Ep. 128 The 1 Coping Skill That Will Transform Your Relationship This Valentines Day, For Reduced Anxiety & Joy In Midlife

What if the most meaningful Valentine’s Day gift you could give this year doesn’t cost a penny—and could transform your relationship?

In midlife, juggling work, family, and daily stress often leaves little time for meaningful connection. Traditional Valentine’s gifts like roses and chocolates might check the box, but they rarely spark lasting connection.

By listening to this episode, you’ll discover:

1.     A transformative mindset to deepen connection, spark joy, and foster greater  acceptance in your midlife relationship.

2.     How to overcome common challenges like negativity and judgment in your partnership.

3.     Practical strategies to creating a stronger, more peaceful connection with your partner.

Tune in now to discover how one simple mindset shift can transform your Valentine’s Day and revitalize your relationship—no wrapping paper required!

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About the Host:
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with more than 48,000 hours of therapy sessions and 31 years of experience teaching her Mental Wellness curriculum, Inner Challenge. Four years ago she overcame her fear of technology to create a podcast that integrated her vast clinical experience and practical wisdom of cultivating mental wellness using the latest information from neuroscience. MJ was Social Worker of the Year in 2011 for Region 2/IN.

Creating Midlife Calm is a podcast designed to guide you through the challenges of midlife, tackling issues like anxiety, low self-esteem, feeling unworthy, procrastination, and isolation, while offering strategies for improving relationships, family support, emotional wellbeing, mental wellness, and parenting, with a focus on mindfulness, stress management, coping skills, and personal growth to stop rumination, overthinking, and increase confidence through self-care, emotional healing, and mental health support.

Transcript

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In this episode, you'll discover an awesome Valentine's Day gift that not only transforms your relationship, but doesn't cost a penny.

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Welcome to Creating Midlife Calm, a podcast dedicated to empowering midlife minds to overcome anxiety, stop feeling like crap and become more present with your family, all while achieving greater success at work. I'm MJ Murray Vachon, a licensed clinical social worker with over 48, 000 hours of therapy sessions and 31 years of experience teaching mental wellness.

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Welcome to the podcast. With Valentine's Day just around the corner, how many times have you struggled to find a gift that feels meaningful? Dinner reservations, a box of chocolates, another year with roses. This year, I'm challenging you to step out of the Hallmark box and embrace a new idea: radical acceptance. The end of this episode, we'll explore what radical acceptance is, how it can help reduce tension and foster appreciation, and practical ways to overcome challenges like negativity and judgment. I'll wrap up with an inner challenge designed to help you start practicing this gift today so that by Valentine's Day, your connection with your partner can feel revitalized. What is radical acceptance? Radical acceptance means embracing your partner for who they are without judgment or the need to change them. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't turn off this podcast before you rush to Amazon to buy the ordinary. Consider this. Midlife is tough. Between work, kids, aging parents, endless chores, and the stress of the world, it's easy to go on autopilot for Valentine's Day. But what if instead of checking off your to do list, you spent this week practicing radical acceptance? Embracing your partner as they are might be the most meaningful gift you can give. Let me share a story from my own marriage. Years ago my husband bought supplies to fix our fence. He had the best of intentions, but with his demanding job, those supplies sat untouched. Every time I drove in the driveway, I felt irritated and frustrated. One day, while venting to a friend, she said to me, your husband spends his time teaching college students about compassion, and you're upset about a fence? Hire someone. He's already done half the job by buying the materials. Ouch! I knew she was right. And she led me on a much healthier path than I could have ever found on my own. Cause here's the truth. He wanted to fix the fence, but genuinely did not have time. He'd already done part of the work, but I hadn't even noticed or given him credit. I realized that my frustration stemmed from my own mindset. Instead of focusing on the unfinished fence. I started focusing on his meaningful work and the good he was doing. I even created this fun little mantra, he's mending minds, not fences. It made me laugh and helped me shift my perspective. Once I practiced radical acceptance, I let go of my frustration and improved our relationship energy. Want to hear the ending of the story? During the summer, he did fix that fence and he did it with our neighbor and they had a great time. Here's another example from the couch. Many of my clients have partners who are devoted to Sunday football, spending hours watching games and participating in fantasy leagues. One client felt abandoned and jealous. In session one day, she said to me, he needs to grow up and prioritize us

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When I asked her to envision what she wanted, she said she wanted to spend Sundays walking in the woods, doing home repair projects, and just spending time together. She had no interest in football and she just wanted him to be more like her.

