Ep. 143 3 Powerful Coping Skills to Conquer Midlife Anxiety & Perfectionism for a Happier Life

Are you constantly pushing yourself to the max, yet feeling exhausted and on edge?

Doing less could actually help you achieve more.

In this episode you’ll discover: 

 1.  Why striving for perfection might be holding you back.

2.  Two powerful midlife coping skills that make relaxation actually work for you.

3.  How shifting to an 80% effort mindset can prevent burnout and improve        productivity.

Press play now to unlock the secrets to managing anxiety and perfectionism boosting efficiency, and finally enjoying your success—without guilt.

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About the Host:
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with more than 48,000 hours of therapy sessions and 31 years of experience teaching her Mental Wellness curriculum, Inner Challenge. Four years ago she overcame her fear of technology to create a podcast that integrated her vast clinical experience and practical wisdom of cultivating mental wellness using the latest information from neuroscience. MJ was Social Worker of the Year in 2011 for Region 2/IN.

Creating Midlife Calm is a podcast designed to guide you through the challenges of midlife, tackling issues like anxiety, low self-esteem, feeling unworthy, procrastination, and isolation, while offering strategies for improving relationships, family support, emotional wellbeing, mental wellness, and parenting, with a focus on mindfulness, stress management, coping skills, and personal growth to stop rumination, overthinking, and increase confidence through self-care, emotional healing, and mental health support.

