Ep. 112 3 Practical Coping Skills to Decrease Anxiety & Navigate Toxic Family Dynamics During the Holidays

Do you struggle to stay safe while spending time with toxic family members this holiday season?

The holiday season often brings families together, but for those with toxic relationship patterns in their family, it can also bring tension, conflict, and emotional strain. 

In this episode you’ll discover: 

1. How to identify toxic behaviors and distinguish them from hurtful but resolvable actions.

2. Three powerful coping skills that offer protection and safe connection during family gatherings. 

3. Actionable strategies to navigate family events with less stress, maintain your emotional balance, and prioritize your safety.

Listen to this episode now to arm yourself with the tools you need to approach toxic family dynamics with clarity, confidence, and peace this holiday season.

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About the Host:
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with more than 48,000 hours of therapy sessions and 31 years of experience teaching her Mental Wellness curriculum, Inner Challenge. Four years ago she overcame her fear of technology to create a podcast that integrated her vast clinical experience and practical wisdom of cultivating mental wellness using the latest information from neuroscience. MJ was Social Worker of the Year in 2011 for Region 2/IN.

Creating Midlife Calm is a podcast designed to guide you through the challenges of midlife, tackling issues like anxiety, low self-esteem, feeling unworthy, procrastination, and isolation, while offering strategies for improving relationships, family support, emotional wellbeing, mental wellness, and parenting, with a focus on mindfulness, stress management, coping skills, and personal growth to stop rumination, overthinking, and increase confidence through self-care, emotional healing, and mental health support.

