Ep. 99 How Transforming Shoulds Can Instantly Decrease Anxiety & Boost Midlife Calm

 Feeling burdened by expectations? In this episode of Creating Midlife Calm, MJ Murray Vachon LCSW, dives into how the "shoulds" in your life can impact your spirit, both positively and negatively. Using her simple S.O.S. process, you'll discover how to turn oppressive shoulds into empowering coulds, helping you feel more connected to your inner calm and less anxious.

 In this episode, you'll learn: 

1. What "shoulds" are and the role they play in your life.

2. The S.O.S. process for assessing your shoulds and transforming them into possibilities.

3. How to reconnect with your spirit to make decisions that lift you up rather than drag you down.

 If you're ready to stop letting shoulds control your life and start living with more calm and clarity, this episode is for you.

Check out Fan Favorite Ep.52 Ways to Renew Your Weary Spirit

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About the Host:
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with more than 48,000 hours of therapy sessions and 31 years of experience teaching her Mental Wellness curriculum, Inner Challenge. Four years ago she overcame her fear of technology to create a podcast that integrated her vast clinical experience and practical wisdom of cultivating mental wellness using the latest information from neuroscience. MJ was Social Worker of the Year in 2011 for Region 2/IN.

Creating Midlife Calm is a podcast designed to guide you through the challenges of midlife, tackling issues like anxiety, low self-esteem, feeling unworthy, procrastination, and isolation, while offering strategies for improving relationships, family support, emotional wellbeing, mental wellness, and parenting, with a focus on mindfulness, stress management, coping skills, and personal growth to stop rumination, overthinking, and increase confidence through self-care, emotional healing, and mental health support.

Transcript

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW: 0:00

A should should lift your spirit, not drag it down Welcome to Creating Midlife Calm, a podcast dedicated to empowering midlife minds to overcome anxiety, stop feeling like crap and become more present with your family, all while achieving greater success at work. I'm MJ Murray Vachon, a licensed clinical social worker with over 48, 000 hours of therapy sessions and 31 years of experience teaching mental wellness. Welcome to the podcast. In Episode 96, I talked about using daily boosts. I mentioned that the USA could stand for United Shoulds of America. That got me thinking about the role that shoulds play in your life, and I thought doing an episode on shoulding, especially as we head into the holidays, was just what you might need. By the end of this episode, you'll understand what a should is The Good and Bad Sides of Shoulds. And most importantly, I'm going to teach you a fun and easy process that will help you transform your shoulds. S. O. S. And you might be surprised what the S stands for. It is not what you think. As always, I'll end with an inner challenge, something you can start today to help ease your anxiety. We all know what shoulds are, but it's a podcast and I should define what a should is. Shoulds are beliefs that express expectations about how things ought to be or how we should behave. Often shoulds are rooted in values, norms, and traditions, telling us what is right, acceptable, or best. Some shoulds are positive. They're easy to recognize and they promote growth, Harmony and good things in both individuals, families, and communities. But other times shoulds can feel like a dormant virus lying inside of you, your family or groups and organizations you belong to waiting for the right conditions to create havoc on your wellbeing. In fact, last week, knowing I was going to do this podcast, I compiled a list of shoulds that my clients, friends, and families shared with me. You can see how some foster growth. And others foster guilt. I should be motivated. I should make more money. I should lose weight. I should be happy. I should go to church. I shouldn't go to church. I should visit my elderly parent. I should stop doomscrawling. I should be more helpful. I should be less helpful. And the list goes on and on. Shoulds are endless. They're universal. And based on what I've heard, they're everywhere. The science behind shoulds is fascinating because there's no clear cut winner. On one hand, shoulds can encourage self judgment, perfectionism, and shame, leading to increased anxiety, depression, and lower self esteem. On the other hand, shoulds can help clarify your goals, increase your motivation, and boost your success, ultimately raising your self esteem. Shoulds also create societal norms that guide and structure behavior, helping us, for instance, drive on the roads without crashing into each other. But we also know societal shoulds can exclude and stereotype causing harm. The issue isn't so much the should itself, but the spirit connected to it. This is the key because your spirit, the energy and attitude you carry through your day is crucial for creating calm. Calm is a spiritual state and I'm not talking about religion. I mean your internal spirit a should should lift your spirit, not drag it down. And to figure this out, you need to use the mental wellness tool of self awareness and assess your shoulds by reflecting on your spirit. Let me give you an example. A few weeks ago, one of my clients came to me saying she was so stressed out. As we explored what was stressing her, she mentioned working out. She's dedicated to it, but she hates it. Why? I asked. Because someone she loves who's an expert in this area made her feel like she should work out a certain way. So, I introduced her to the SOS process. SOS is my simple method for evaluating shoulds. You know the term SOS from when your phone loses connection. It's a cry for help. Shoulds should also stay connected to you in a positive way, aligning with who you are and your values. I want your network to be up and connected. So let's break down SOS. The first S stands for spirit. First assess how this should affect your spirit. In my client's case, she felt oppressed by her workout. Though it kept her fit, it brought her no joy and left her fatigued. The O stands for options. This part can stump people because our brains are lazy. They prefer being stuck on feeling oppressed rather than finding solutions. I invited her to come up with three options. Because the brain likes to think bilaterally. It's pretty easy to say, I can do this, or I can do that. Where we really find solutions is when we push ourself beyond number one and number two. Eventually she said, well, I could talk to my relative and see if he has any other ideas. I could consult with a trainer at the gym I go to, or I could look for alternative workouts online. She moved from should to could. Now that's progress. The final S stands for Selection. Trust your spirit to choose the option that feels right. In her case, she chose to consult with a trainer. The reason I recommend using your spirit as a guide is that many of the shoulds in your life were given to you without you fully owning them. Even the client that I was just talking about. This person gave her the workout program, but she really had to test it out herself to know this is not right for me. Your mind might tell you a should can't be challenged, but your spirit seldom lies. Here's another example where shoulds dominated. Years ago, I consulted with someone trying to decide if he should work in the family business. He had many reservations, but everyone assumed he'd take over the business. When we explored his feelings, he realized his spirit felt sad and resentful because his friends often made comments implying he didn't need to work hard because the business was just going to be given to him. As we looked at his options, he initially thought there were only two. work in the business or find another job to prove to his friends that he could make it on his own. But I encouraged him to find more options. Soon he thought of working in a related field for a few years to gain experience that he would bring back to the family business, making him a real asset. It was amazing to watch his spirit soar his selection was clear. In this episode, I defined what shoulds are, how they can be limiting as well as helpful. If a should feels negative or oppressive, treat your distress with SOS. Assess your spirit, look for options, and remember there are always more than two. If you're stuck on options, talk to a trusted friend, then select one of the options, paying close attention to how that option shifts your spirit from pain to gain. As you can see, this process encourages you to connect to your spirit. If this is easy for you, that's great, but for lots of people, this is really a new skill. Check out episode 52, no cost ways of renewing your weary spirit. Trust your spirit. I'll be back on Thursday to talk about ways to deal with people who you care about, who don't support you transforming a should. Now that can really dampen your spirit. In the meantime, take one should and try out the SOS process. This is your Inner Challenge.