Transcript

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW: 0:00

In this episode, you'll discover three coping skills to break free from anxiety and perfectionism welcome to Creating Midlife Calm, a podcast dedicated to empowering midlife minds to overcome anxiety, stop feeling like crap and become more present with your family, all while achieving greater success at work. I'm MJ Murray Vachon, a licensed clinical social worker with over 48, 000 hours of therapy sessions and 31 years of experience teaching mental wellness. Welcome to the podcast. Today we're following up on Monday's episode on high functioning anxiety, that type, A energy that makes you highly competent, reliable, and successful on the outside, but constantly on the edge on the inside. In this episode, I'm gonna introduce you to the 80% rule, a scientifically backed approach that can ease your anxiety while maintaining your success. If you have high functioning anxiety, your drive is one of your greatest strengths, but it can also leave you exhausted and unable to fully enjoy your wins. I'll share with you two practical coping skills to help you relax, even if you're already thinking, there's no way I can relax. It's just not my style. By the end of this episode, you'll see how relaxation can fit you perfectly. Not only will it enhance your success, but those who work and live with you will be oh, so grateful for it. Let's begin by checking in on Monday's Inner Challenge. Creating an image that tethers your Inner urgency to Inner calm. Just today in my office, a client texted me that she'd be 15 minutes late. She's a dynamo, and I expected her to rush in frazzled, but instead she walked in calm and centered, sat down and said, I practiced calming myself by taking a few deep breaths, imagining myself floating on water, and within 30 seconds I told myself it's okay to be late. Guess what it is. Okay. Your success is not tied to urgency, anxiety, or panic. It's built on the skills and mindsets you've developed. So why not lean toward calm and success, which brings us to today's focus, the 80% rule. What if I told you that giving 80% of your effort could actually make you more successful and less stressed? Many people with high functioning anxiety feel compelled to do things either well perfectly. Do you recognize yourself somewhere on that spectrum? Here's a secret. If you struggle with perfectionism, it's because you have the ability to be a perfectionist. I've worked with thousands of people, and to be honest, only the most talented struggle with perfectionism. You perfect things because you can. But the key to making your high functioning anxiety work for you is learning to scale it down strategically, and that's where the 80% rule comes in. The 80% rule suggests that aiming for 80% effort instead of perfection reduces stress, improves efficiency, and prevents burnout. Research on perfectionism shows that constantly striving for a hundred percent leads to diminishing returns, decision fatigue and anxiety. Interestingly, studies in sports psychology confirm that working at a slightly lower intensity actually enhances long-term performance, creativity, and wellbeing. Years ago I had a client who I'll call the Renaissance man. He was musical, artistic, physically fit, written a book, and was running a company. Yet, despite all his accomplishments. He was miserable and exhausted. He constantly complained that his employees didn't strive for excellence. His kids didn't push themselves to be the best in school. What was wrong with everyone? One day in frustration, he said, I don't get it. Why don't people work as hard as I do? I looked at him and I said, you are wired differently than most people, and that's a gift. A challenge. He had a rare ability to do many things well, and his high energy propelled him to success and exhaustion. He stared at me and he said, MJ misery is the price of success. I made him repeat that out loud three times. I am successful and miserable. I am successful and miserable. I am successful and miserable. Then he laughed and he said. I'm ridiculous. Well, kind of. I told him to run an experiment for the week instead of instinctively pushing everything to the highest level, I have to get everything done, he should pause and ask, what would this look like if I notched it down 20%? At our next session, he shared that one night, the week before at five 30, he looked at his work to-do list. He had completed eight of the things, but two were left undone. Of course, he laughed at the perfection of the math, but then he did something different. He went home with his list undone as he drove home, he felt anxious and guilty. Those tasks could still be there tomorrow, but because he had learned to name and tame his feelings, he grounded his feet, took a few deep breaths, and calmed his nervous system. If you're interested in learning to name and tame your feelings, check out episode 97. He walked in the house and his wife and kids were eating dinner, shocked to see him home. 90 minutes early, His kids ran up and hugged him, thrilled he could eat with them. His wife, however, had a different reaction. She looked at him and whispered. Did you lose your job? He smiled and he said I lost 20% of it. The next day, he went back to work refreshed and a bit more committed to learning how to be successful and happy. But there's another culprit. If you have high functioning anxiety, your inability to relax. Perhaps for you relaxing might feel impossible. But here's the thing. Relaxation doesn't mean sitting around doing nothing. It means restoring your energy so you can keep doing what you love. Enjoy your wins. Just this morning I asked a client, how good are you at relaxing? She shook her head and said, I'm terrible at it, and she's not alone. You have your own story and relationship with relaxation. Maybe you grew up in a family where hard work was celebrated and rest was seen as lazy or unproductive. Maybe your parents were burdened by illness or financial stress, and as a child you stepped up to ease their load, earning validation for being responsible and helpful. Or maybe when you finally try to relax, your mind won't shut off. Filling the silence with a mental to-do list, whatever your story. Learning to relax is just like learning any other skill. Some people need to work harder in midlife, while others like you need to become better at resting. If I had to choose between struggling to work harder or struggling to relax, I would take your issue any day. So coping skill number one is give yourself a daily dose of happiness. When I tell people they need to learn to relax, they often assume I'm going to suggest a weekend silent retreat or hours of meditation. Nope, that's not what I mean at all. I want you to choose one small thing each day that brings you a little bit of happiness. One of my clients told me she started walking to get coffee in the middle of her workday. Another said he watches his favorite game show to unwind. Maybe for you it's going for a walk, listening to a favorite song or two, or flipping through a book or magazine. Personally, I love watching videos of my grandson if lying around for two hours sounds miserable, don't do it. Relaxation doesn't have to look like stillness. It just needs to be something enjoyable. Science even shows us that just 15 minutes of fluff time each day makes you happier, more productive, and less stressed. So why not give it a try? Which leads me to the next coping skill. Treat your critical voice like a puppy. That voice in your head that says, this is a waste of time. Imagine it's a puppy that just peed on the floor. You wouldn't stomp on the puppy. You'd pick it up, redirect it, and move on. When guilt creeps in, ground your feet. Take a deep breath and let the thought pass. Relaxation isn't a waste of time. It's restoring your energy. And if you want extra motivation, ask the people around you what your constant motion feels like for them. You might be surprised at the answer. In this episode we explored the 80% rule, a science-backed strategy that can help you reduce stress, improve efficiency, and prevent burnout without sacrificing success. You'll also discover two practical coping skills to help you relax a daily dose of happiness, which encourages you to take 15 minutes each day to do something enjoyable and treat your critical voice like a puppy. A mindset shift that helps you let go of guilt and embrace relaxation as a productive act. This week, try the 80% rule just once, then use the extra time to relax. Guilt-free. Trust me, the sun will still rise and set. You'll get plenty done, but you'll enjoy the ride a lot more. Thanks for listening, and I'll be back on Monday with more creating midlife calm.