Transcript

M.J. Murray Vachon LCSW: 0:00

In this episode, you'll discover coping skills to decrease your anxiety and increase your protection when spending time with family members who relationship patterns are toxic. Welcome to Creating Midlife Calm, a podcast dedicated to empowering midlife minds to overcome anxiety, stop feeling like crap and become more present with your family, all while achieving greater success at work. I'm MJ Murray Vachon, a licensed clinical social worker with over 48, 000 hours of therapy sessions and 31 years of experience teaching mental wellness. Welcome podcast. This week, I'm focusing on strategies for navigating difficult family reactions. On Monday I explained the difference between hurtful and toxic behavior and shared coping skills for managing hurtful behavior. Today we'll dive into toxic relational behavior. Understanding this distinction is essential for your own well being during the holiday season as the strategies for addressing each of these are quite different. Having family members with toxic relationship patterns doesn't mean you don't love them, or that you don't want a relationship with them. It means accepting the tension of loving them, while recognizing that the relationship you want and you deserve, you most likely cannot have. This does require you to do some inner work, so you can have connection, and Protection at the same time. By the end of today's episode, you'll have a clear definition of toxic behaviors and three practical coping skills to help keep you safe emotionally, mentally, physically, this holiday season. Hurtful behavior is typically unintentional and occasional. It might stem from poor judgment or emotional reactions and can often be resolved by communicating and understanding with your loved one. Your inner challenge on Monday was to spend 10 15 minutes thinking about the common hurts that you experience in your family and using the coping skills I discussed, such as learning to ask for what you wanted more directly. Pivoting from escalating and being defensive to a caring stance when a loved one is critical, or developing acceptance and empathy for intergenerational differences that can often cause hurt. I also shared strategies to avoid escalating. If you haven't listened to episode 111, I invite you to do so. Today, I'm going help you create a three step plan for dealing with toxic behavior in your family. As I said before, toxic behavior is quite different than hurtful behavior. Toxic behavior is deliberate, persistent, and manipulative. It's often used to control or harm others, creating unhealthy patterns in relationships. not someone simply having a bad day. It involves actions that harm emotional or mental and physical well being. These behaviors include manipulation, constant criticism, gaslighting, boundary violations, and physical violence. One of the most challenging aspects of toxic behaviors is that they can be so embedded in the family system, they may seem normal to you. In fact, one way people begin to understand that they're living in a family with toxic patterns. is by seeing how other families interact differently. I remember years ago, a teen said to me, I was at my friend's birthday party and nobody got drunk. That was so weird. I asked him to share with me his experience when he would have birthdays. He looked at me, he laughed, and he said, I don't even want birthday parties. When I was younger, My dad would get so drunk and all he would say to me is that I wasn't appreciative enough for all the gifts and all the great parties that he threw me. Then my dad would go on to say how his family never gave him birthday parties and that I needed to show a lot more appreciation. Most toxic behaviors are legacy behaviors. Yep, behaviors that are handed down from one generation to the next. They are intergenerational. is what makes being part of a toxic family so difficult. Like many people, you really want to love your family. You want your family to get along. You want to be close to them. But all the little hurts, the shaming, the unresolved conflicts, the conflicts that can escalate into physical violence force you to armor up. What do I mean by armor up? In childhood, you developed defenses that were absolutely necessary to survive when these hurtful behaviors surfaced in your family. Maybe you're a pleaser, an avoider, a child who fought back, maybe you're what I call an escape artist, you lost yourself in a book, a video game, or maybe you turned to alcohol and drugs to numb the pain, the confusion. Maybe your defense was to overachieve in hopes that if you gave your parent or your loved one or whoever the toxic family member was, reasons to be proud, they wouldn't be so hurtful. Or like many who grow up in a toxic family, maybe your defense was just not to think about it too much, and you walled off any self awareness or awareness of others. Yet, here you are listening to a podcast about how to deal with toxic family over the holidays. So you're at a point in your life where you are wrestling with trying to understand this family that you came from, or this family you married into, or this family that you are part of. I encourage you to work with a professional. Like toxic waste, toxic relational patterns are easier to dispose of when working with someone who is highly trained. Notice how I said this. I don't typically use the word toxic family or toxic person. Thank you. Because what I have learned in my many years of being a therapist, is one of the most confusing parts of being in a relationship, with a person who has toxic relationship patterns, is that they aren't all bad. No person is bad all of the time. The dad who's a great basketball coach can also be the dad who belittles his wife and kids and throws objects when things don't go his way. The mom who made sure the house was clean and sat with her children and did their homework can also be the mom who drinks too much and after sunset becomes highly critical. There are two things that make toxic behavior so painful and confusing. First, the person or family exhibiting the behavior does have these good qualities. No one is bad 100 percent of the time and this often leaves within you a seed of great hope that somehow their best self will show up for this holiday or family event. Toxic behavior is made even more painful when there's an unwillingness in your family or family member to