, but to highlight a common communication pattern that can feel very isolating. What's the pattern? Someone shares something vulnerable and instead of responding, I am with you. The listener shifts the conversation to let me tell you about me. this response doesn't foster connection. Instead, it centers a conversation on the listener and leaves the person who initially opened up feeling even more alone. Here's another example. Just last week, a client walked into a session holding both joy and frustration at the same time. She had received a long awaited promotion and on her way to therapy, she stopped by her husband's office to share her fantastic news. His response, a brief celebratory hug, followed by I wish I could get a promotion instead of feeling proud and excited, she left feeling disappointed and even resentful toward her husband. He had let her accomplishment have four seconds, and then he turned the conversation back to his own career. One of the most challenging aspects of modern life is that we are incredibly self-focused, driven, and task oriented. The fast pace of life, coupled with constant phone use makes it even harder to slow down and savor moments, whether they involve a celebration, like a job promotion or hardship, like a cancer diagnosis. Coping skill number one is be a bridge builder. Notice how often when someone is vulnerable with you that you turn it back on yourself and when you need someone to listen to you, invite them to cross the bridge over to you. It is perfectly acceptable to say, I just found out something about my sister. Could you give me five or 10 minutes of true listening so I can share this with you? You don't have to fix it. I just need a listener. There is probably nothing that creates connection more than true listening, it is free. It doesn't take much time, but it does take self-restraint and intention. Coping Skill number two is to understand, accept and reprioritize the importance of deep relationships in your life. I've worked with many people transitioning through major life changes, empty nesters, those going through divorce, relocation, or retirement. One common realization among them is this. If you want a social life, you have to create time and space for it. This is true in midlife as well. Friendships can revolve around work, kids activities or hobbies, but you also need relationships where you can truly listen. Be heard, find a couple people who can hold space for you and in turn commit to being a great listener for them. If you're struggling with emotional connection in your marriage, consider whether your relationship is driven by tasks rather than emotional connection. Whether it's with a friend or a partner coping Skill number two encourages you to schedule time to hear each other's lives. Some couples call this holy hour, a weekly time to truly check in. Personally, I walk with a dear friend every week, and those 45 minutes are like oxygen for both of us. One of my favorite gifts in recent years was from that same friend, she gave me an ornament, commemorating nine years of walking together. Yes, we've married children, become grandparents and grieve through the illnesses of very close and dear friends. This Christmas, she gave me a frame picture with my personal motto for the year, be a helper. Did I feel seen? Did I feel known? Absolutely. Coping Skill number three, just do it. One of the biggest challenges in adulthood is that no one is setting up play dates for us anymore. From childhood through your mid twenties, socialization was built into your daily life. You would see friends at school in activities or on campus. You may have assumed that friendship would always be effortless, but in midlife, you have to actively create meaningful social opportunities that are nurturing to your heart and to your soul. Otherwise, you might find yourself like my client scrolling on her phone at her kid's game just to avoid another surface level conversation about someone's Pinewood Derby win. Just last week I had a client commit to scheduling two coffee dates this month with a friend she feels a real connection with. Part of just doing it means setting specific achievable goals, and if you tell someone else, you're even more likely to be successful saying, I should ask someone to coffee isn't enough. Be intentional and clear. Coping skill number four, understanding that your relationships will need consistent nurturing. Having reviewed thousands of people's phone usage over the past 15 years, I can confidently say we all have time to nurture our relationship. Here's one clever solution. One of my clients has always been close with her cousin, but they only saw each other once or twice a year. After their last visit, her cousin suggested, why don't we FaceTime twice a month like we did during the pandemic? She was amazed at how this small changed deepen their bond. They even created a ritual. Each call starts out with the best thing that happened since they last talked, followed by the worst. Then they strategized on how to create more of the best and minimize or change the worst. This simple, intentional act of nurturing a real authentic friendship has been transformative for her. Perhaps you're listening and this episode is actually making you feel worse because you can't think of a friend or two who you could actually call for coffee. You are not alone. You might be asking yourself, how did I get here? I used to have friends. Let me explain. Loneliness in midlife is often like a slow dimming of a living room that at one time was beautifully lit up with a number of can lights. At first you didn't notice the subtle shift. The daily demands of work, family and responsibilities keep you moving. But over time, the glow of deep connection fades and the room grows dimmer one light at a time. Conversations can feel more surface level. Friendships become more transactional, and the warmth of truly being seen and heard starts to flicker. Then one day you realize you're standing in a space that feels unfamiliar, still functioning, still moving, but missing the brightness of meaningful relationships. And like dim lights, loneliness isn't always obvious. It settles in gradually, leaving you longing for the warmth and vibrance that once filled the room. But just like a dimmer switch connection can be turned up intentionally, steadily through meaningful conversations, small acts of presence, and the courage to reach out. In this episode, you've discovered how midlife loneliness often creeps in unnoticed, much like a dimming light gradually fading until you suddenly realize how disconnected you feel. You learn that while modern life is fast-paced and often self-focused, building real connection requires time, intention, and action. I've given you four coping skills to rebuild and nurture your connections. Your Inner Challenge this week is to choose one action to strengthen your social connections. It could be as simple as reaching out to a friend for a specific get together, a coffee date, a walk, a phone call, setting aside intentional time with your partner, free from distractions to talk about something beyond daily logistics. It could be Practicing better listening by responding to someone's vulnerability with presence rather than a personal story. Loneliness isn't inevitable in midlife, it's something you can actually change. Take one small step this week to turn up the dimmer switch on your connection, and I'll be back on Thursday to share the biggest mistake and how to overcome it when it comes to midlife and loneliness. Thanks for listening to Creating Midlife Calm.