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This is the essence of radical acceptance. Recognizing that your partner is a separate individual with their own needs, desires, interests, and values. In this case, her husband's football ritual brought him joy and connection with his friends. Instead of resenting it, she reframed her perspective. She joined him for part of the game, then used the rest of the time to do things she enjoyed, like reading or walking. By accepting his love for football, she chose happiness over tension. Before I go any further, let me tell you what radical acceptance is not. Should you radically accept abuse, infidelity, or addiction? Absolutely not. Radical acceptance doesn't mean ignoring serious problems or avoiding growth. It's about shifting focus to what's working and appreciating your partner as they are. For example, if your partner washes the dishes but doesn't sweep the floor, instead of crafting a mental script about their laziness, you can say, Hey, thanks for doing the dishes. Would you mind sweeping the floor? Or you could simply sweep the floor yourself and be grateful that the dishes are done. Choosing gratitude over frustration creates happy interactions between the two of you and within yourself. But like many good things, radical acceptance comes with a couple challenges. The first is your mind has a negativity bias. Your mind naturally focuses on the negative, but your superpower is your ability to redirect your thoughts. For example, when I practiced my fence mantra, I shifted my focus from irritation to appreciation. Want the truth? After about three days, I stopped noticing the unfinished fence and I started noticing the beauty around me, my flower beds, the deer in the yard. My client, who shifted her mindset, started to use Sunday afternoon to pursue activities that brought her joy. Don't forget, your mind starts with the negative, but you have the power to shift it to a happier, healthier, calmer place. The second challenge in learning to practice radical acceptance is judgment. Judgment is a really common obstacle. Because it's our instinct to judge differences. When your partner does something different than you, your brain's amygdala can trigger a stress response, releasing cortisol. Meanwhile, another part of your brain, at the same time, begins to focus on yourself, fueling comparisons and judgment. this reaction actually is a form of self protection, telling you, my way is best. To counter this, practice curiosity instead of judgment. Curiosity activates the brain's dopamine system, enhancing empathy, connection, and problem solving. Ask yourself these two questions. Is this really a threat? And do I really want to be happy? Most of the time, you'll find that the situation isn't threatening. Choosing curiosity can help you shift from frustration to happiness. You might be irritated that you live with someone who insists on washing the car every week, but that truly is not a threat. It's just a difference. These two questions, is it a threat and do I want to be happy, can help you shift your mind to a calmer, more connecting place. In this episode, you've discovered the transformative power of radical acceptance as a meaningful and lasting Valentine's Day gift. We explored how embracing your partner as they are, without judgment or the need to change them, can reduce conflict, strengthen your connection, and bring more calm into your relationship. You learned how to overcome challenges like the mind's negativity bias and the tendency to judge differences. By using practical strategies, like curiosity and gratitude, radical acceptance often helps you move a narrow focus into a wider vision, allowing you to see the whole picture, not just your perspective. Your inner challenge is to give the gift of radical acceptance this Valentine's Day. Start today by noticing when you're judging your partner. Pause, take a few breaths, and assess. Is this judgment truly helpful? Then choose happiness. Accept your partner as they are, without judgment or the need to change them. Write down what you notice about this practice and how it shifts your feelings. You don't need to be perfect., But progress is what matters. This thoughtful gift can lead to less conflict, more connection, and greater calm in your relationship. I'll be back on Thursday to follow up on this Inner Challenge and to let you know a secret. I know what your partner got you for Valentine's Day and I'm not telling anyone until Thursday. Thanks for listening to Creating Midlife Calm.