owning the truth of their behavior. Remember, hurtful behavior is part of the human condition. We are wired to be able to forgive and to connect. Toxic behavior is the wiring gone awry. When people are healthy enough, they can say, Ooh, that really hurt. Please don't do it again. And the other person can respond maybe with a bit of defensiveness. Well, I didn't mean to, I'm really sorry. I'll try to do it differently next time. I think of toxic relational patterns as having two layers of pain. One is the pain that stems from the direct relationship pattern, and the second is from the denial, the minimization, and the rationalization that often takes place after the behavior. Perhaps you said to a sibling at some time, stop yelling at me and calling me names. And their response was, you're so sensitive. I'm not yelling. This classic tactic shifts the blame onto you, making you feel at fault for their actions. If this sounds like your family, the most important thing you can do is accept who they are. I know this sounds counterintuitive because within each of us, Hope springs eternal. But by accepting your family at this point in time has lots of toxic relationship patterns, or this person in my family has lots of toxic relationship patterns. You are then able to step into your agency, your power and create some strategies, a plan so you can spend time with them while also protecting and taking care of yourself. So if you want to spend time with your family this holiday season with a bit of planning, you may be able to have a holiday with more connection and less conflict. Yet remember you might be the only family member working on healing from toxic relationship patterns. That's okay. You can create a plan to keep yourself safe, but remember, your plan does not cause anyone else to change. Holidays often come with increased intensity and expectations. I invite you to make a list and check it twice so you go into the family holiday prepared. The first thing I'd want you to do is reflect on past holidays, past family gatherings, and identify the toxic patterns. Perhaps things spin out of control sometime during the gathering when people have been drinking or Have a conversation and see if together you can identify the patterns. If there isn't anyone in your family that is doing what I would call healing from toxic family relationships, then go to a professional or talk to a trusted friend or a clergy member and go back to the last two family blow ups and see if together you can identify the patterns. Doing this empowers you to attend the gathering with a clear understanding of what the patterns are, which help you prepare the next steps in your plan. I had a client who had a brother in law who had many toxic behaviors. Her plan was to attend the family Christmas Eve open house for a limited amount of time prior to therapy She always felt that when she was at a family event She needed to do her best to touch base and to say hello and to greet each family member once she identified the patterns, she decided she would go to the open house and try to avoid her brother in law. had committed to staying for 90 minutes, where she would then go to her in laws, who had a peaceful and calm Christmas Eve, and she was amazed that during that 90 minutes, not once did her brother in law ever come and talk to her. Yes, it is a lovely tradition to touch base with your relatives during the holiday, but it's also fine to sidestep toxicity. Coping skill number one is to understand the dynamics that led to toxicity and to create a holiday plan that minimizes your exposure to those dynamics. Understanding the dynamics sounds easy, but when there are toxic patterns, it can take a while to see that they are not normal and help to come up with alternatives. Mental wellness means that we have minds that are flexible, adaptive, and coherent. Toxic patterns are rooted in rigidity, and they're kept that way by lots and lots of explanation over the years that don't hold people accountable, or often play on your emotions to be more understanding about the stress that this particular member is under. Remember, you may have grown up in a family where these patterns were established. And as a child, you think they're normal and you don't have the perspective where you can look at the behaviors and do anything but blame yourself. because children, as I always say, are exquisitely self centered. Coping skill number one. Is understanding the patterns in your family. Once you understand the patterns in your family, it will be much easier to use Coping skill number two intentionally setting boundaries. In a toxic family, you're going to have to learn to set boundaries for certain comments or behaviors. This might mean staying in a hotel at another family member's house or even with a friend. It will certainly mean setting time limits and strategizing the best times to attend family celebrations. And you will also need to set boundaries with yourself and limit yourself to how you use substances before, during, and after the event. One of the interesting parts of understanding the dynamics is once you do that You realize, oh, there's just a few that tend to happen again and again, actually makes it easier for you to think through what are the best ways for you to set boundaries. When it comes to criticism or inappropriate comments, you don't need fancy comeback lines. A simple, hey, it's the holidays, I'm not going there, and then floating away from that person to another person is fantastic. As mentioned before, avoiding the person altogether is a good strategy. Or if they say something inappropriate shrug your shoulders and walk away. Remember, you may be the only one at your family gathering working on this issue, so don't expect your inner work to be contagious. It seldom is. In fact, your efforts are probably pretty confusing to your family who view their behavior with a lot of denial, minimization, and rationalization. It's also important to recognize that we live in a culture that sends mixed messages about toxic behavior. On one hand, TikTok, YouTube, and podcasts are full of recommendations encouraging you to not let people treat you in a toxic way. On the other hand, Some public figures openly revel in treating others with disdain, disrespect, and harm. This emboldens people to continue behaving toxically, making it even more important for you to enter holiday gatherings