Emergency Episode Ep. 81 School Anxiety: Three Coping Skills Parents and Kids Can Use Right Now!

• It's August and you may be one of those parents sending an anxious child off to school, college, trade school, or the world of full time work. Yep, it's animal house right under your own roof. If it feels a little crazy, I'm here to bring you a bit of calm. 

In this episode, you'll learn:
 The practical science of why your child's anxiety is contagious
 Three simple steps to help decrease anxiety contagion
 How to be helpful without becoming a dumping ground for your child's nerves   when it comes to this significant life transition. 

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About the Host:
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with more than 48,000 hours of therapy sessions and 31 years of experience teaching her Mental Wellness curriculum, Inner Challenge. Four years ago she overcame her fear of technology to create a podcast that integrated her vast clinical experience and practical wisdom of cultivating mental wellness using the latest information from neuroscience. MJ was Social Worker of the Year in 2011 for Region 2/IN.

Creating Midlife Calm is a podcast designed to guide you through the challenges of midlife, tackling issues like anxiety, low self-esteem, feeling unworthy, procrastination, and isolation, while offering strategies for improving relationships, family support, emotional wellbeing, mental wellness, and parenting, with a focus on mindfulness, stress management, coping skills, and personal growth to stop rumination, overthinking, and increase confidence through self-care, emotional healing, and mental health support.

Transcript

M.J. Murray Vachon LCSW: 0:00

What I've learned from working with thousands of people are a few simple hacks to manage the anxiety contagion between us and our child. Welcome to Inner Challenge. I'm MJ Murray Vachon, a licensed clinical social worker with more than 44, 000 hours of therapy sessions and 30 years of teaching mental wellness. Join me as I have an unscripted conversation with guests just like you as we strive to take the mystery out of mental wellness. Welcome to the podcast today. It's August and you may be one of those parents sending an anxious child off to school, college, trade school, or the world of full time work. Yep, it's animal house right under your own roof. If it feels a little crazy, I'm here to bring you a bit of calm. In this episode, you'll learn the practical science of why your child's anxiety is contagious, three simple steps to help decrease anxiety contagion, and how to be helpful without becoming a dumping ground for your child's nerves when it comes to this significant life transition. Let's begin with the science of emotional contagion, because understanding it can help us stop blaming ourselves or others, which never leads to calm. When our children are anxious, no matter their age, we often become anxious too. Why? First, because they're our kids. Our protective instincts kick in. Think about it, if you run into Your neighbor's child at the mailbox, and they shared with you that they were nervous about leaving home, you'd probably say something like, Oh, yeah, it's hard, but I think you'll do great. You'd turn around, you'd walk into your front door, and you wouldn't think anything about it. But with our own children, we often feel quite different. Hey we're wired to save our young. It's biology. Yes, from even those new life experiences that are full of uncertainty and anxiety. The next reason that our emotions are contagious is mirror neurons. Perhaps you've heard of them. Mirror neurons are special brain cells that mirror the emotions and actions of others. They're a bit like emotional Wi Fi, allowing us to sync up with what others are feeling. When a child is anxious, these neurons can cause a parent to feel anxious too, creating a feedback loop where both get more anxious. But don't lose hope. This isn't an excuse to let things escalate into tears and blow ups. What I've learned from working with thousands of people is that when we understand our biology, we can use a few simple hacks to manage the anxiety contagion between us and our child. So here are three hacks to manage emotional contagion. They're free and you can do them anywhere. Hack number one, if you are with your child and they're anxious, you Notice if your anxiety increases. As I said above, we're wired to catch our child's anxiety and a little self awareness in these moments goes a long way. When you realize you are getting anxious, take a few breaths and commit to calming your body down. Just this intention of a few simple breaths and a gentle reminder to yourself, such as, I am not going to lose it, or I can do this, will often lower the emotional contagion between parent and child. If you still feel on edge, try hack number two. Move your awareness from your child and your child's anxiety to your feet and take a simple inhale followed by a slightly longer exhale. Do this a few times until you feel your body move into a more relaxed state. The simple act of moving our mental awareness to our feet can help us feel grounded and more stable. This simple tool is really helpful. Self awareness can make all the difference. Hack number three, location, location, location. When you're in a situation with one of your children who is really emotionally intense, notice where you are. Are you face to face with them? If so, gently move to the side to avoid direct engagement of those mirror neurons. Are you on the phone? Use speaker mode, not those earbuds. Are you texting? Slow down and between each text, take a few breaths and really notice what's going on in your body so you are calming yourself as you listen to your child. these three hacks, are like putting on your oxygen mask first so you can really help your child more effectively. Because we all know when each of our anxiety is arising, nothing good comes from that. Now that we're in a little bit more control of our anxiety, we are much better equipped to help our anxious child. What's our main job at this point? Just to listen. Chances are, your child did not walk in and tell you what they needed from you in this particular situation. So your only job is to keep breathing, keep yourself emotionally regulated, and listen to your child. Listen to understand. Not to respond. Remember, emotional intensity, good or bad, usually peaks around 90 seconds. If we can stay present without engaging too much, the emotion often subsides on its own. Emotions follow a similar bell curve. After your child has shared or maybe more appropriately dumped their anxiety, their emotional experience of whatever the situation is, all you have to do is validate their feelings. Say something like, Ugh, that sounds so hard. Oh my god, that is awful. I am so sorry that happened. Offer a hug, a comforting touch, or even a Kleenex. This is called mirroring. Instead of reflecting their anxiety or escalating because we're not managing our own anxiety, we're reflecting support through words and actions. I like to think of it this way. When someone is emotionally intense, in this case, anxious, it's like they're speaking French. We often try to bring in logic to calm them down, but that ends up sounding like German. It just doesn't connect. To really help, we need to speak the same language. Emotional distress needs emotional support. Offer comfort and understanding, so be soft and speak French. Polly vous Francais, even bad French, is better than perfect German. Once things have calmed down, your child has moved through their emotion. You can ask the million dollar question, how can I help you? These five words are powerful and they show that you're fluent in both logic and emotion. They respect your child's autonomy. Give them a chance to figure out what they need and keep us from playing the guessing game, which we often get wrong. I hope this podcast has been helpful to you. While many of you have been on the beach and in the parks this summer, incubator learning so many great ways to update and make this podcast much more helpful for you. I can't wait to share what I have learned in the next few weeks. Thanks for listening and the next time your child is anxious, put on your mask first in order to prevent contagion by doing simple breath work, mirroring support and comfort, and only after the emotion is passed, ask the question, how can I help you? This is your Inner Challenge.