with a plan. For many of my clients, setting a time limit for family events can be especially challenging. Staying two hours is a common time that many people I've worked with have chosen. The problem is, often in toxic families, people don't like you to leave early. The reality is, toxic behaviors often stem from hurt people. Those same people who hurt, deep down, are very wounded and they crave connection. Leaving can feel triggering for them. So you may want to leave and not say goodbye. Quietly skip out, leave a text saying something like, wasn't feeling so well, didn't want to disrupt the party. Thanks for everything. Or you can plan your visit to your family prior to going to another party. It's common to feel conflicted or even guilty when setting these boundaries. But that highlights how self protection is often viewed as wrong in the toxic family system. Understand this. There is no way for you to take care of yourself. And have your family understand. Actually, they often don't want to understand. You're speaking the language of healthy relationship patterns, which is quite foreign to them. So set your boundaries for you, knowing they might be confused or respond in ways that reflect their relationship patterns. The last coping skill is having an exit plan. And this is a non negotiable. An exit plan includes a quick and safe way to leave as well as to process what has happened at the family event. I don't want you alone after such an experience, even if it goes well. I want you I want you to have a plan so you can process the experience. A number of years ago, a client and a friend of hers created what they called TLS, Toxic Lift Service. When one of them had to go to their families, the other one was on call and would come and pick them up at the agreed upon time or earlier if things got out of control. This woman knew she had a way to get out and of equal importance, she had someone there to help her process the event. If you drive yourself, have a plan for how you'll process the experience afterward. You could journal, have a phone date set up with a friend, or even use a hotline. Yes, hotlines are an incredible resource. I encourage you to Google hotlines. Give them a practice call, tell them why you want to use them, and then put them in your phone. I have had so many people do this over the years, and it is so incredibly helpful. This can really help you with what I call the boomerang effect. When you do the right thing, leaving the family gathering, but then are overwhelmed with the old patterns that lie deep within you that begin to question and gaslight yourself. Should I have done this? Was it the right time? Things were going smoothly. Maybe I should have lasted another hour. No, that's the point. The point is to go and have fun. Good experiences with your family to stay the amount of time that you feel that you can when things don't get out of control. With that said, you can have the perfect exit plan, but toxic relationship patterns are unpredictable. You may think you're going to stay two hours, but it's pretty clear to you after 30 minutes, it's time to get out. If you need to leave the gathering because it's escalating into an explosion, remind yourself that you don't need permission to go. Often alcohol is involved in these things, and in today's world, firearms. Whether you're a central figure in the conflict or not, it's essential for your wellbeing that you leave. It's helpful to have an exit line in your back pocket. Something that's neutral. I think I have to go right now. You don't have to get into labeling anyone's behavior as toxic or mean. You are speaking from your own truth. I have to go. I encourage you to have that simple line that you have practiced by yourself in your living room until it sits in your gut and in the moment you can bring it out. But, I'm also a big fan, when things start to get out of control, it is okay to quietly exit stage right. Give yourself permission to step out of the family drama. If the gathering gets unsafe and there's no easy way to leave. I strongly encourage you to go to the bathroom, lock yourself in, and call the police. Tell the police that you do not want to be identified as the caller. Stay in the bathroom until they arrive. This can be especially difficult if your family role has been protecting a parent or younger siblings. In those cases, call the police. It is really necessary for you to seek professional help. A short podcast cannot possibly help you navigate such terrible and challenging conditions. go into the holiday event committed to managing your own emotional regulation. Seeing your family through new eyes and recognizing dysfunction will require you to stay aware and use emotional wellness tools such as breath work to calm your anxiety. Take breaks to reset your nervous system, such as stepping outside. Go for a brisk walk and give your nervous system time to resettle. Check out episode 86 on emotional regulation. If you want more information about this,

Powerbeats Pro-1: 20:29

having family members with toxic relationship patterns is heartbreaking, but being someone who's committed to generational change and creating healthy relationship patterns while scary is so worthwhile. Yes, you can hold heartbreak and continue to grow and change at the same time. If you're doing this, I'm so proud of you. Keep it up. You can be the generational change.

Built-in Microphone: 20:56

In this episode, I defined toxic relational patterns and emphasized the importance of planning for holiday events when family members exhibit these kinds of painful behaviors. 3 coping skills for you to use this holiday season is to come to understand the patterns in your family, then to intentionally set boundaries, and lastly, to have an exit plan.

M.J. Murray Vachon LCSW: 21:22

Having family members with toxic relationship patterns doesn't mean you don't love them, or that you don't want a relationship with them. It means accepting the tension of loving them, while recognizing that the relationship you want and you deserve, you most likely cannot have. This does require you to do some inner work, so you can have connection, and Protection at the same time.

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Thanks for listening. I'll be back on

M.J. Murray Vachon LCSW: 21:50

Monday

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with more Creating Midlife Calm.